Old and New Jokes

Well, Mrs. OConnor, so you want a divorce? the solicitor questioned his
client. Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?

Oh, no, replied Mrs. OConnor. Shure now, we have a carport.

The solicitor tried again. Well, does the man beat you up?

No, no, said Mrs. OConnor, looking puzzled. Oim always first out of bed.
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?

Shure now, he plays the flute, but I dont think he knows anything about the
connubial.

Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. What Im trying to find out are what
grounds you have.

Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat–not even a window box, let alone
grounds.

Mrs. OConnor, the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, you need a
reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
divorce?

Ah, well now, said the lady, Shure its because the man cant hold an
intelligent conversation.

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. Whos in that room? the man asks. Oh, those are the holy rollers, says Saint Peter. They make a lot of noise but theyre pretty harmless.

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. Whos in there? the man asks. Thats the room for the Shakers replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, we must be very quiet going past this door. Dont make a sound.

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

Oh, those are the Catholics. They think theyre the only ones up here!

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, I descend into hell!

A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place.

When the new actor announced, I descend into hell! the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend.

One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: Hallelujah! Hell is full!

[Ed: The odd experience in telling this joke is that most men find it funny,
but I have yet to meet a woman who does. Now the problem with the above
disclaimer is that women will all read the joke, just to find out what it
is that men find funny and women dont. So youll read it, and say,
thats not very funny. But because of this warning, you wont complain
to me. ]

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but
couldnt find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he
and Eve were earlier. Adam said, This morning Eve and I made love for
the first time.

God said, Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen.
Where is Eve now?

Adam replied, Shes down at the river, washing herself
out.

Damn, says God, now all the fish will smell funny.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and

always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to

begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your

stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and

never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you

either married it or gave birth to it!

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, Congratulations sir, Youre the father of twins. What a coincidence, the man said with some obvious pride. I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team. The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, You sir, are the father of triplets. Wow, Thats really an incredible coincidence he answered. I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down." An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the thirrd man — who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. Dont tell me! Another coincidence? asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said I dont believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel! After hearing this, everybodys attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers… I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers… I should have never taken that job at Millennium Computers…

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.

At work you spend most of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.

At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.

At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.

At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.

At work you are just ball-and-chained.

In prison you get your own room.

At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.

At work you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers, with no work required.

At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.

At work we have managers.

Q: How many Quality managers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Weve formed a quality circle to study the problem of why lightbulbs burn out and to determine the best thing we as managers can do to enable lightbulbs to work smarter, not harder.

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor Big Chief no fart.

The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.

The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, Big Chief no fart.

The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.

The girl comes back the next day and says, Big Chief no fart.

After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.

The next day the girl comes back crying and says Big fart no Chief!

En una rueda de prensa:

Y diganos, señor intendente, ¿cuáles han sido los resultados del programa experimental de reinserción de reclusos?

Pues hemos tenido una de cal y una de arena; de los dos delincuentes que se presentaron voluntarios para el proyecto uno ha decidido hacerse abogado, pero parece que el otro quiere seguir por el buen camino.