Forwarded from a friend whos doing student teaching this semester…
these are actual quotes taken from junior high students science
tests….
* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.
* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
* The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
* To collect fumes of sulhpur, hold a deacon over a flame in a
test tube.
Brent Nordquist
14> Your coffee stays hot all day!13> Never have to look very far to find the legal department.12> In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge — Satan!11> 30% fewer Dilbert cartoons in the break room.10> In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy. 9> You get to spend more time with your spouse now. 8> No more wondering if the boss hates you. 7> Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public
transportation. 6> Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite
invigorating. 5> Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss! 4> Your office: One free stale donut every Friday.
Hell: One brutal mutilation of a Full House cast member every
Friday. 3> Your job? Suit and tie.
Hell? Pitchforks and attitude, Baby! 2> Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke
now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint. 1> Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!
BLAMESTORMING:
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
CUBE FARM:
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING:
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and peoples heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
MOUSE POTATO:
The on-line, wired generations answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS:
(Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STARTER MARRIAGE:
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
STRESS PUPPY:
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPED OUT:
an ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
IRRITAINMENT:
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example. Bill Clintons shameful video Grand Jury testimony is another.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE:
The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
VULCAN NERVE PINCH:
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the arm reboot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command Key, the Return Key and the Power On Key.
YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS:
The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out at ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal, We each owe $8, but all anybodys got are yuppie food stamps!
GENERICA:
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND:
That miniscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve made a BIG mistake.
WOOFYS:
Well Off Older Folks.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Uva!
Uva who?
Uva vacuum!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Watson!
Watson who?
Watson television!
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden.
He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
In my family, the Scotsman said, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I knock you down and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me down and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could and knocked him over. The Englishman fell to the floor and howled in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to kick you.
The Scotsman said, No. You can keep the egg!
Two crows were sitting on a plough handle. Suddenly they spotted a sandwich in the field. They flew down and were delighted to find that it was Bologna! They gorged themselves and flew back to the plough for a snooze. Unfortunately they were quickly awakened by a gunshot as the farmer tried to scare away the crows in his cornfield. Our two friends tried to join the flock but fell down.
The moral of this story is, Dont fly off the handle when youre full of baloney!
Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, You know, were starting to get on each others nerves. Why dont we split up today. Ill hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, well have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire. The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.
That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?
The second friend says, I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.
Wow, the first guy says, did you get a blow job?
No, says the second friend. I couldnt find her head.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, Please be gentle, Im still a virgin.
What? said the puzzled groom.
How can that be if youve been married ten times?
Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said hed look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldnt get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didnt know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasnt sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that Ive married you, Im really excited!
Good, said the new husband, but, why?
Youre a lawyer. This time I know Im gonna get screwed!
A blonde buys a new sports car and decides to take it out and see what it can do. So she is flying down the highway at 100+ mph when she loses control. She is thrown from the car and lands in a field. A man passing by sees this and rushes to her aid. He asks her is she is alright and she says yes just a little dazed. So he asks her how many fingers and she screams OH MY GOD I AM PARALYZED FROM THE WAIST DOWN!