Old and New Jokes

Because he refused to leave until he couldnt eat any more and he never reached that point.

Lets say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when theyre driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, weve been seeing each other for exactly six months?



And then there is silence in the car.



To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe hes been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks Im trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesnt want, or isnt sure of.



And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.



And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, Im not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so Id have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward… I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?



And Roger is thinking: …so that means it was… lets see… February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealers, which means… lemme check the odometer… Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe Im reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet thats it. Thats why hes so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. Hes afraid of being rejected.



And Roger is thinking: And Im gonna have them look at the transmission again. I dont care what those morons say, its still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? Its 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.



And Elaine is thinking: Hes angry. And I dont blame him. Id be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I cant help the way I feel. Im just not sure.



And Roger is thinking: Theyll probably say its only a 90-day warranty……..scumbags.



And Elaine is thinking: Maybe Im just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when Im sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.



And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? Ill give them a warranty. Ill take their warranty and stick it right up their…



Roger, Elaine says aloud.



What? says Roger, startled.



Please dont torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have… Oh God, I feel so… (She breaks down, sobbing.)



What? says Roger.



Im such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know theres no knight. I really know that. Its silly. Theres no knight, and theres no horse.



Theres no horse? says Roger.



You think Im a fool, dont you? Elaine says.



No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.



Its just that… its that I… I need some time, Elaine says.



(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) Yes, he says.



(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way? she says.



What way? says Roger.



That way about time, says Elaine.



Oh, says Roger. Yes.



(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)



Thank you, Roger, she says.



Thank you, says Roger.



Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures its better if he doesnt think about it.



The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.



Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaines, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?



And thats the difference between men and women.

Nostalgia isnt what it used to be.

Lets organize an anarchy

A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened.

The man said, I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.

Where did you get the other shiner? the boss asked.

Well, the man said, I figured she didnt want it out, so I pushed it back in.

what did the dad volcono say to the mom volcano

Your mama is so fat, people use her butt cheeks as a ski slope.

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: Sure, why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there be was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.

While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
And when youre in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

In summary

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels, some climbing up, some fooling around and some simply just idling.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

A young boy had just got his drivers permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, Ill make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and well talk about the car.

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that hed best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, Son, Ive been real proud of you. Youve brought your grades up, and Ive observed that youve been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But Im real disappointed since you havent got your hair cut.

The young man paused a moment and then said, You know dad, Ive been thinking about that and Ive noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and theres even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair.

To which his father replied, Youre right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?

THE DOCTOR because he says Take your clothes off.

THE DENTIST because he says Open wide.

THE HAIR DRESSER because he says Do you want them teased or blown?

THE MILKMAN because he says Do you want it in the back or in the front?

THE INTERIOR DECORATOR because he says Once its in youll love it.

THE BANKER because he says If you take it out too soon, youll lose interest.