a blonde brunett and a redhead were all about to die. so first comes the brunett and the killers say ready aim and she yells earthquake so they all run and duck for cover she escapes.
so they all come back after they found out it was a false alarm. and now its the red heads turn ready aim and she yells tornado again they all run and duck for cover.
once they find out its a false alarm they come back. now its the blondes turn and they say ready aim and she screams fire.
Manlys Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra
or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided
he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler
to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: Debra,
Ive never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off. Could you jack off? she says. I
feel like shit.
If you have no cars that are moblie, and 14 cars that arent, then you might be a redneck.
By Nicholas Petreley
Sulu, set path to the floppy drive. Scotty, fit the hard drive with the Microsoft Windows 95 engine. Chekov, prepare the install disks, were about to begin a sequel.
Capitan, Windows 95 doesnt do SQL.
Right. Then lets see how she performs at task speed. Scotty?
Captain, are you surre you want to replace the system? If ye put Windows code into a true 32-bit multitasking environment, well risk a matter-antimatter explosion!
Scotty, thats an order.
Aye, Captain, but shes just not rready. She needs a proper beta shakedown.
Thats what were doing, Scotty. Chekov, how are those install disks coming?
Were on disk 5, sir.
Good. Spock?
Fascinating, Captain. It appears as if Windows 95 is scanning our hardware and mutating to adapt.
Then, Spock, can you tell me why it is saying it cant use the Microsoft sound card, which works fine as configured under Windows 3.1?
Unknown, Captain.
Will it use a Proaudio Spectrum?
Unknown, Captain.
How about a Sound Blaster?
Unknown, Captain.
What good are you, anyway?
Box-office attraction, Captain.
Bones?
Im a doctor, not a hardware technician.
Spock, cancel the Microsoft sound card and install the Proaudio Spectrum. Chekov, finish the software installation. Sulu, reboot the system when its ready and prepare to go to task speed on my signal.
Yes, Captain.
Chekov?
Weve just entered the desktop zone, Capitan.
Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.
Scotty, we havent even started yet.
Sorry, Captain, I just havent had a line in so long…
Sulu, go to task 1. Bring up the README.TXT in the notepad.
Yes, Captain.
Wait a minute. Cancel that order. Plot a shortcut to the README.TXT in the desktop zone. Well be navigating back there frequently.
Yes, sir.
Spock?
It seems as if we have a hardware conflict, sir. The Proaudio Spectrum 16 isnt responding, either in sound or SCSI.
Disable the card, Spock.
Im sorry, sir. It wont disable the SCSI without stopping the sound card first. And it wont disable the sound card without disabling the SCSI first.
Captain, an enemy ship is approaching at 12 oclock.
[looks at watch] Good, that gives us a little more time to debug these systems.
No, sir. The ship is already upon is.
Uhura?
Scanning all frequencies, sir. Im trying to get an image, sir, but the system is awfully slow.
Scotty, whats happening down there?
The engine is running smoothly, Captain, but the 16-bit GDI can only process one console request at a time. Even the main 32-bit systems are blocked.
See what you can do, Scotty. Spock?
It appears to be an IBM ship, Captain. Equipped with a Warp drive.
[impressive sound of Warp engine coming up to speed, oohs and ahhs as crew gazes in the direction of enemy ship]
Put it on visual, Chekov.
Yes, sir.
[louder oohs and ahhs]
Spock, the enemy ship is approaching fast. We need audio!
Im sorry, Captain. The registry is not responding.
Bones?
Im a doctor, not a beta tester!
Quick, Sulu, bring up the README.TXT file.
Captain – its gone. Some other task in the system must have moved or changed it.
Long range scan, Chekov.
I found it, Capitain. Wait a minute. This README.TXT file is for the game Lands of Lore, with Patrick Stewart doing the voice of King Richard.
Patrick Stewart?
Youve never heard of Patrick Stewart?
No.
Must be a generation gap.
