Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
24
May
24
May
It takes just a little living to make a house a heap.
24
May
there was a brunette and a blond they walked into a bar. the 5:00 O clock news was on . the news said that a man was going to commite suicide. the brunette said i bet $50 that the man is going to jump. the blonde says ok!. they find out that the man did jump so when the brunette was going to collect the money she said that she couldnt take it because she saw the 3:00 news and she saw that he was going to junp. the blonde said so did i but i didnt think he would do it again.
24
May
You might be a redneck if you cant get married to your sweetheart because theres a law against it!
24
May
A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a baseball game. During the game the guys notice the girl knew just as much about the game as themselves, and are really impressed. After the game they ask her, How is it that you know so much about baseball?
She says, Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.
The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process.
What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut IT off?
That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.
Was it when they cut off your balls?
That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.
What was the most painful part?
The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!
24
May
What did the fish say when he hit a wall? Dam!
24
May
Jan. 1 2002
Catch up on gardening. Sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 2022.
Jan. 8
Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholls shoe inserts into heat pump.
Jan. 10
Make steel wool from mussel beards saved over the years.
Jan. 13
Spin silk cord to garrote squid; fill fountain pen with the ink and hand write staff their dismissal notes.
Jan. 15
MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.
Jan. 21
Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.
Jan. 25
Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of all the people you do not know.
Jan. 26
Review the Christmas 96 show and try to understand why Julia Child is much beloved even though her croquembouche was very much askew.
Jan. 28
Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.
Jan. 31
Gild lilies.
24
May
You might be a redneck if…
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
24
May
Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do
==========================================
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police
raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer
said, Father Murphy, were you gambling?
Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, Lord, forgive me
for what I am about to do. To the police officer, he then said,
No, officer; I was not gambling.
The officer then asked the minister, Pastor Johnson, were you
gambling?
Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, No,
officer; I was not gambling.
Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, Rabbi Goldstein,
were you gambling?
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replied, With whom?
24
May
A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?