Old and New Jokes

Once there was this guy, lets call him Fred, who had a very small penis. Poor Fred thought if only he had larger equipment then maybe the chicks would like him more.

One day Fred went into the mens room and a very short man dressed in green was standing there peeing. Well, Fred couldnt help but notice what an enourmous penis the man had and he said as much. How did it get so big? he asked incredulously.

With magic, the man replied, I am a leprechaun.

Fred was amazed. Can you make mine that big?

The leprechaun could and said he would if Fred would only do him a small favor…to bend over and let him have his way with Fred. Fred agreed and did so. When they were finished he pulled his pants back up and stood.

How old are you boy? the man in green asked as he stood at the door.

Thirty. Why?

Youre thirty years old and you still believe in leprechauns?

Nelson Mandela is at home watching the box, when there is a knock at his door. He gets up and answers it, there is a Chinese bloke with clipboard, behind him is a lorry full of exhaust pipes.

You sign, you sign yells the Chinese geezer. Nelson looks at the truck and tells the Chinese bloke that he has a got the wrong bloke.

Next day Nelson is watching a porno film when there is a knock on his door. Its the same Chinese bloke and behind him is truck full of brake parts.

You Sign, You Sign screams the Chinese bloke and pushes the clipboard under Nelsons nose.

Look you Twat snarls Nelson Youve got the wrong bloke. I dont want brake parts, youve got the wrong bloke now FUCK OFF.

Next day Nelson is sitting in the chair reading Penthouse, when there is a knock on the door. Its the Chinese bloke again, behind him are two trucks filled with engine parts. The Chinese bloke screams at Nelson You sign, you sign.

Well thats it Nelson loses his wig and picks the Chinese bloke up by his shirt and yells Youve got the wrong bloke, if you disturb me again Ill fucking chin yer. I dont want these car parts. YOUVE GOT THE WRONG BLOKE!!!!.

The Chinese bloke looks at his clipboard and says You not Nissan Maindealer?

No pre-marital sex.
No oral sex ever.
No booze.
No topless bars.
No Playboy channel.
No organized sports of any kind, to speak of.
Hooters. What is this Hooters of which you speak!
Sand everywhere.
Ever fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating with your right hand only cause you wipe your butt with your left.
Constant wailing from the asshole next door, no wait, is that music? cant tell !!
Bar-B-Q cooked over camel dung.
Prayer four times a day.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils.
Oh, and by the way, when you die it all gets better!

Érase una vez en la selva, que los animales tenían un serio problema de personalidad: ninguno de ellos sabía quienes eran, a excepción de la jirafa que era sicóloga.

El primero en consultarla fue el pollito: señora jirafa, tengo un gran problema: no sé quien soy.

La jirafa le contesta: mira, tú tienes plumas que son amarillas, haces pío pío: eres un pollito.

¡Claro!, es cierto, ¡soy un pollito! Gracias.

Se va el pollito y en el camino se encuentra con el león, que estaba muy triste.

¿Qué le pasa señor?, le pregunta el pollito.

Es que no sé quién soy, responde el león.

Ah, eso no es problema, contesta el pollito, usted tiene melena y ruge: usted es un león.

¡Sí, sí, soy un león! Muchas gracias.

Un momento después pasa un zorrillo, muy preocupado también. Por lo que el león le pregunta que era lo que le sucedía.

Es que no sé quién soy, le dice el zorrillo.

Pero si es muy fácil saberlo, declara el león, tienes pelo, el pelo es negro, tienes una raya en el medio y hueles a diablos: ¡eres un coño!

Two young blonde women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on the house.



When he gets close he hears one say to the other Heres to 17 days!



Smiling, the bartender says, Congratulations! Whats so special about 17 days?



Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, Well, weve been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!

Atlanta Coca-Cola is fixing an embarrassing typo in the word disk
in copyright information on about 2 million 12-packs of the drink.

In the misprint, the s is replaced by a c. Normally, the small type
under the copyright information states that the red disk icon and contour
bottle are trademarks of the Coca-Cola Co.

In August, 12 men were arrested near Szczecin in northern Poland as they
were digging up a road because they had heard a rumor that it was built
with a large stockpile of police-confiscated hashish. The hashish had been
sold to a chemical plant to be incinerated into ash for road
construction.

A nose by any other name would smell as sweet.

The couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night.

Her husband was laying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before.

She stood seductively before him and asked, Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago when I came out of the bathroom like this?

He replied, I took one look at you and thought Id like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry.

And what are you thinking now, baby? she asked huskily.

He said, Im thinking I did a pretty good job of it!

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs — without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.

Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. I know, he said, how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.

The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, Honey… Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!

Noooooo!, shrieked the head, Not another hat!