Old and New Jokes

Cesium Glows
(Tune, Loves a Rose – Neil Young)

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
Its fire grows when its on the tongue.
Lips full of holes, youll know youve kissed it,
Just take a bite if you want to die young.

I want to see whats never been seen,
I want to dream that Cesium dream.
Come on love, we can glow together,
Lets eat it all right now.
Take a bite right now.

I want to lie in a hole in the ground,
Six feet deep, and twelve feet round.
Sky blue light around me shinin,
Pale blue worms upon me dinin.

Cesium glows, but you better not lick it,
Its fire grows when its on your tongue.
Mouth full of holes if ever you kiss it,
Gimme a spoon cause I wanna die Young.

—Songs of Cesium #109

Estaban dos borrachos en la cantina, hasta las chanclas y sin dinero. Y uno le dice al otro:

Ya vámonos.

¿Y adónde vamos a ir?

Pues a mí se me antoja hacer el amor, ¿cómo ves?

Pues sí, pero no tenemos dinero para gastar.

No importa. ¡Nada más no nos cobramos!

The new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. Theyd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out.The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette.The American frowned. Russian roulettes not a very nice game.The diplomat smiled. Thats why we developed African roulette.If you want to have good relations with our country, youll have to play. III show you how.He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in.You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex, he told the American. Thats great, the ambassador said. That doesnt seem much like Russian roulette.Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal.

A guy goes into a bar and says to the bartender, Man, Im dying to have sex in the worst way. So the bartender says, Well, the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock.

A woman was not feeling well. So she visited her doctor.

The good doctor, after giving her a thorough examination, said grimly,

Mrs Goode, I am sorry to have to say this, but if you want to get well again you would have to lose a foot.

What!?! You mean my foot has to be amputated?

Oh, no, no… replied the good doctor, I mean you have to lose a foot from around your waistline!

(adapted from Born Losers comic strip)

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the towns most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldnt you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, Um… No.

Or, the lawyer continued, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, Or that my sisters husband died in a traffic accident? the lawyers voice rising in indignation, Leaving her pennyless with three children?

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, I had no idea…

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, So if I dont give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS? he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

ALRIGHT, IM GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AINT BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, IM GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DONT LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?

The cowboy turned back and said, I had to walk home.

What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls?

Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Una muchacha estaba a pocos días de casarse solo que el vestido le quedaba muy largo, así que le pidió a su mamá que se lo recortara, pero la mamá no podía debido a que se encontraba ocupada.

Entonces decidió preguntarle a su abuela para ver si le recortaba el vestido, pero la abuela también se encontraba ocupada leyendo. Decidió preguntarle a su hermana, pero la hermana estaba estudiando y tampoco podía.

En eso la muchacha se fue porque tenía que hacer una diligencia, entonces su mamá entró a su cuarto y le recortó el vestido, luego entró la abuela y le recortó el vestido y luego entró la hermana y le recortó el vestido.

Al fin llego el día de la boda y el novio y la novia se tenían que vestir. El novio le dice a ella: Tu te vistes aquí y yo me visto por allá, pero no vayas a mirar hacia allá.

En eso la novia alzó su vestido y mirando sorprendida dijo: ¡Tan chiquito y tan arrugadito!

Y el novio le gritó: ¡Te dije que no miraras hacia acá!