Old and New Jokes

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, Theres Jennifer; shes a lawyer, or thats Michael; hes a doctor.A small voice at the back of the room rang out, And theres the teacher; shes dead.

I made myself a snowball

As perfect as could be.

I thought Id keep it as a pet

And let it sleep with me.

I made it some pajamas

And a pillow for its head.

Then last night it ran away,

But first – it wet the bed.

(unknown)

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, Hello, Patricia Whack. Id like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation.
Patti looks at this frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000 and the teller asks him his name, and the frog says its Kermit Jagger, hes the adopted pet of Mick Jagger and that its ok, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything that he can use as collateral. The frog says, Sure. I have this, and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that shell have to consult with the manager and leaves the room. She finds the manager and says, There is a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know Mick Jagger and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral. She holds up the tiny pink elephant and asks, What the heck is this?
The bank manager looks her in the eye and says:Its a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan. His old mans a Rolling Stone.

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to town to do chores.

That fellow from Sematol will be along this afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. Ive hung a nail by the right stall so youll know which one I want him to impregnate.

Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the instructions, the farmer left for town.

That afternoon, the Inseminator arrives, and the wife dutifully takes him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. This is the cow right here, she tells him.

Whats the nail for? the guy asks.

Replies the wife, I guess its to hang up your pants.

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and shes wearing earphones connected to her walkman.

She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didnt cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.

A puss.

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream.

Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to a place where they can cross and proceed.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other, Ive always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate in a stream.

The other woman looks around and says, well, I dont see anyone around, nows your chance!

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and squats.

As she begins to urinate, she looks down. Holly shit! she exclaims, I just pissed on a man in a canoe!

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over, and peeks at the stream. Calm down, she says. That wasnt a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection.

Q. Whats six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?

A. Money

I got these from a friend of mine, who got them from a BBS in
New Orleans. I have changed Wesleys so that the chorus goes
teenaged boy instead of only a boy; I think it sings a
little easier this way.

From Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let it Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
but still we must boldly go–
make it so, make it so, make it so.

From William Riker (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la)
How can I impress Deanna
(fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When Im number two banana?
(fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

From Wesley Crusher (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy and Id just like to say
I miss the opportunity to weekly save the day–
To make things worse I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy, teenaged boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favorite toy.

From Data

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
jingle all the way!
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed,
lacking a subjective and intuitively perceived
referent for the term fun, I am able only
to report the phenomenon as experienced by others,
whose individual perceptions somewhat color the–
yes, sir.

New Republican GOP agenda – the Top Ten House Republican initiatives:

Eliminate the Department of Health and Human Services, all Occupational Safety and Health laws and regulations, and Luxury Taxes, and use the savings to eliminate the corporate income tax.
Restore the House on Un-American Activities Committee (Robert Dornan to be Chairman) and eliminate the Ethics Committee.
Provide tax credits for home schooling.
Repeal all gun control laws and provide tax incentives for private militia.
Eliminate all Federal election funding and regulations, and repeal the voting rights act.
Right to Work Act: Repeal anti-competition laws and outlaw labor monopoly groups.
Pass a anti-flag burning constitutional amendment to protect patriotic emblems such as Old Glory, the Stars-and-Bars, Star-Spangled Banner, Dixie, and maybe the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
Provide tax credit for mothers to stay at home with children and double tax credits for children over 21 who live with their mamma and daddy.
Eliminate the Department of Education, the National Endowment of the Arts, and the Environmental Protection Agency. Use the savings to increase the number of military bases key districts, and cut federal incomes taxes, too.
Eliminate current child labor laws. Provide tax incentives for temporary job industry for welfare children. Children who cannot be supported by working parents must be taught early the necessity of hard work for getting ahead in life.

This message has been provided to you courtesy of Sim Webster of Georgia, where biscuits and Republicans are white n flaky.