Old and New Jokes

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.
But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked. I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered. But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked. He quickly answered Oh, the dogs leash goes slack.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever. Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option. Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all! Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt… What about the PC? Its got Windows ME! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys. Which three? Control, Alt and Delete.

A traveller in a strange town found that his watch stopped.

He happened to see a door with a big clock hanging outside, so he stepped in.

An elderly Jewish man attended him and he explained that his watch needed fixing.

The elderly man said I am sorry, sir I cannot help you, I am a mohel not a watchmaker

The man replied, surprised If you are a mohel why do you hang a clock outside your door? The mohel replied Well, if you were a mohel, what would YOU hang outside your door?

-Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?

It doesnt show the dirt.

-Who makes all the bras for brunettes?

Fisher-Price

-Why didnt Indians scalp brunettes?

The hair from a buffalos butt was more manageable.

-Why are most brunettes flat-chested?

It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.

-Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?

It matches their mustache.

-Why is the color brunette considered evil?

Whens the last time ya saw a blonde witch?

-How can you tell a brunette is lonely ?

Check her for a pulse.

-What is the most frustrated animal in the world?

A brunette rabbit.

-Why do brunettes wear training bras?

Its cheaper than changing their Band-Aids every day.

-Why did they quit selling brunette Barbie dolls?

Parents felt the dandruffmight be contagious.

-How do brunettes get the tangles out their hair?

With a rake.

-Why dont brunettes get breast implants?

Theyve already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.

-Why did God create brunettes?

So ugly men wouldnt feel left out.

-What do brunettes miss most about a great party?

The invitation.

-Where do brunettes get the hair for a transplant?

From their underarms.

-How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?

Startled.

-What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette?

A hostage.

-How did Revlon come up with its brunette hair color?

By studying what oilspills did to seaweed.

-Whats the difference between a brunette and the trash?

At least the trash gets taken out once a week.

-What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?

They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.

-Why do brunettes have to pay an extra $2,000 for a breast job ?

Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.

-What did the frustrated brunette say to her uninterested lover?

What part of *yes* dont you understand?

Regis: Barbara, youve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right … but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 — are you ready?

Barbara: Sure, Ill have a go!

Regis: Which of the following birds does not build its own nest?

Is it……..

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

I think I know who it..but Im not 100%…

No, I havent got a clue. Id like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: Ill phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham.

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): Hello…

Regis: Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbaras and shell read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer — fire away Barbara.

Barbara: Maggie, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Maggie: Oh Gees, Barbara thats simple…..Its a Cuckoo.

Barbara: You think?

Maggie: Im sure.

Barbara: Thanks Maggie. (hangs up)

Regis: Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?

Barbara: I want to play, Ill go with C-Cuckoo

Regis: Is that your final answer?

Barbara: It is.

Regis: Are you confident?

Barbara: Yes fairly, Maggies a sound bet.

Regis: Barbara…..you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo …youre right! – You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara.

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks Tell me Maggie, How in Gods name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock.

1. Youve ever cut your grass and found a car.

2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that arent.

3. You think the stock market has a fence around it.

4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater.

5. Youve ever lost a loved one to kudzu.

6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

7. You own a homemade fur coat.

8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.

9. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

10. Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I

can take a bath.

11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as the day my ship came in.

12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.

13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

14. Youve ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from

the Governor to spare a loved one.

16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall

because of her language.

17. Someone asks, Wheres your bowling bag? and you answer, Shes at home with the kids.

18. Birds are attracted to your beard.

19. Your wifes job requires her to wear an orange vest.

20. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

21. You have the local taxidermists number on speed dial.

22. Youve ever hit a deer with your car…deliberately.

23. Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

24. You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

25. Youve ever given rat traps as gifts.

26. You clean your fingernails with a stick.

27. Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

28. You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

29. You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

30. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

31. Your mother has ammo on her Christmas list.

32. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

33. Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.

34. There are more than five McDonalds bags currently in the floorboard of your car.

35. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

36. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

37. Youve ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

38. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.

39. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

40. Youve ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

41. You think taking out the trash means taking your in-laws to a movie.

42. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

43. Youve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

44. Your considered an expert on worm beds.

45. Your kids take a siphon hose to Show and Tell.

46. The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.

47. Youve ever bought a used cap.

48. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.

49. You pick your teeth from a catalog.

50. Youve ever financed a tattoo.

51. Youve ever stolen toilet paper.

52. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

53. People hear your car a long time before they see it.

54. The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

55. You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

56. You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

57. You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

58. Youve ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.

59. You think the French Riviera is foreign car.

60. You go to a stock car race and dont need a program.

61. Youve ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

62. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

63. MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.

64. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.

65. Youve ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.

66. Your mother does not remove the Marlboro from her mouth before

telling the state trooper to kiss her ass.

67. Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.

68. You own a denim leisure suit.

69. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

70. Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.

71. Youve ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.

72. You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.

73. You have a rag for a gas cap.

74. The dog cant watch you eat without gagging.

75. You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

76. You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on

your arm.

77. Youve ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge

clearance restrictions.

78. Youve ever had to scratch your sisters name out of a message that begins, For a good time call….

79. You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.

80. Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.

81. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while your at work.

82. After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs

with beer bottles.

83. Your father executes the pull my finger trick during Christmas

dinner.

84. All of your four letter words are two syllables.

85. Youve ever been too drunk to fish?

86. You cut your toenails in front of company.

87. You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet women.

88. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

89. Hitchhikers wont get in the car with you.

90. Youve ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.

91. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.

92. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

93. You can spit without opening your mouth.

94. You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

95. You call your boss dude.

96. You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.

97. You have grease under your toenails.

98. You consider your license plate personalized because your father

made it.

99. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

100. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

101. Youve ever been fired from a construction job because of your

appearance.

102. Youve ever cleaned fish in your living room.

103. You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.

104. You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute

for toilet paper.

105. Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

106. When asked for I.D. you show them your belt buckle.

107. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds. 108. Your wifes

hair-do was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.

109. Your father walks you to school because youre both in the same

grade.

110. Your house doesnt have curtains but your pick-up does.

111. Your father encourages you to quit school because uncle Larry has an opening at the Lube Rack.

112. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.

113.Anyone in your family has ever worn a tube-top to a wedding.

114. Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help him take off the wheels and skirt it.

115. You consider a six-pack and a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.

116. Your front porch collapses and it kills more than three dogs.

117. Your family tree doesnt fork. 118. Directions to your house include the phrase turn off the paved road.

119. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.

120. You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while youre at bingo.

121. You prominently display the gift you got at Graceland.

122. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

123. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.

124. Youve been to a funeral where there were more pick-ups than cars.

125. Jack Daniels makes your most admired list.

126. You have only one more hole to be punched in your card to get a

freebie at the House of Tattoos.

127. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.

128. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.

129. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

130. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight.

131. People ask you for ID and you show them your belt buckle.

132. Your brother and sister get divorced…from each other.

133. Your wife asks you to fix the furniture…and you use any of the following: a) Duct Tape; b) Welding torch; c) any sticky bodily fluids.

134. Your porch collapses and more than 6 dogs die.

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, Press bell for night watchman.

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

Well, he snarled at the blonde, what do you want?

I just want to know why you cant ring the bell for yourself?

Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.

Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.

Your dad is also your favorite uncle.

Another Compaq technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.