After confirming everyones names on the roll, thank the class for
attending Advanced Astrodynamics 690 and mention that yesterday was the
last day to drop.
Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a
question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, The Professor cant hear
you, youll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy.
If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them
your piece of chalk, and ask, Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr.
Smartypants?
Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses
with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering
tsk, tsk.
Ask students to call you Tinkerbell or Surfin Bird.
Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether
your butt looks fat.
Play Kumbaya on the banjo.
Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class.
Giggle throughout it.
Announce youll need this, and write the suicide prevention hotline
number on the board.
Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Browns Sex Machine.
Ask occasional questions, but mutter as if you gibbering simps would
know and move on before anyone can answer.
Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by
the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as
you pace back and forth.
Address students as worm.
Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a
single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing
spirituals.
Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver
as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each students name,
rank, and serial number.
Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce
that the lectures over when the bottles done.
Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a
question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for
several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and
proceed normally.
Wear a virtual reality helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a
question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
Mention in passing that youre wearing rubber underwear.
Growl constantly and address students as matey.
Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and
ask students to sit back and groove.
Announce that last years students have almost finished their class
projects.
Inform your English class that they need to know FORTRAN and code all
their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class hes named Boogers McGee
and is your mascot. Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the
dog and ask it, Whatll be, McGee?
Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you Snuggles.
Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11
number system. Use a complicated symbol youve named after yourself in
place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who dont use it.
Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular
intervals.
Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching
assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
Give an opening monologue. Take two minute commercial breaks every ten
minutes.
Tell students that youll fail them if they cheat on exams or fake the funk.
Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver
them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required
reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia,
for next class.
Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize
their choices and make notes in your grade book.
Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep
their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I
picked up in the field.
Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped?
ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!