Old and New Jokes

As far as I know this is original. I made this up with a few friends while
in a bar in the middle of nowhere cut off from the rest of civilization.

I heard recently that no Filipino saints have ever been selected and feel
this is a wrong that must be righted. I know of at least one Filipino
who has passed the criteria for sainthood (performing three miracles),
Ferdinand Marcos. The miracles he performed are:

1) He took millions, possibly billions of dollars out of one of the
worlds poorer nations.

2) He stayed married to Imelda for over 30 years.

3) He died of natural causes.

Q: How many Mensans does it take to screw in a litebulb?
A: None. They know that litebulb is misspelled and therefore cannot exist to be screwed in. Now of course, if it were a Miller Lite bulb…

A doctor, a lawyer, and an architect were arguing about who had the smartest dog. They decided to settle the issue by getting all the dogs together and seeing whose could perform the most impressive feat.

Okay, Rover, ordered the architect, and Rover trotted over to a table and in four minutes constructed a complete scale model of a Cathedral out of toothpicks. The architect slipped Rover a cookie, and everyone agreed that it was a pretty impressive performance.

Hit it, Spot, commanded the doctor. Spot lost no time in performing an emergency Caesarean on a cow. Three minutes later the proud mother of a healthy little heifer was all sewed up and doing fine. Not bad, conceded the onlookers, and Spot got a cookie from the doctor.

Your turn, Fella, said the lawyer. Over went Fella, screwed the other two dogs, took their cookies, and went out to lunch.

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.

Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.



He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?



Yep, thats him, he replied.



The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?



Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.

Q: What do you do when a pig has a heartatack?

A: You call an hambulance!

How do you know if youre in love, in lust, or really married?



LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE – When you lose your child in crowded room.



LOVE – When intercourse is called making love.

LUST – When intercourse is called screwing.

MARRIAGE – What the hell are you talking about?



LOVE – When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST – When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE – When you argue over money.



LOVE – When you share everything you own.

LUST – When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.



LOVE – When it doesnt matter if you dont climax.

LUST – When the relationship is over if you dont climax.

MARRIAGE – Whats a climax?



LOVE – When you phone each other just to say, Hi.

LUST – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE – When you phone each other to bitch.



LOVE – When you write poems about your partner.

LUST – When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE – When all you write is checks.



LOVE – When you show concern for your partners feelings.

LUST – When you couldnt give a shit.

MARRIAGE – When your only concern is whats on TV.



LOVE – When your farewell is I love you, darling…

LUST – When your farewell is So, same time next week…

MARRIAGE – When your farewell is a relief.



LOVE – When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST – When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE – When you never see each other awake.



LOVE – When your heart flutters everytime you see them.

LUST – When your groin twitches everytime you see them.

MARRIAGE – When your wallet empties everytime you see them.



LOVE – When nobody else matters.

LUST – When nobody else knows.

MARRIAGE – When everybody else matters and you dont care who knows.



LOVE – When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST – When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE – When you listen to talk radio.



LOVE – When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST – When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE – When just getting through today is your only thought.



LOVE – When youre only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST – When youre only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE – When youre only interested in your golf score.

A blonde woman and her mother-in-law were among a group of women playing ball in the woods during a family reunion. They eventually lose the ball, so the daughter-in-law goes into the woods to find the ball they lost. While searching, she came across an oil lamp, and upon rubbing it, there appeared a genie.

The genie said, Because you let me out of my lamp, Ill grant you 3 wishes, though your mother-in-law whom you despise will benefit tenfold in order to keep you focused on what is truly important in life. The only way you can be truly happy is to give even greater happiness to the ones you do not like.

He asked, What is your first wish?

She replied that she wanted to be the prettiest woman on earth. The genie replied that he would gladly grant her wish but that her mother-in-law will be 10 times more beautiful.

He asked, What is your second wish?

She asked to be the richest woman on earth. The genie said, Okay but your mother-in-law will be 10 times richer.

He asked, And what is your third wish?

She replied, Id like to have a mild heart attack.

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this…

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life?

Heres a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then…

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But…

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And..
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND look how far ass kissing will take you…

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 127%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
Bullshit and Ass Kissing will put you over the top.

A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Out in the middle of darkest Africa there was a White Missionary
living with a tribe of black natives.

On day the big chief comes along and calls the Missionary into
his hut, where he was sharpening his big axe. He explains to the white
man that his daughter has just given birth to a white baby, and
that since hes the only white man for thousands of miles, he will
be the main course that night.

Now just hang on a minute, give me a chance to explain chief,
says the Missionary. Youre jumping to conclusions here. Let me
tell you a story. See all those white sheep out in the field and
how theres one black one amongst them.

OK! says the Chief, You say nothing, I say nothing!