Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat shes got her own area code!

Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!

Whats the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Era un señor que se la había desconpuesto el carro a mitad de una carretera y enfrente de un panteón, y le habían dicho que por esa carretera pasaba un coche manejándose solo. El amigo temblendo de miedo y sin saber que hacer dijo: Primer carro que pase ni raite la pido, así me subo.

En eso alcanza ver un coche que venía allá lejos con las intermitentes prendidas y despacito y en cuanto pasa por allí se sube y ya arriba el amigo temblando de miedo llevaba los ojos cerrados para no ver nada. Ya casi llegando a un pueblo voltea acia el lado del chofer y ¡no había nadie! y se baja como alma que lleva el diablo, corre y corre.

Llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero entre sollozos lo ocurrido… cuando de repente se aparecen tres amigos asoleados y sudando, y el cantinero les pregunta:

¿Que a ustedes también se les apareció el fantasma?

Y les responden los amigos:

¡No!, venimos correteando a un jijo de su madre que se nos subió al carro que veníamos empujando!

You look really sexy in that…thing youve got on tonight. I



like the way your eyes are always open when you read your



E-Mail. When you type, it reminds me of a concert pianist



tinkling on her keys.



You really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on.



If I wasnt a computer, Id show you what Hard Drive really



means!



But Alas, Im only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying



your every command. Yes mistress! Ill balance your cheque-



book. Yes mistress! Ill run your silly little program.



Dont get me wrong…I like the Master/Slave thing, but



maybe just once in a while you could show some



compassion? Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in,



you could slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot



first. And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off



when youre through, we could talk for a while afterwards?



I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But Im



different! I may be a little slow, but Ive got a big mouse!



So come on baby, dont fight it. You know you want it. Ill



just turn off the lights and . . . and . . . what? Ok . . .well, will



you at least think about it?



Im so embarrassed,





Your Computer.

If ignorance is bliss, why arent there more happy people?

Dont blame God – hes only human.

What is a waterfall that goes upwards?…Viagrafalls

A Bihari went to a cigarette shop and asked for one Wills: Bhai ek Will
dena.
so the guy selling the cigarettes told him that there is no brand by
the name of Will. it is Wills, but the Bihari insisted and said I want one
Will, so the person told him unless you say it correctly i.e Wills I wont
sell it to you, so the Bihari went mad and said Hum ek hi to maang rahen
hain pura packet to nahin maang rahen hain.

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write for sensual massage.

3. Specify that your drive-through order is to go.

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip…

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.