Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?

They loved in vein!

What is Homer Simpsons favorite ice cream?

Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if theyll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, theres only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Pamela if theres some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, Look at these. Theyre the most perfect ones God ever created, and Im sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day.

Pamela is outraged. She screams, What was that all about? I show you two of Gods own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I dont?!!!

Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day.

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even
each other. The groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. Father, he said, I am deeply concerned about the success of my
marriage.

His father replied, Dont you love this girl?

Oh yes, very much, he said, but you see, I have very smelly feet and Im afraid that my fiancée will be put off by them.

No problem, said dad, all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible and always wear socks, even to bed. Well, to him this seemed a workable
solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom. Mom, she said, When I wake up in the morning, my breath is truly awful.

Honey, her mother consoled, everyone has bad breath in the morning.

No, you dont understand. My morning breath is so bad, Im afraid that my fiancée will not want to sleep in the same room with me.

Her mother said simply, Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed and head for the kitchen to make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, move on to the
bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until youve brushed your teeth.

I shouldnt say good morning or anything? the daughter asked.

Not a word, her mother affirmed.

Well, its certainly worth a try, she thought.

The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed
quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the
bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, What on earth are you doing?

Oh, my, he replies, youve swallowed my sock!

A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea. The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson. And, lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.

The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine. But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. When we came, she snapped indignantly, he had a hat!

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.



Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.



To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didnt hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didnt waste much time.



Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball – and directly between his ball and the green.



After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, You know, when I was your age Id hit the ball right over that tree.



With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.



The old man offered one more comment, Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.

***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***



17. I finished the Oreos.

16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!

14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!

13. Well, couldnt they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.

10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

7. Get your *own* ice cream.

6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.

5. Got milk ?

4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.

3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…



And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:



1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Mort!
Mort who?
Mort to the point, who are you!

Andreas Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he cant hear you, it isnt and he can.

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.