Old and New Jokes

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and Ill be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: Theres a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly wont be there this time.

Patron: No, its still there.

Waiter: Maybe its the way youre using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe its a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. Im running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasnt ready yet.

Patron: Well, Im so hungry now, Ill eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! Theres a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . ……….. . . . . . . . . . $5.00

Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50

Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ……….$1.00

What do you see when the Pilsbury Doughboy bends over?







Doughnuts!

So you think you could end all unemployment, do you? asked the interviewer. And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?

Why, Id put all the men on one island and all the women on another. replied Paddy.

And what would they be doing then? Building boats!

The programmer to his son: Here, I brought you a new basketball.

Thank you, Pa, but where is the users guide and manuals?

This was part of a set of stories over in another group. This one
was rather funny… (it came from Tension City)

A friend told me the following about a conversation with her four-year old:

A TV show for children, involving dinosaurs, had a bit where the dinos were
wondering whether or not an egg would hatch, and did the dinosaur parents
want a baby or not?

Tyke: Sometimes you get babies when you dont want them.

Mom: Yes, thats true. But we really wanted you.

Tyke: [Silence for a moment.] Did Daddy have to cut you open to put his
seed in you?

(The topic having already been discussed in the past.)

Mom: [Dreading the sudden direction the conversation had taken.] No…

Tyke: Then how did he get the seed in?

Mom: Uh, he just did.

Tyke: But *how*?

Mom: Do you really want to know?

Tyke: YES!!!

Mom: [Resigned to it, now] Well, Daddy put his penis in my vagina.

Tyke: [Very wide eyes] He DID???

Mom: Yes…

Tyke: But how did he get his big huge penis into your vagina?!

Mom: [to Dad] Um, would you help me out a little bit here, dear?

Dad: [pauses, looks intently at Tyke] Honey–these are *excellent*
questions youre asking!

Tyke: How did he get it in?

Mom: Well, it just fit.

Tyke: [Digests this for a moment] So, did it feel good?

Mom: [Too amused for embarrassment by now] Yes, dear, actually it did.

Tyke: Oh.

End of discussion. Tykes interrogative style was likened to that of an
especially tenacious attorney conducting cross-examination.

The next morning Tyke was overheard intently propounding her new knowledge to
her two-year old sister.

Kids have this way of getting right to the heart of the matter, huh?

By Ogden Nash

In Baltimore there lived a boy,

He wasnt anybodys joy.

Although his name was Jabez Dawes,

His character was full of flaws.

In school he never led his classes,

He hid old ladies reading glasses,

His mouth was open when he chewed,

And elbows to the table glued.

He stole the milk of hungry kittens,

And walked through doors marked No Admittance.

He said he acted thus because

There wasnt any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez

Was crying Boo! at little babies.

He brushed his teeth, they said in town,

Sideways instead of up and down.

Yet people pardoned every sin,

And viewed his antics with a grin,

Till they were told by Jabez Dawes,

There isnt any Santa Claus!

Deploring how he did behave,

His parents swiftly sought their grave.

They hurried through the portals pearly,

And Jabez left the funeral early.

Like whooping cough, from child to child,

He sped to spread the rumor wild:

Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes

There isnt any Santa Claus!

Slunk like a weasel or a marten

Through nursery and kindergarten,

Whispering low to every tot,

There isnt any, no theres not!

The children wept all Christmas Eve

And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.

No infant dared to hang up his stocking

For fear of Jabez ribald mocking.

He sprawled on his untidy bed,

Fresh malice dancing in his head,

When presently with scalp a-tingling,

Jabez heard a distant jingling;

He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof

Crisply alighting on the roof.

What good to rise and bar the door?

A shower of soot was on the floor.

What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?

The fireplace full of Santa Claus!

Then Jabez fell upon his knees

With cries of Dont, and Pretty please.

He howled, I dont know where you read it,

But anyhow, I never said it!

Jabez, replied the angry saint,

It isnt I, its you that aint.

Although there is a Santa Claus,

There isnt any Jabez Dawes!

Said Jabez with impudent vim,

Oh, yes there is; and I am him!

Your magic dont scare me, it doesnt

And suddenly he found he wasnt!

From grimy feet to grimy locks,

Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box,

An ugly toy with springs unsprung,

Forever sticking out his tongue.

The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;

They searched for him, but not with zeal.

No trace was found of Jabez Dawes,

Which led to thunderous applause,

And people drank a loving cup

And went and hung their stockings up.

All you who sneer at Santa Claus,

Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes,

The saucy boy who mocked the saint.

Donder and Blitzen licked off his paint.

A while ago, one of the songs sung by the choir in my church was named And the
Father Will Dance. When it was announced, And now the choir will sing And the
Father Will Dance, we were all extremely disappointed that he didnt get up to
dance, as was announced.

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to

appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

WHAT FOR?!?!? he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: Twenty dollars contempt of court! Thats why!

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:

Thats all right. You dont have to pay now.

The guy replied…

I know – Im just seeing if I have enough for 2 more words!

EU Directive 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase Spending a Penny is not to be used after 31st December 2001.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: Euronating .

Thank you for your attention.

San Pedro llama a un ángel y le dice:

Esta mañana tengo que ir a hacer un par de trámites a una nube, así que te dejo cuidando las puertas del Cielo.

El ángel, aterrado, le dice que no tiene idea de a quién tiene que dejar pasar o no, pero San Pedro lo tranquiliza:

Mira, por hoy vamos a simplificar. Aquí tienes una Biblia y un fajo de billetes de cien dólares. Dale a elegir a los que lleguen: si cogen la Biblia les dejas pasar, y si cogen un billete los mandas al Infierno. Y aquí tienes mi número de móvil por si hay algún problema.

San Pedro se va, y pasa la mañana en sus cosas, hasta que suena el teléfono. Es el ángel:

Mire, San Pedro, hasta ahora todo iba bien, pero acaba de llegar un tío que cuando le di a elegir me dijo: ¿Puedo ver un poco? Se puso a hojear la Biblia, y cada tanto decía ¡Hum, qué interesante!, y cogía un billete de cien y marcaba la página; y así hasta quedarse con la Biblia y todos los billetes. ¿Qué tengo que hacer?

Déjalo pasar, hijo, que ése es del Opus…