Old and New Jokes

You think Dueling Banjos is classical music.

You refer to the Surgeon Generals Warning on a pack of cigarettes as your medical encyclopedia.

You go to garage sales to shop for Christmas gifts.

What is a blondes definition of a naval destroyer.

A hula hoop with a nail in it.

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.



The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.



The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.



Well, the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

126. Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, No, I want to watch them suffer.

Mrs. Levy has just taken little David to school when she it hits her that she forgot to give him his apple.


She spots Mrs. Cohen walking by and askes her to give the apple to the best looking boy in the class.


So Mrs. Cohen gives the Apple to her own Son.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, Hey, we have a drink named after you! The grasshopper looks surprised and says, You have a drink named Steve?

Its a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

Whos been eating my porridge, he squeaks?

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair.

He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

Whos been eating my porridge!, he roars?

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells –

For Petes sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first.

It was Momma Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.

It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee.

It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away.

It was Momma Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.

It was Momma Bear who set the table.

It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cats water & food dish.

And, now that youve decided to come downstairs and grace Momma Bear with your presence, …listen good, cause Im only going to say this one time…

I havent made the @!#$%^&* Porridge, yet!!

A woman of 35 thinks of having children.

What does a man of 35 think of?

Dating children.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, Now how can I tell my wife that Ive got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? Ive managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but shes bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, Now how do I tell my husband that Ive got really bad breath? Ive been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as hes lived with me for a week, hes bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, Darling, Ive a confession to make. And she says, So have I, love. To which he replies, Dont tell me, youve eaten my socks!