Old and New Jokes

Un tipo está en su cama con su esposa cuando alguien toca a la puerta. El hombre ve su reloj y son las tres de la madrugada. En eso vuelven a tocar, esta vez más fuerte, así que el tipo se levanta y baja las escaleras, abre la puerta y ve a un hombre evidentemente borracho.

Hola, balbucea el desconocido. ¿Me puede dar un empujoncito…?

No, vete al carajo. Son más de las tres, dice el hombre, regresa a la cama y le cuenta a su esposa lo sucedido.

Ella le dice: Oye, lo que hiciste no está bien. Recuerdas aquella noche cuando nos quedamos a medio camino y tú tocaste a una casa para que nos ayudaran? ¿Qué hubiera pasado si hubieran hecho lo que tú hiciste hoy?

¡Pero el tipo estaba perdido de borracho!

No importa, el hecho es que necesitaba tu ayuda.

Así que el marido se levanta otra vez de la cama, se viste, baja las escaleras y abre la puerta. Como no ve al desconocido por ningún lado, grita: Oiga, ¿todavía necesita un empujoncito?

Y escucha a alguien gritar: ¡Sí, por favor!

Todavía sin localizar al borracho, el tipo grita: ¿Dónde estás?

Y el borracho responde: Estoy por acá, en tu columpio.

Era el último día de trabajo de Juan el Cartero después de 35 años de llevar la correspondencia al mismo barrio.

Cuando llego a la primer casa de su ruta fue recibido por la familia entera quienes lo rodearon y con aplausos lo felicitaron y le dieron un regalo. En la segunda casa le regalaron una caja de cigarros finos.

En la tercer casa fue recibido en la puerta por una hermosa mujer que vestía un revelador negligé. Ella lo tomó de la mano y lo llevó hacia adentro, hasta la recámara donde le hizo el amor desenfrenadamente. Cuando él tuvo suficiente, bajaron las escaleras y fueron a la cocina, donde ella le preparó un gran almuerzo: Huevos con tocino, pan tostado, hot cakes, leche y jugo de naranja. Luego le puso una taza de café caliente. Cuando tomó la taza de café, se dio cuenta de que abajo había un billete de un dólar.

No tengo palabras para describir lo maravilloso que ha sido esto, dijo el cartero, pero ¿para qué es el dólar?

Bueno, dijo ella, anoche le platique a mi esposo que hoy seria tu último día y que deberíamos hacer algo especial por ti. Le pregunte que podría darte, y él dijo: ¡A joder con él y dale un pinche dólar!… y bueno, ¡el desayuno fue idea mía!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The teams kipper!

Ref: Im sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. What took you so long to answer?

I was in bed.

What were you doing in bed this late?

Getting a second opinion.

…raise the seat before you piss.

Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. I have an idea, said Mike. Well throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder. What, do you think Im stupid? I have an idea. Ill shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light. What, do you think Im stupid? Youll just turn off the flashlight when Im halfway there.

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and its a bad one.



Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So youre a man. Thats interesting. Im a woman… Wow! Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.



The man replied, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!



The woman continued, And look at this – heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.



Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head, opens it and says You take the first drink, then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately chugs half of it, puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.



The woman asks, Arent you having any?



The man replies, No. I think I will just wait for the police…

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap … and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
Your hard drive crashes. You havent logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and theyre having sex. He asks what theyre doing and the father says were playing poker and the mother says & Im his partner.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what theyre doing. The grandfather says Were playing poker and the grandmother says & Im his partner.

He then goes into his brothers room and hes wanking. He asks what hes doing. The brother says Im playing poker.

The other brother asks why he doesnt have a partner and the brother replies, You dont need a partner if you have a good hand !