Old and New Jokes

Bush legal team sues Santa Claus

By S. Artist Reuters

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) – Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification.

There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. Its totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now, said former Secretary James Baker.

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the nice list, filing them under naughty instead because everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats.

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole.

Their security is really awful, really bad, said Bush. My mother just walked right in, told em she was Mrs. Claus. They didnt check her ID or nothing.

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bushs running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They demand closure now, Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony shes asked for.

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The Million Man Mush is scheduled to leave Friday. We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays, Jackson said.

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but an spokeself said he was deeply distressed by news of the pending legal action against him.

Hes losing weight, and he hasnt said Ho Ho for days, said the spokeself. Hes just not feeling jolly.

A weary nation can relate.

What have an apple and an orange got in common?

Neither of them can drive a tractor!

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesnt keep asking for beer.

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. Look at their reserve, their calm, muses the Brit. They must be British. Nonsense, the Frenchman disagrees. Theyre naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French. No clothes, no shelter, the Russian points out, they have only an apple to eat, and theyre being told this is paradise. They are Russian!

Old & New concerns for the baby boomers:

Then: Long hair.

Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg

Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock

Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because its cool.

Now: Moving to California because its hot.

Then: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your parents.

Now: Watching John Glenns historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.

Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.

Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our presidents struggle with Fidel.

Now: Our presidents struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.

Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.

Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.

Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.

Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.

Now: Getting a new hip joint.

From Matt Groenings Big Book Of Hell, here are: Lies My Older Brother And Sister Told Me…

The Sleeping Alligator Story Older Bro/Sis: See this? He isnt stuffed, ya know. Hes sleeping. You: Really? Bro/Sis: If you dont believe me, why dont you put your finger in his mouth?

The Boy-Trap Warning Bro/Sis: Inside my closet, theres a little door, and behind that little door, theres a boogey-man, and hes set traps in there, little boy traps. You: Really? Bro/Sis: And theyre baited with CUSTARD. You: Uh-oh.

The Alphabet Trick Bro/Sis: You can come up in the tree fort if you can recite the whole alphabet. You: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y and Z. Bro/Sis: Wrong. Scram.

The Yes-And-No Mind Puzzler Bro/Sis: Yes means no and no means yes. Do you want me to hit you? You: Yes! No! Yes! No! Help!

The Lure Of New Toys Bro/Sis: Theres some new toys for you down in the basement. You should go down there. You: But last time you shut the door and turned off the lights. Bro/Sis: This time we wont.

The Snowflake Story Bro/Sis: Well Ill be!! Identical snowflakes!! You: Lemme see!! Lemme see!! Bro/Sis: Too late. They melted.

The Movie Switcheroo You: Hey!! This isnt Bambi!! Bro/Sis: Thiss bettern Bambi.

The Elf Bro/Sis: Id like you to meet Tom. You: I dont see anybody. Bro/Sis: Toms invisible. You: Oh sure. Bro/Sis: Hes an elf. If youre nice to him, hell give you three wishes. You: Hi, Tom.

The Family Reunion, 20 Years Later Bro/Sis: I dont remember doing any of that stuff to you. Other Bro/Sis: Me neither.

Yo momma so fat when she sat on a quarter bugers came out of Washingtons nose

Youve got more than one brother named Darryl.

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

Va un tipo de muy creido y de mucho dinero, detiene su Mercedes Benz último modelo frente de un elegante restaurant de la ciudad. Se baja, entra y toma asiento en una de las mejores mesas del local.

Se acerca el salonero, le entrega el menú y el tipo le pregunta: Oye huevón ¿tienes ancas de rana?

El salonero le contesta, Por supuesto, señor.

Y el tipo le responde, ¡Entonces pégate un salto del putas y traeme una coca cola!

En una reunión de médicos de diferentes países, dice un brasileño:

En mi país, nació un niño sin piernas; se le hizo cirugía; aprendió a caminar y jugar futbol y hoy es el gran Pelé.

La multitud se levanta y aplaude.

Luego, el estadounidense anuncia:

En mi país, nació un niño sin brazos; se le operó, pudo mover sus brazos y hoy es el mejor bateador del mundo, su nombre: Mark Macguire.

La multitud se levanta y aplaude.

¡Ehhhhhhhhh!, reclama el dominicano, en mi país, nació un niño sin cabeza; se le operó y se le puso un coco como cabeza; se peló el coco, se pulió el coco y hoy es el presidente de la nación.