Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said DONT WALK.
27
Apr
27
Apr
1. DIETA DEL PEREJIL: Todas las noches con el mismo Gil. (Aunque esta dieta es bastante rutinaria se rebajan de 5 a 6 Kg por mes).
2. DIETA DEL GRINGO: Meter el viernes y sacar el domingo. Es una dieta que requiere de mucha perseverancia, de lo contrario no da resultados.
3. DIETA DE LA VERDURA: Sólo es posible cuando la cosa está dura. Es realmente indispensable que la cosa esté dura para no perder el tiempo, ya que mientras más rápido, más efectiva. (No es posible determinar la baja de peso).
4. DIETA DE LA FRUTA: Hay que tirar y tirar hasta hacerse puta. Esta es una de las dietas de mas esfuerzo, ya que demanda mucha acción. (Se rebajan mas de 10 Kg mensuales).
5. DIETA DE LA BERENJENA: De vez en cuando, con pareja ajena. Es importante prevenirse del SIDA y otras enfermedades. (Se rebajan 3 Kg semanales, debido más que nada al nerviosismo de ser pillado).
6. DIETA DEL LAGARTO: Comer poco y tirar harto. Esta dieta da buenos resultados, siempre que se cumpla estrictamente. Se complementa con la DIETA DE LA IGUANA que es la misma del LAGARTO pero con más ganas.
7. DIETA DE GUIDO: Igual que la del lagarto pero más seguido. Cuidado con esta dieta, puede dar anorexia. (La baja de Kg es inmediata).
8. DIETA DE SATANÃS: Nada por delante, todo por detrás. Esta dieta es especial para personas alternativas.
9. DIETA DEL MELÓN: Hay que tirar siempre con el mismo huevón. Esta dieta es sumamente rutinaria, pero rebaja hasta 4 Kg mensuales.
10. DIETA DE LA SANDÃA: Tirar sin que importe la hora ni el dÃa. Se bajan hasta 8 Kg mensuales. Especial para desocupados, desempleados o jubilados.
11. DIETA DEL MARQUÉS: Tirar sólo una vez al mes. Esta dieta es ideal para engordar, demanda muy poco esfuerzo.
12. DIETA DEL CARTUCHO: Comer poco y tirar mucho. Esta es la tÃpica dieta del adolescente en vacaciones.
13. DIETA DE LA PANTERA: Una pata en el manubrio y la otra en la guantera. Esta dieta debe ser comenzada con buen estado fÃsico para evitar desgarros posteriores.
14. DIETA DEL PADRE HURTADO: Darle hasta que duela ¡Ay! ¡MuchÃsimo cuidado con esta dieta!, demanda gran esfuerzo y no sólo provoca anorexia, sino también bulimia.
15. DIETA DE LA ARDILLA: Mejor acostada que de rodillas. Ideal para personas sedentarias.
16. DIETA DE LA HORMIGA: Una tras otra. Dieta solo recomendada para atletas de alto nivel.
17. DIETA DE LA ANTONIETA: Una pata en la cama y la otra en la ampolleta. Esta dieta es ideal para personas con buena elongación muscular.
18. DIETA DEL CABALLO: Solo agua y paja. Dieta especial para épocas de recesión económica.
19. DIETA DEL MEMBRILLO: Chuparlo hasta sacarle brillo. Dieta para personas perseverantes y detallistas. (Debido a lo arduo de la dieta se rebajan 2 Kg semanales).
27
Apr
Los padres preocupados al ver que a su hijo recién nacido la falta culo y le sobra mucho, mucho de lo otro… lo llevan al cirujano plástico:
Doctor, dice el padre, mire el niño como nació, queremos que le ponga culo.
El doctor lo mira asombrado:
¡Miren señores, si quieren se lo mamo, pero el culo no se lo pongo a este hijo de puta, ni por el carajo!
27
Apr
Q. Whats red and white and red and white and hard to swallow?
A. A fire engine sandwich.
27
Apr
Little Johnnys teacher told the class to go home and find something interesting to tell the class for the next day. The next day when the teacher told Johnny to tell his story, he went up to the blackboard and drew a period. The teacher asked Johnny what was so interesting about a period. Johnny stood up and replied I dont know, but this morning when my sister said she missed one, mom fainted, dad fell down the stairs, and the guy next door shot himself!
27
Apr
Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was jealous of his newborn son?
He didnt know it was the umbilical cord.
27
Apr
Its on nearly every calendar
It helps relieve Cabin Fever
Spring or not, its still six weeks till St. Urhos Day
Forecast is no less reliable that the National Weather Service
At least one of them critters is bound to see things your way
Valentines Day is too depressing for nerds
Unlike the Easter Bunny, he keeps his dirty paws outside
As they used to say on the radio, The Shadow Knows!
Its fun to say Punxsutawney
If a rodent can bring us an early spring, more power to him
In Canada, either way they come out ahead
I mustve grown an extra finger since I learned to count!
27
Apr
A chicken and an egg were lying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smiling and smoking a cigarette. With a pissed off look the egg said Well, I guess weve answered that question.
27
Apr
Stan Kegels construction story reminded me of some of the silly things my husband had people believe:
People who have boats and yachts will tell you that sightseers ask them all sorts of stupid questions. In our fishing harbour we have a lobster unit, and a pump mounted on the quay circulates fresh sea water through the tanks to keep the lobsters alive. One day a man asked my husband what the pump was for.
With a straight face he replied: It is used to rectify changes brought about by the tides. You see, when it is low tide, they pump water from the harbour into the ocean to get the water to the same level. When it is high tide, they pump the water back again.
The Cango Caves in Oudtshoorn, South Africa, run underground for some 2 km. As we were coming out of the caves, some people approached us asked us what is better: to visit the caves early in the day, or late afternoon.
Late afternoon may not be a good Idea, my husband replied. When the sun sets it gets awfully dark in there.
During a storm our 60 ft wooden trawler sprung a leak. Luckily the harbour is not very deep at that point and she was sitting comfortably in the sand, her decks awash with sea water.
While my husband was trying to salvage his dream, many onlookers gathered, among them the harbour master and some old salts. They were speculating on the condition of the boat and why it had sunk.
It didnt sink, hubby replied, I let it fill with water from time to time to swell the planking.
I think I married a con man. In all three cases the people believed him.
27
Apr
Joe was sitting in his favorite bar having a few beers after work, when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldnt quite place her.
Hi, Joe, she said. I havent seen you in a long time.
Joe was puzzled. Charlie, is that you? What are you doing dressed up like a woman?
Well, Joe. Its a long story, but the bottom line is that I always felt like a woman trapped in a mans body, so I finally decided to do something about it. After a number of operations, I am now a woman.
Joe was initially shocked, but after admiring Charlies breasts, he said, Damn, Charlie, I bet it was pretty painful to have those implants put in.
Yeah, but that wasnt the most painful part.
Joes gaze lowered, and he got a sick feeling in his stomach. Oh shit. You mean you had your penis and testicles cut off? I bet that was awful.
Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasnt the worst part.
I dont believe it, Charlie. What could possibly be worse than that?
The final operation was the worst.
That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain!