Old and New Jokes

(Source: Playboy Magazine)

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American in an overseas
flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

Last night I made love to my wife four times, the Frenchman bragged,
and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she
adored me.

Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times, the Italian responded,
and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never
love another man.

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, And how many
times did you make love to your wife last night?

Once, he replied.

Only once? the Italian arrogantly snorted. And what did she say to you
this morning?

Dont stop.

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, I think Ill get up and get a coke.

No problem, said the Soldier, Ill get it for you.

While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldiers shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, That looks good, I think Ill have one too.

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldiers other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

How long must this go on? the Soldier asked.

This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?

This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?

1. Quarters are gold. 2. Two meals per day is the standard. 3. Road trip whenever possible. 4. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before. 5. You will begin to nap again. 6. Your bookstore bill will almost equal tuition. 7. Squirt guns = Stress relief. 8. Instant messenger becomes an addiction. 9. E-mail becomes your second language 10. College students throw paper airplanes too. 11. You never realized that so many people were smarter than you. 12. College football is the coolest thing on the planet. 13. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you wouldnt know, but you can recite last weeks re-run of The 70s Show verbatim. 14. Cartoons are for all ages. 15. Disney movies are more than just classics. 16. You will never rent/buy more movies in your life. 17. No one is too old for video games. 18. Procrastination is an art form. 19. SNOOD is more addicting than pot. 20. Thanks to Kazaa/Audiogalaxy/Morpheus, you will never listen to any of your CDs ever again. 21. It never hurt so much to get sick. 22. The health service nurses are there because they couldnt make it at a real hospital. Never, dont ever forget that. 23. Care packages are right up there with birthdays. 24. Campus is only clean for Family Weekend and Freshman Orientation. 25. Nothing you want to register for will be open. 26. Classes… the later the better. 27. You are no longer thankful that the fire alarms are here to protect you. 28. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires. 29. The only time to dress up is when your jeans are dirty. 30. Showers become less important; sleep becomes more important. 31. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night. 32. Creativity in the dining halls is KEY… 33. The freshman 15 is NOT a myth!!! 34. If its snowing out, the only reason you will leave your room is for food. 35. Dishes smell af

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweethearts younger sister, he went to Nordstroms and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A man wanted a big, verocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

He looks like hed be a pretty good attack dog, said the buyer.

Well, hes not bad, replied the owner, but I have something better in mind for you.

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

Ah, said the buyer, This must be the dog you were referring to earlier.

Well, no. said the owner. I have something better in mind for you.

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

This is the dog I had in mind for you, said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.

Youre joking! he exclaimed.

This dog seems quite tame; he doesnt act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, hes just lying there, licking his butt!

I know, I know, said the owner. But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and hes trying to get the taste out of his mouth.

Americans and Russians were competing who would go to the moon and build more on it. The minister comes to the American president: Mister President, the Russians have already launched their spaceship!
President: Yes, yes, let them! A few days later: Mister President, the Russians have already landed on the moon!
President: Yes, yes, calm down! In a week: Mister President, its the Russians, the started painting the moon red!
President: Thats fine, just fine! In a month: Mister President, the Russians have painted half the moon red, wed better do something too!!
President: No, no, dont worry! In two months: Mister President, the Russians have finished painting the moon, the whole moon is red now!!
President: Thats great, now send our spaceship up there to write Coca-Cola on it!

TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOURE IN A BAD CHURCH

10. The church bus has gun racks.

9. The church staff consists of Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor and Socio-pastor.

8. The Bible they use is the Dr. Seuss Version.

7. Theres an ATM in the lobby.

6. Choir wears leather robes.

5. Worship services are B.Y.O.S. — Bring Your Own Snake.

4. No cover charge, but communion is a two-drink minimum.

3. Karaoke Worship Time.

2. Ushers ask, Smoking or Non-smoking?

1. The only song the organist knows is In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.

There were 3 guys in a plane. The plane was about to crash.

They each had to throw one item out:

The 1st guy threw out an apple.

The 2nd one threw out a bannana.

The 3rd one threw out a bomb.

There were 3 guys below them. 2 were crying, 1 was laughing.

A guy went up to the 1st one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, an Apple hit me on the head.

He went up to the 2nd one and asked, Why are you crying?

He answered, a Bannana hit me on the head.

He went up to the 3rd one and asked, Why are you laughing?

He answered, I farted and my house blew up!

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.

guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.

I liked it, but I couldnt understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents, she said.

What do you mean?

he asked.

Well, everyone kept yelling, Get the quarter back!