Old and New Jokes

User-FRIENDLY

C:> DUR

Command not found. Try retyping

User-HELPFUL

C:> DUR

I dont understand DUR. Do you mean DIR ?

User-UNFRIENDLY

C:> DUR

C:> DUR

C:> DUR

C:> DUR

User-HOSTILE

C:> DUR

Ha! A mistake! Im sure you meant to say FORMAT, so thats what Ill do.

User-INDIFFERENT

C:> DUR

DUR?

User-PATRONISING

C:> DUR

Now, thats not quite right is it? Lets try again; this time, use the
manual that the nice salesperson gave you when you bought me.

User-OBSEQUIOUS

C:> DUR

Im so very, very sorry but I dont understand that. Im sure it was my
fault, but if you would please try again Ill do my best.

User-SARCASTIC

C:> DUR

Well, Look whos made a mistake then. Very unusual, I dont think.

User-INSULTING

C:> DUR

S*d off

C:> DIR

S*d off

User-Smug

C:> DUR

No

C:> DOR

Nope

C:> HELP

No

C:> PLEASE

Not unless you give me a 1Gb hard disk to live on.

C:> B*ST*RD

Abuse will get you nowhere

User-Analytical

C:> DUR

What makes you say that?

C:> A TYPING MISTAKE

How long have you been making these mistakes?
C:> BANANAS

Do you like bananas?

C:> I LOVE THEM

Why do you bring up the subject of love?

…etc

User-McDonald

May I help you please?

C:> DUR

Im sorry but that command is not available at this time. Have a nice day.

C:> DIR

Will that be an MS-DOS directory?

C:> YES

To read here, or for printout to take away?
C:> HERE

Thank you. Have a nice day.

User-Megalomaniac

C:> DUR

Dont bother me with trivial requests. Im busy.

There was a loser who couldnt get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, Its simple. I just say, Im a lawyer.

So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said No, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?

He said, Why,… Yes I am!

So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself. When she asked what was so funny, he answered,

Well, Ive only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and Im already screwing someone!

These are the winners of the worst analogies ever written in a high school essay contest:

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldnt.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when youre on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.comaaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like Second Tall Man.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigans teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

RAINY-WWW

Q: How many Kennedy assassination conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15–One to screw it in, five to say he acted alone, one to say that someone hidden in the ceiling helped, one to film it, one to do an intense examination of the film and conclude that a) it was tampered with and b) it proves that the first screwer did not act alone, one to insist that the bulb was altered after it was unscrewed, three tramps to walk across the room an hour later, one to insist LBJ really screwed the bulb in, and one to accuse all the others of being disinformation specialists.

A couple gets married, and thirty years later theyre in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs.

Her husband starts to cry.

She says, Whats the matter?

He says, Thirty years ago I couldnt wait to eat it. Now it looks like it cant wait to eat me.

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. Im doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and Im starting to get the hang of this. After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadnt radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage. When he asked what happened, she said: I dont know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I cant remember anything after I turned off the big fan.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Your teeth are so yellow, drivers slow down when they see you.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.