Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
James!
James who!
James people play!

My wife brought this list home from the health centre last night.
 

arterythe study of painting
bacteriaback door of a cafeteria
bariumwhat doctors do when patients die
bowela letter like A, E, I, O, U
caesarean sectiona neighbourhood in Rome
cat scanlooking for kitty
cauterisehad eye contact with her
comaa punctuation mark
D & Cwhere Washington is
dilateto live longer
enemanot a friend
festerquicker
fibulaa small lie
impotentdistinguished, well known
labour paingetting hurt at work
medical staffa doctors cane
nitratescheaper than day rates
nodewas aware of
outpatienta person who has fainted
pap smeara fatherhood test
pelvisa cousin of Elvis
recovery rooma place to do upholstery
rectumnearly killed em
secretionhiding something
seizureRoman emperor
tableta small table
terminal illnesa) getting sick at the airport
b) getting sick at your VDU
tumormore than one
urineopposite of youre out
varicosenearby
veinconceited

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries –

DOC, DOC…I cant feel my legs, I cant feel my legs!!!

Well of course you cant silly!, replies the Doc…

Ive cut off both of your arms.

Warning: Any resemblance between this fictional piece and a real person is
most certainly accidental.
*ring* *ring*
Hello! Local ISP, how can I help you?
Well, I was sorta hoping someone could walk me through taking a leak
Okay… well, do you have to go now?
Yes, I do
Okay… well, are you on male or female equipment?
MALE-CLONE…
Okay, the first thing we want to do is find your fly..
My what?
Your fly… it opens your pants. It should be in the front of you. Look
down
I see shoes
No, sir… look sorta in the front of you… like just below your
stomach. You should see some metal on your pants. Thats your fly..
The round thing?
Well, thats your button… lets open that, too, while were down
there. The fly looks like a lot of little metal things sideways
Oh, okay.. got it. Okay, its open..
Okay, sir… can you grab your willy?
No.
Do you see your willy?
No.
Okay… what do you see?
I see white… just white and some lines..
Do you have underwear installed?
No.
Sir, if you cant see your willy, and you see only white… I think that
you may have underwear installed. We are going to have to uninstall your
underwear to take a leak….
Well, my friend was the last one to use my fly… he might have installed
underwear…
Okay, sir… well grab the white part and pull down… keep pulling until
you see your willy..
Its stuck… it wont go down…
The white part? Or your willy?
My willy…
DONT pull down on your willy, sir… just the underwear… we only want
to get to the point where we can see it….
Oh… okay, were there….
Okay… now look around the room… do you see anything made of porcelain?
I see a little penguin on a shelf …
Okay, sir…youre in the living room…. go to the bathroom. We cant
take a leak until we are in the bathroom. The bathroom will have a lot of
tile, maybe some carpeting… yours might have mirrors or some soap in it.
Some people have showers in their bathrooms…
Well, Im downstairs… I think the bathroom is upstairs…
Okay, well… lets go upstairs…
I cant walk…
Okay, sir… temporarily reinstall your underwear… then go upstairs..
then uninstall your underwear again…
That was the white part, right?
Yes, sir… thats correct…

Okay, Im upstairs…
Okay… now do you see any porcelain bowl-type things?
Well, theres two…
How tall are you sir?
54 ..
Okay… go to the one where its lower than your willy….
Okay….Im there
Okay… now make sure that you are pointing toward the porcelain bowl..
now just go….
What do you mean?
Well, when it pops up… just hit okay…..

Clinton doesnt inhale, he sucks USE CAUTION! 90% of people are made by accident. Its a dog eat dog world… and Im wearing milkbone underwear!!! I break for hallucinations My Lawyer Can Beat Your Lawyer Blondes Are Not Dumb (the bumper sticker was upside-down) DADDY FARTED AND WE CANT GET OUT!!! IF YOU DONT LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!!! Nuck Fewt ORGASM DONOR My child made Student of the Month at Juvenile Hall No radio. Already stolen. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister. So many pedestrians, so little time. My other wife is beautiful. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? Dont laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle. There is one in every crowd and they always find me. I love animals – They taste great! Id rather step in shit than smoke it. Unless you are a hemorrhoid – get off my ass! On the back of a caterers truck: Nobody beats our meat!

When your wife walks in front of you it looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack.

Your only excuse for smelling bad is it runs in the family.

Your favorite fruit is chicken.

Confucius says:

Passionate kiss, like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

‘War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.

‘He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

The pope and one of his aides were traveling across the Atlantic on plane, and during the flight, the Pope tried to catch up with one of his crossword puzzles.

Midway through the flight, the Pope leans over to his aid and whispers: whats a 4-letter word that means woman that ends in unt?

His aide thinks for awhile and triumphantly says, I have it. its Aunt.

Oh dear, says the pope, do you have an eraser?

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a
traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge
rose from the bench. Madam, I have
waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this
court, he smiled with
delight. Now sit down at that table and write I will not
pass through a red light five hundred times.

A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

Now listen carefully, he told the homeowner, Im going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on

Ok, got it. the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?

If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, the man said, shoot the Chihuahua.