Old and New Jokes

Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!Wife: You wear shorts!

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply,

For HEAVENS SAKE Dad, dont dig up that garden, thats where I buried the Money!

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen policemen showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any money.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His sons reply was: Now plant your potatoes, Dad. Its the best I could do from here.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery
presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says Hey Senior, I would like the
worlds best beer, a Corona. The bartender dusts off a bottle from the
shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says Id like the best beer in the world, give
me The King Of Beers, a Budweiser. The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says Id like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain
spring water, give me a Coors. He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says Give me a Coke. The bartender
is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask Why arent you
drinking a Guinness? and the Guinness president replies Well, if you
guys arent drinking beer, neither will I.

This little drama was told me by one of the Polish students in Oxford.
Apparently it was a popular joke in Poland during the late 80s.

Jocelyn Paine

[ Scene : The White House ]

Presidential Aide – Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just
landed on the Moon! And theyve started to paint it
red! What shall we do?

Ronnie – Come back when theyve finished, son.

P.A. [later] – Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter
of the moon red!

Ronnie – Dont worry about it, son. Tell me when theyve finished.

P.A. [still later] – Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the
moon red! Arent you going to do anything?

Ronnie – Nope, not yet.

P.A. [still later and even more anxious]
– Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted
THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir?
Please, Sir?

Ronnie – [ as before ]

P.A. – Mr Reagan. Theyve painted the WHOLE moon red!

Ronnie – OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there,
with plenty of white paint, and paint Coca-Cola across
it.

Yo mama so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.

Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.

En una clase de Ciencias, la profesora explica la lección:

Hoy vamos a hablar de las hienas: Son animales que viven en el centro de África, se alimentan de carne en estado de putrefacción, realizan el acto sexual una vez al año y el rugido que emiten es parecido a la sonrisa humana.

Al día siguiente, la profesora le pregunta al pelota de la clase la lección:

Pedro, dime la lección.

Bueno, las hienas son animales que viven en el centro de África, se alimentan de carne en estado de putrefacción, realizan el acto sexual una vez al año y el rugido que emiten es parecido a la sonrisa humana.

Muy bien Pedro; tienes un 10.

Seguido le pregunta al pasti de la clase:

Miguel, dime la lección.

Las hienas…. son bichos que viven en medio de África, comen carne podrida, chingan una vez al año y cuando rugen parece que se ríen.

Bueno Miguel, podrías haberla dicho mejor pero tienes un 5.

Por último le pregunta a Jaimito:

Jaimito, dime la lección.

Las hienas…, las hienas… ¡¡¡son animales que para vivir donde viven, comer la mierda que comen y lo poco que chingan, no se de que coño se ríen!!!

Old Man On A Bench An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

Well, says the old fellow, I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we have then have fun together laughing and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make fun together laughing and relaxing again. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and enjoy ourselves.

The policeman looks at the old man and says, You shouldnt be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!

So the old man says, I know! Im crying because I dont remember where I live!

Q: What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
A:They both wiggle when you eat them!

History does not repeat itself, — historians merely repeat each other.