Old and New Jokes

Q: What are the 70 things women love most?

A: 69 and shopping!

A blondes redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people — you put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away! "That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isnt all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend."Okay," she says, "Im going to put my hand in front of my face…"

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestlers trainer comes to him and says, Now dont forget all the research weve done on this Russian. Hes never lost a match because of this pretzel hold he has. Whatever you do, dont let him get you in this hold! If he does, youre finished!

The wrestler nods in agreement.

Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circle each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunges forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd, and the trainer buries his face in his hands for he knows all is lost. He cant watch the ending.

Suddenly theres a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raises his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russians back hits the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapses on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer is astounded! When he finally gets the American wrestler alone, he asks, How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before! The wrestler answers, Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

Youd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!

(in case you didnt know, twister is a movie about a bunch of storm-chasers who do research on tornados.)

Totally Gone With The Wind
Lift and Separate
Boys on the Side – Of My Barn
Summer Film So Full of Special Effects We Couldnt Fit in the Plot
The Weather Channel: The Movie
Schindlers Twist
Field of Debris
Dead Man Flying
I, Cumulus
One House Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest
The Splintered Bridges of Madison County
Wizard of Oz II: The Search For Toto
Killer Genuine Draft
Four Weddings & A Funnel
Indiana Jones and the Trailer Park of Doom
A Funnel Thing Happened On The Way To The Farm

and the Number 1 Rejected Title for the Movie Twister:

Roofless in Seattle

Yesterday in American Public Policy 1946-present, professor Gillon was
talking about American liberals and their faith in the Kennedy clan.
He said that:

In 1964, Liberals thought If only Jack had lived . . .
In 1968, Liberals thought If only Ed had lived . . .
In 1969, they thought If only Ted could drive . . .

-Heard from Professor Steve Gillon

Q: Why arent Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.

Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

En una noche tenebrosa, un vampiro se hace acompañar por su hijo para enseñarle como chupar sangre. Después de atrapar a un incauto, le demuestra como hacerlo:

¿Entendiste como se hace?

Sí, responde el vampirillo.

En eso, ven a un borracho orinando y el padre le ordena:

Ahora, hijo, ve y chúpale la sangre.

Cuando el vampiro cree que su hijo lo va a lograr, se queda desconcertado:

Hijo, ¡¿qué haces?!

Es que me gusta chupar la sangre por el popote.

There were two kids one was named mind ur bisness and the other one was named trouble and they were playing in the woods and trouble got lost so mind ur bisness went to the police station and told the officer wat happened the officer said ok wat is ur name the kid said mind ur bisness wat is ur name son and the kid said mind ur bisness and the officer said r u looking for trouble and the kid said yea were is he.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role.



Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, Well, you just ask Mom. Shell tell you its much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel.