Old and New Jokes

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says Well maam, I cant cut your hair with those head-phones on. Youre going to have to take them off.

She shakes her head vigorously and replies No, if I take them off, I will die. He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones.

All he heard was Breathe in, breathe out, breath in.

One of Microsoft Networks finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.

At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.

The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.

The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off — whereupon he yelled toward the target area…

Its leaving here just fine; the trouble must be at your end!

Q: Why didnt the monster make the football team?

A: Because he threw like a ghoul!

I thought I would tell you about the closest Ive ever come to
strangling my husband.

We had only been engaged for a few weeks. We were walking into a
convenience store when out came this blonde bombshell – bikini top, tiny
shorts, absolutely gorgeous. As she jiggled past us, he took my hand. My
heart swelled with pride and love – even when he sees someone like that,
he still thinks of me.

Then he leaned over and whispered, Youd let me sleep with her, wouldnt
you?

Big mistake.

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the

evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at

it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window,

takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side,

jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the

performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When

finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a

deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps

back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During

the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a

deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed…and finds four

Chinese men.

Theyve got that comfortable place on their shoulder thats perfect for snuggling into while we fall asleep.

Theyre at peace with their bodies, except for maybe some minor anxiety over height, weight, and baldness.

Theyre enthusiastic about our bodies, even when were not.

Theyre beyond enthusiastic about sex.

They fall in love so hard, once they finally fall.

Chest hair, forearm hair and the feel of a newly shaved cheek.

Bravery around snakes, waterbugs, bats and flat tires.

Their unapologetic lust for a nice hunk of beef or chocolate cake.

Their ability to solve problems simply by throwing a ball around.

The glimpse you get, when they wear their baseball cap backwards of their inner Little Leaguer.

How tender they get when they cry and how seldom they do it.

What they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

They make excellent companions when driving through rough neighborhoods or walking past dark alleys.

They really love their moms. They remind us of our dads.

They dont mind accompanying a woman to a party even though she looks like a movie star and they look like the chauffeur.

Their near-endless appetite for discussing the ins and outs of work and money – ours as well as theirs.

Their genuine ardor for tinkering with toilets, changing oil and assembling gas grills – jobs any intelligent woman can do but would be nuts to volunteer for.

They never care what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, nor the neighbors say.

They rarely lie about their age, their weight or their clothing size.

How awestruck they are in the face of a Wonderbra or a homemade cookie.

How sexy their butts look in jeans.

How sexy their hands look holding ours.

Their face is a treasure to behold when they give us a present they picked out

Their ignorance is usually amusing

They have a great sense of competition

They can make great sex partners

They give great hugs, ( and always melt our hearts when a sweet I love you Princess is added)

Though they often try to hide it, theyre very tenderhearted and caring

They have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we dont want them to

They dont care whether colours match but are willing to be concerned if we want them to be

They can be taught

They give us a peek at the little boy inside when they get sick or happy or hurt.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson Computer?

It has two bytes and no memory.

Yo mama arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.

Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: That depends on whether it has health insurance.