Old and New Jokes

What do you call ten Italian women together in a steam bath?

Gorillas in the mist.

Dress her up as an alter boy!

William Bennett recalls when one of his radical students at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for as long as we feel good about each other.

It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says, I gave them paper plates.

141. Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?

A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

142. Q: Why did they stop doing the WAVE at BYU?

A: Too many blondes were drowning.

143. Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?

A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

144. Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?

A1:

10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

A2: Three…one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

145. Q: Why dont blondes double recipes?

A: The oven doesnt go to 700 degrees.

146. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

A: Proofreading.

147. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: For throwing out the Ws.

148. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?

A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.

149. Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?

A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

150. Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?

A: Theyre mad enough to kill and they can retain water.

151. Q: What did the blondes mum say to her before the blondes date.

A: If youre not in bed by 12, come home.

152. Q: Whats the Blondes cheer?

A: Im blonde, Im blonde, Im B.L.O.N….ah, oh well.. Im blonde, Im blonde, yea yea yea…

153. Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?

A: Because it says right on it good for up to 20 pounds.

154. Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men!

155. Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

156. Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?

A: She threw it off a cliff.

157. Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.

158. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?

A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

159. Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?

A: Nice tits!

160. Q: How does a blonde high-5?

A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students to point out some of the rules. The female dormitory will be off limits for all male students, and the male dormitory to female students. Anybody caught breaking these rules will be fined $40 the first time, $90 the second time. He continued, Anybody caught breaking this rule the third time will be fined a hefty $200. Are there any questions?

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, How much for a season pass?

Time Limit: 3 weeks

Foreign Language: What Language is spoken in France?

History: Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law, and social conditions

-OR-

Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

Literature: Would you ask William Shakespeare to

(a) build a bridge

(b) sail the ocean

(c) lead an army or

(d) WRITE A PLAY

Religion: What religion is the Pope?

(a) Jewish

(b) Catholic

(c) Hindu

(d) Polish

(e) Agnostic (circle only one)

Metric Conversion: How many feet equal 0.0 meters?

Physics: What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?

Religion: How many commandments were Moses given? (approximately)

Geography: What are people in Americas far north called?

(a) Westerners

(b) Southerners

(c) Northerners

American History: Spell Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

European History: Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

Natural Science: Where does rain come from?

(a) Macys

(b) a 7-11

(c) Canada

(d) the sky

Advanced Physics: Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?

(a) yes

(b) no

Philosophy: What are coat hangers used for?

Political Science: The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

Physics: Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium

-OR-

Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

Architecture: Where is the basement in a three story building located?

Agricultural Science: Which part of America produces the most oranges?

(a) New York

(b) Florida

(c) Canada

(d) Wisconsin

Advanced Math: If you have three apples how many apples do you have?

Communications: What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corporation) stand for?

The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?

(a) B.C.

(b) A.D.

(c) still waiting

You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify.

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords…1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.8. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wifes new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
in hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chin straps
had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash
tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
a marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that Id wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
a Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
my clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly
they shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
I gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry
if temptations removed Ill get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
in the morning Ill starve … til I take that first bite.

CHICAGO – The war on terrorism took a strange and sad turn Friday as airline officials at OHare International Airport refused to let a 73 year old
grandmother board her plane as she had in her possession two six-inch knitting needles. Apparently authorities were worried that she may knit an Afghan.

Jesus loves you……but Im his favourite.i souport publik edekasionIf its too loud youre too old.Id give my left arm to be ambidextrous.I took an IQ test and the results were negative.God must love stupid people, he made so many.Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway. If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.He who laughs last thinks slowest.Why is abbreviation such a long word?Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.Three kinds of people: those who can count and those who cant.