Old and New Jokes

Era un indito que vendía legunbres en el mercado, pero cada mañana que llegaba tenía que pasar por doinde el carnicero el cual al verlo le gritaba:

¡Qué bonitas nalgas tienes cabrón!

Y el indito lo único que atinaba a hacer era apresurar el paso. Esto era todos los días hasta que otro carnicero le dijo:

Cada que te diga que bonitas nalgas tienes tu le dices me das miedo buey, y verás como te deja de molestar.

Al día siguiente va el indito a trabajar y al pasar frente a la carnicería escucha el ya típico:

¡Qué bonitas nalgas tienes cabrón!

Y recordando el consejo de su amigo este le contesta:

¡Me asusta usté siñor!

How to liven up Thanksgiving dinner…



Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.



Shoot olive pits at Grampas glasses (just pinch them in your fingers and they FLY!!)



Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud BUZZing noise.



Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dads not looking.



Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.



Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.



Hold your nose while you eat.



Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.



Mid-meal turn to mom and say, See mom, I told you they wouldnt notice, you were worried for nothing.



Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your shake back to the table.



Announce that youve got a new fear of choking.



When you arrive, promise that your date wont be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.



Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, THE SAFETY IS ON, while you hold your pocket.

Q: Whats five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.

It hurts too bad to sterilize the nipple

A cop pulls over a car thats been swerving across the lanes of a road.
"Get out of the car, please."
"But Im not drunk, officer!"
"Listen, it doesnt matter if youre drunk or not. If you dont get out of this car, Ill arrest you anyway."
"Fine," says the man and gets out of the car.
"Okay, now walk this yellow line." The man looks at the line.
"Which one of them do I walk on?"

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and
realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation
was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would
come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that
they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and
they discussed their predicament in great depth.

Finally the priest said to the nun, You know, Sister, I am
about to die, and theres always been one thing Ive wanted here on
earth–to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes
so I can look at you?

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and
then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked,
Well, Father, now that I think about it, Ive never seen a man naked,
either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the
nun exclaimed, Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?

The priest patiently answered, That, my child, is a gift from
God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.

Well, responded the nun, forget about me. Stick it in the
camel!

Q: Why did the blonde take some bread to the Toilet?

A: Because she wanted to feed the Toilet Duck

Q: Why was the blonde staring at the Orange juice?

A: Because it said Concentrate.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know youre into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Dont worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

As we grow older year by year, my husband always mourns: the less and less we feel our oats, the more we feel our corns.

Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started.

Youre getting old when tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.

Youre getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didnt do anything the night before.

Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.

You know youre getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Hold onto your nuts, this isnt going to be any regular blow job!

Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.

When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.

I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, Its something like your sisters room, but without a stereo.