Old and New Jokes

An englishman walked into a bar and asked for a pint of guiness.

An irishman walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of strongbow.

A scotsman walked into a bar. BANG! it was an iron bar..

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they dont know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.The doctor says to the woman, I know what well do. After Ive operated on the priest, Ill give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.Do you think it will work? she asks the doctor.Its worth a try, he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, Father, youre not going to believe this.What? says the priest. What happened?You gave birth to a child.But thats impossible!I just did the operation, insists the doctor. Its a miracle! Heres your baby.About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, Son, I have something to tell you. Im not your father.The son says, What do you mean, youre not my father?The priest replies, Im your mother. The archbishop is your father.

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, What kind of man are you attracted to?

Ive always been drawn to Native American men, she replied. Theyre in harmony with nature.

I see, said the man, nodding.

But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.

Please allow me to introduce myself, said the man.

My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.

Are you ready to leave? – Definition of the word yes
Appropriate rhetorical questions (Formerly, Honey, do I look fat?)
Elementary Map Reading
Crying and law enforcement
Advanced Math Seminar – Program your VCR
You can go shopping for less than 4 hours
Gaining five pounds vs. the end of the world: a study in contrast
The Seven-Outfit Week
PMS – Its YOUR Problem, Not Mine (was: Its Happened Monthly Since Puberty – Deal With It)
Driving I: Getting past automatic transmission
Driving II: The meaning of blinking red lights
Driving III: Approximating a constant speed
Driving IV: Makeup and Driving – Its As Simple As Oil and Water
The Super Bowl: Not a Game – A Sacrament
Telephone Translations (was: Me Too equals I Love You)
How to Earn Your Own Money
Gift-giving Fundamentals (was: Fabric Bad, Electronics Good)
Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
Beyond Clean and Dirty: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
We forget birthdays, you forget sports stats: LETS LET IT DROP
MYOB: Proper response to other couples public arguments
Yes, You Can Buy Condoms (was: WE learned to deal with the embarrassment)
Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
What Goes Around Comes Around – Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours
His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
Commitment Schmittment (was: Wedlock Schmedlock)
To Honor and Obey: Remembering the small print above I Do
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man-child healing his Father Wound by Expressing the Latent Wild Man Within?

Please sign up early. Seats are very limited!

TEACHER :I hope I didnt see you looking at Dons paper.

GARY: I hope you didnt either.

1. Sus deseos de amar aumentarán a medida que los de su cónyuge disminuyan. Pero para cuando el deseo de su cónyuge haya aumentado considerablemente, usted ya se habrá masturbado.

2. Si su conyuge goza demasiado es porque está fingiendo.

3. Si hace mucho tiempo que sus amigos y/o parientes no lo visitan, póngase a hacer el amor. Medio minuto antes del climax aparecerán todos ellos.

4. La cama de su dormitorio hará más ruido el día que la casa esté en absoluto silencio y llena de gente atenta a sus movimientos.

5. ¿Cómo hacer el amor con su esposa, que siempre pone excusas? Llegue agotado del trabajo y ese día ella tendra muchísimas ganas.

6. En el momento de mayor desenfreno alguien tocará el timbre con insistencia, o sonará el despertador, o llamarán por teléfono, o por el portero eléctrico, o todo junto.

7. Siempre habrá otro que ya le hizo antes a su pareja lo que usted pretende sea una novedad. Y, con seguridad, se lo habrá hecho mejor.

8. Su mujer siempre le reprocha a usted el quedarse dormido después del amor, ignorando que ese hecho es parte de la naturaleza del hombre. Pero cuando usted se esfuerce y permanezca despierto, acariciándola, mimándola e inclusive preparándose para el segundo, ese día ella se dormirá.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

Four leaders of beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud. Millers president orders a Millers.The president of Coors orders a Coors.When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didnt you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys arent having a beer neither will I.

One morning the Pope awoke in his bedchamber in the Vatican. To his surprise, he noticed that he had woken up with a massive erection.; Perplexed, he called on his personal physician.

Doctor, this should not be possible, he said, Im the Pope, and Im celibate! I havent had one of these for 50 years!

The doctors reply was, Well, father, this is a natural phenomenon for all men, and it will happen even to you from time to time. The Pope exclaimed But you must do something about this! I have mass in an hour, and this thing isnt going away!

The doctor replied You have two options… either I can administer an injection to your penis to make the problem go away, which will hurt and make you feel ill, or you can just quietly go into the toilet over there and relieve yourself.

Fearing the injection, the Pope elects the second option. Unbeknownst to him, a paparazzi photographer has sneaked into the Vatican, and just as the Pope reaches that point of no return, up pops the photographer and begins snapping away.

The Pope immediately summons his security guards, who arrest the photographer, and begin to beat him up. The paparazzo shouts out, Hey, I thought you were a Christian organization! What has happened to your forgiveness?

Upon reflection, the pope agrees with the photographer, and relents, saying Yes, my son, you are right, we shall release you. Unfortunately, we cannot return your camera, as we cannot allow the scandal of what is contained on the film to be seen in the outside world.

Never slow to take an opportunity, the photographer replies, But this is how I make my living! If you take my camera, Ill lose the money I could have sold the photographs for!

The Pope, feeling guilty, agrees. Very well, we will compensate you. How about $100,000?

Ecstatic, the man agrees, and is soon on his way. The Pope, meanwhile attends confession, and the whole story comes out. For his penance, he is therefore ordered to walk three times around St. Peters, with the offending camera around his neck.

Out on his walk, he meets a Japanese tourist:

Very nice Japanese camera you got there, Mr. Pope, says the man, how much you pay for it?

Being the Pope, I cannot tell a lie, he replies, I must confess that I paid $100,000 for it.

Ah, says the Japanese gentleman, look like someone saw you coming!