Old and New Jokes

As was the custom in the small town, the new student at the Yeshiva was invited to the richest merchants home for Friday night dinner. The new student was tall and handsome, the merchant had a pretty daughter, so as the Friday nights passed by, the glances between the young people got bolderand more passionate. When their love could no longer be ignored, the pappa invited the young student to his study for an after dinner liquor and conversation.

The pappa asked What are your intentions towards my daugter?


The student replied, Sir, I love your daughter and wish to marry her!


The pappa asked How do you intend to keep her in the style to which she is accustomed?


The student replied Sir, I will study very hard and the good Lord will provide


The pappa then asked again, But what will you do when the children arrive?


The student replied Sir, I will study even harder and the good Lord will surely provide.


So after the conversation ended, the mamma cornered the pappa and asked Nu, so how did it go?


The pappa answered Well, there is good news and bad news


So tell me said the mamma.


Well said the pappa The bad news is that he hasnt a penny to his name


So what is the good news? asked the mamma.


The pappa replied The good news is that he thinks that I am the good Lord!

If IBM ran Christmas…
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas…
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas…
Wait a minute? Isnt IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas…
Babys First Ornament would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas…
We used to have Christmas back in the 70s, didnt we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas…
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas…
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas…
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas…
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas…
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas…
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas…
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.

(Thanks to Daryl Hillen)

Three Chinese women go to see Buddha. The first one says,
Buddha, I want a man with three dragons on his chest. The second woman says, Buddha, I want a man with two dragons on his chest. The third woman says. Buddha I want a man with one dragging on the ground.

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realises that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyards caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

Oh, its nothing to worry about says the caretaker.

Hes just decomposing!

Two guys, John and Jake, are training the art of parachutism.

At 12 000 feet, they jump out of the plane. By pulling the yellow cord, the parachute should unfold.

This does happen to John. Gently he floats in the air. Unfortunately this doesnt happen to Jake, no matter how hard he pulls the yellow string, nothing happens. Hes fallen straight down to earth.

John shouts to him: Dont make a fuss of it, its just a practice jump!

A man walks into a bar.

Bartender asks whatll have.

Man replies A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts.

Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.

All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts.

Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble hes talking about.

The man says Give me a beer and I might just tell you.

The bartender replies, Sorry, youve had your limit for the night.

The man says Ohh, now the trouble starts..

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY

SICKNESS:

No excuses. We will no longer accept your doctors statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

AN OPERATION:

We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

DEATH (Other than your own):

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided you share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in you absence.

(Your own):

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.

ALSO:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with A will go from 8:00 to 8:15, and so on. If youre unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.

We appreciate your cooperation,

THE MANAGEMENT

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.

Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.

The first day after Christmas
My true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite

Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup

The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.

The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldnt lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.

My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.

On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.

The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect

I wrote my true love
We are through, love!
And I said in so many words
Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!

Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!