Old and New Jokes

Three men are standing before St. Peter while he questions them about their lives.

Both the Italian and Irishman tell about working hard, being thrifty, putting their kids through college and going to church regularly. St. Peter is impressed and, taking them one by one, he says, There is one little test youll have to pass. How do you spell God?

They each answer, G-O-D, St. Peter tells each one, The Gates of Heaven are open to you.

The third man is black and his life story is about being single but living with six women, fathering twenty-five kids (with everyone on Welfare) and suffering from honky repression and discrimination.

Am I ever glad to be here, he says.

A very impressive story, St. Peter remarks, but, there is one little test you have to pass … how do you spell chrysanthemum?

1. Psychiatrists say that one of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If theyre OK, youre it.

2. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.

3. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

4. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

5. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

6. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

7. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. Pauls Law: You cant fall off the floor.

11. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

12. Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. Its easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, youd be paranoid, too.

13. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way.

14. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

15. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you cant find them.

16. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

17. A .44 Magnum beats four aces.

Q: Whats the mating call of the blonde?

A: Im *sooo* drunk!

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?

A: (Screaming) I said: Im drunk!

April 1, 1988: The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered
by physicists at Turgid University. The element, tentatively named
Administratium (Ad), has no protons or electrons, which means that its atomic
number is 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistants to the neutron,
75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistants to the vice-neutrons. This gives it an
atomic mass number of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
memoons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it is
present. According to Dr. M. Langour, one of the discoverers of the element, a
very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less
than a second take over four days.

Administratium has a half-life of approximately 3 years, at which
time it does not actually decay. Instead, it undergoes a reorganization in
which assistants to the neutron, vice-neutrons, and assistants to the
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic
mass number actually increases after each reorganization.

Administratium was discovered by accident when Dr. Languor angrily
resigned from the chairmanship of the physics department and dumped all of his
papers into the intake hatch of the universitys particle accelerator.
Apparently, the interaction of all of those reports, grant forms, etc. with
the particles in the accelerator created the new element. Dr. Langour
explained.

Research at other laboratories seems to indicate that Administratium
might occur naturally in the atmosphere. According to one scientist,
Administratium is most likely to be found on college and university campuses,
near the best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

[Ed: By Thomas Kyle of M.I.T.]

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM … I think its out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. Its an entry-level position.
2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

   AND NUMBER 1

1. Its not fair … I do all the work while he just sits there.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a pager.

Doctor: Did you take the patients temperature?

Nurse: No. Is it missing?

Heres one I made up while in the sixth grade. Its a sixth-grade joke, but no worse than the one just read! A drunk was sitting in his car in the parking lot outside a bar, yelling: Help! Poleesh! Ive been robbed! The cop on the beat came to him & said, Whats wrong?

The drunk said, Look for yourshelf! They took my shteering wheel, my inshtrument panel; they even took my pedalsh! The policeman said, No problem; everythings right up here in the front seat!

Un señor con un enorme deseo de ser padre acude al médico para buscar solución a su problema.

Doctor, quiero ser padre, pero tengo un problema muy grave que me lo impide.

Cuénteme, yo soluciono cualquier problema de fertilidad.

Mi problema es que tengo una bolita de madera y la otra de metal.

No se aflija, que todo tiene solución. Hace varios años, dos de mis pacientes vinieron con el mismo problema y yo se los solucioné: tuvieron 2 niños cada uno. Es más, quedaron tan agradecidos, que están de visita por aquí. ¿Quiere que se los presente?

¡Por supuesto!

¡Pinocho, Robocop, vengan que este señor los quiere conocer!

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?



Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?





Is there another word for synonym?





Isnt is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?





When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?





When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?





Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?





Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?





Why do they report power outages on TV?





What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?





Is it possible to be totally partial?





Whats another word for thesaurus?





If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?





Would a fly without wings be called a walk?





Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?





Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?





If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?





If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?





If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?





When it rains, why dont sheep shrink?





Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?





If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?





Why is the word abbreviation so long?





When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?





If youre cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?