Old and New Jokes

Why were the Scouts so tired on April 1?

Because they had just finished a 31 day March!

A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maitred there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He goes into the bar and the bartender says, Whatll it be?

The man replies, Give me a Stoli with a twist.

The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, Once upon time were three little pigs…

IBM: Ive Been Mugged

Crash – When you go to Juniors party uninvited.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.”

The bartender says, “Whatve you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”

These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time.

They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating.

Excuse me sisters, he says shyly, but I dont normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns.

Its perfectly okay they reassured the clerk, this is strictly for medicinal purposes.

Very well said the clerk, that will be $6.50

The nuns thanked him and were on their way.

About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk.

He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says I am ashamed of you two!

You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!

To this the nuns replied Dont feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you .

You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmers field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff then asked the old farmer, Were they ALL dead? The old farmer replied, Well, some of them said they werent, but you know how them politicians lie.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffys.

Fortean Times reports that a British supermarket workers underwear spontaneously combusted. Luckily it was edible underwear, so the clerk ended up with cherries jubilee.

Q: Why does it work?
A: Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?