Old and New Jokes

It seems an old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until well into the night, she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with the old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind hooves, caught her smack in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement. But, when a man mourner apporoached him, he would listen for minute and then shake his head in disagreement. This pattern was so consistent, that the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So when everyone had left the gravesite, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so Id nod my head in agreement.

And what about the men? The minister asked.

Well, they all wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law? Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning! He then continues and says it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.

The uncle says with a confused look Um son we dont have a cow…We have a bull!

Q: Why is a mans pee yellow and his sperm white?

A: So he can tell if hes coming or going.

-Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a £26,000 phone bill.



-Theyve won the Readers Digest Sweepstake three years running.



-When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.



-They seem strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.



-They mumbled, Oh, puh-leeeez! 295 times during the movie The



Net.



-Their bank account receives a massive £400,000 contribution made



in half-penny increments.



-Their video dating profile lists public-key encryption among



turn-ons.



-Instead of the Welcome voice on AOL, you overhear, Good



Morning, Mr./Mrs. President.



-You hear them murmur, Lets see you use that VISA card now,

The most interesting results happen only once.

When youre swimming in the creek and an
eel bites your cheek, thats a moray!

The grave of Karl Marx is just another communist plot.

Always write in complete sentences. Always.

Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says I dont think Ill ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, 7 come 11 all night & I havent had a wink of sleep!

The second guy says I know what you mean…my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard, and I havent had a wink of sleep either!

The third guy says You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there… every morning, I wake up with a sore dingy and an butt full of quarters!