Captain, she canna take it much more. Another 15 sectors and the enginesll burn up fer surrre.
[sigh] Maintain power, Mister Scott. Quick, Sulu, put us on red alert.
Captain, I cant figure out how to change the color of the desktop background!
Bones?
Im a doctor, not a quick reference!
Never mind. Find the screen saver. Spock, prepare to fire HP Laserjet.
Captain, Ive chosen the screen saver that says Chicago is COOL but now Im getting no response at the helm.
[Boom as the enemy hits ship with photon torpedo, then large zapping sound, then either ship moves back and forth, or people sway left and right, depending on perspective. Sparks fly from console, fires glare, indicating what would normally be irreparable damage, yet will be fixed in just minutes Sulu – take evasive action or its certain Doom!
Yes, it certainly is Doom and I dont mind telling you Im getting awfully sick of this demo. Doom is one of the most stable games around, so what does it prove that it runs under Win 95?
Weve got… to get… to the kernel. Uhura… notify… the… kernel at star fleet.
Captain, I think either communications is breaking up, or youre dropping into melodramatic Shakespearean stammer mode again.
Spock?
Fascinating Captain. It would seem that the needs of the few have outweighed the needs of the many.
Scotty, get us out of here!
Sorry, Captain, the engine is no longer responding! Well have to do a hard boot for surrre.
Bones?
Its dead, Jim.
Q: Whats the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.
Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton?
A: The President after Bush.
Q: Whats the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.
Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
A: Dont hit your head on the desk.
Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on Presidents day?
A: All pants half off.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common?
A: They both blew the big one several times.
Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government?
A: The Executive Branch.
Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common?
A: They both have slots which say Insert Bill here.
(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the Hacker Barbie. These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.
This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbies very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORAs In a Nutshell series. The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional.)
The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as Whats youre Internet address?, I like TCP/IP!, Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten trashed, Cant you grep that file?, and DECs Alpha AXP is awesome!
We are very excited about this product, said Ken Olsen, Marketing Executive, and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie. (A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, Math is hard, with a condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbies Ken is an incompetent management consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Falodji says, I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that womyn are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Kens hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses. Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they will fall behind the children technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes out. My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie for two days, says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi, and now she pays my credit card bill online. Got no idea how she does it, but she surely does it. I just dont wanna be looked upon as some dumb mama. Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!! will serve as an introduction to expository writing.
The following is an excerpt of an article in the April issue of Saturday Night magazine by John Fraser the (now) former editor.
For those who dont know, the province of Ontario has set in place a policy of zero tolerance for harassment and discrimination at universities. This excerpt really pokes fun at the potential misuse and abuse of such a policy.
Dear H & D officer,
I am a female graduate student with an alternative lifestyle. Our history department has invited an international scholar named Simon Schama to lecture here next month. The title of his talk is Dykes and Discord: The role of land reclamation in 17th century Dutch domestic policy. Posters have been plastered all over our campus, causing snickering, and I have been made to feel uneasy. Does the FRAMEWORK have any remedy?
You bet it does! There is zero tolerance for anything that makes you feel a loss of self-esteem, and the FRAMEWORK clearly states the visitors on campus should be subject to complaints if they engage in prohibited conduct.
Depending on how your academic administration chooses to police the FRAMEWORKS guidelines, you have a range of options – from demanding prior access to the visitors lecture to cancellation of the lecture itself and having the visitor barred from campus.
As for posters, they clearly come under the grounds of poisoning the work or study environment, and the FRAMEWORK is very specific about this : A complainant, it says, does not [even] have to be a direct target to be adversely affected by a negative environment. It includes conduct or comment that creates and maintains an offensive, hostile, or intimidating climate for study or work.
If Im not mistaken the quotations are direct quotes from the zero tolerance policy.
Laugh, its OK … for now (insert dramatic military music here)
The following statements are said to have been written by actual children and, as far as we know, are genuine, authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has been left in):
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.