Say, said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the host of the party, theres a lot of hot babes at this party. If I find one thats ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I used your extra bedroom?
What about your wife?
Oh, I wont be gone that long. Shell never miss me.
No, Im sure she wont miss you, smirked the host, but fifteen minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom.
The US has achieved its first victory in Afghanistan.
The Red Cross has surrendered.
The devil visited a lawyers office and made him an offer. I can arrange some things for you, the devil said. Ill increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; youll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wifes soul, your childrens souls, and their childrens souls rot in hell for eternity.
The lawyer thought for a moment. Whats the catch? he asked.
Why do blondes like BMWs? Cause they can spell it!
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. Ill see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.
Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.
Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.
Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!
A man and wife were taking a shower when the doorbell rang. The wife says, Ill get it and wraps a towel around her. She opens the door and sees that its her nextdoor neighbor. The neighbor notices that shes in her towel and says, Damn your fine! Ill give you $500 right now if youll open your towel and let me get a good look at that beautiful body of yours She says, $500? Right now? He says, Yeah right now. She agrees and opens her towel and lets him get a real good look. He hands her the $500 and goes back home. She gets back in the shower and her husband asks who was at the door and she says that it was the nextdoor neighbor. He said, Cool! Did he have my 500 bucks?
If you were to strangle a Smurf, what color would it
turn?
A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmers field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now Im going to retrieve it.
The old farmer replied, This is my property, and you are not coming over here.
The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.
The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.
The farmer replied, Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmers third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, OK, you old coot! Now its my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, No I give up, you can have the duck.
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. Its a period, reported Johnnie.
Well I can see that, she said. But what is so exciting about a period.
Damned if I know, said Johnnie, but this morning my sister said she missed one….
Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn, she rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it? She thought for a time and then asked, Is it on or off?