Old and New Jokes

A guy wakes up in the middle of the night and finds a robber going through his drawer.
What are you looking for, the guy asks.
Money, the startled robber answers.
The guy turns over onto his side and answers, If you find any, tell me

Youre so stupid you thought Puff Daddy was a brand of cigarettes.

Absolute ZeroAbsolute vodka over frozen nitrogen
Alexander the GrrreatGin, creme de cacao and sweet cream over Cornflakes
American in ParisKentucky bourbon and champagne
Black SabbathKahlua and Mogen David wine
Blind FaithWood alcohol and sacramental wine
Blood ClotVodka, tomato juice and Jell-O
Bloody AwfulVodka and ketchup
Blue MoonCorn whiskey and Aqua Velva
Coleman CoolerWhite wine, soda, fried chicken crumbs and sand
Fuzzy Naval BasePeach schnapps, orange juice and ammonia
George BushGeorge Dickel bourbon and Busch beer
GorbachevVodka with a splash of port wine
Honeydew the DishesMidori and Dawn
Marie AntoinetteBourbon, cake mix, and flat beer
MartinizerGin, vermouth and carbon tetrachloride
Mary PoppinsVodka, tomato juice and a spoonful of sugar
Mexican HairlessTequila and Minoxidil
Oil of OleMazola and Sangria
Peter, Paul, and MaryPotassium nitrate, Paul Masson wine and tomato juice
Phillips ScrewdriverVodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia
Port in a StormRed wine and rainwater
Quack DoctorCold duck and Dr. Pepper
A Rum with a ViewBacardi and Visine
Rum-Pole of the BaileyBacardi rum, Popov vodka and Baileys Irish Cream
Sake-to-meRice wine, punch and nitrous oxide
Scotch TapewormDewars and Mescal
ShipwreckCutty Sark on the rocks
Short WaveRipple in a shot glass, ginger, syrup and pomegranate
Sinead OConnorIrish whiskey and Nair
Skid RoeMuscatel and caviar
Sour KrautSchnapps and lemon juice
Sundae DriverVodka, orange juice and ice cream
Tequila MockingbirdJose Cuervo and birdseed

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They dont even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldnt be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that theyve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! ITS A WONDER WE HAVENT ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS … Im sorry … What did you ask me?

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said “No thanks, I dont drink, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” So the bartender said, “Well would you like a cigarette,” but the man said “No, I dont smoke, I tried it once but I didnt like it!” The bartender asked him if hed like to play a game of pool, and again the man said “No I dont like pool, I tried it once but I didnt like it. As a matter of fact I wouldnt be here at all, but Im waiting on my son!” The bartender said, “Your only son I presume!!”

Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women in the following subjects:

Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.

The undiscovered side of banking: Making deposits.

Parties: Going without new outfits.

Man management: Minor household chores can wait till after the game.

Bathroom etiquette i: Men need space in the bathroom cabinet too.

Bathroom etiquette ii: His razor is his.

Communication skills i: Tears – the last resort, not the first.

Communication skills ii: Thinking before speaking.

Communication skills iii: Getting what you want without nagging.

Driving a car safely: A skill you can acquire.

Telephone skills: How to hang up.

Advanced parking: Backing into a space.

Water retention: Fact or fat.

Cooking i: Bringing back bacon, eggs and butter.

Cooking ii: Bran and tofu are not for human consumption.

Cooking iii: How not to inflict your diets on other people.

Compliments: Accepting them gracefully.

PMS: Your problem… not his.

Dancing: Why men dont like to.

Classic clothing: Wearing outfits you already have.

Household dust: A harmless natural occurrence only women notice.

Integrating your laundry: Washing it all together.

Oil and gas: Your car needs both.

TV remotes: For men only.

Q. What happens when a forg parks illegaly?



A. It gets toad!

a blonde brunett and a redhead were all about to die. so first comes the brunett and the killers say ready aim and she yells earthquake so they all run and duck for cover she escapes.

so they all come back after they found out it was a false alarm. and now its the red heads turn ready aim and she yells tornado again they all run and duck for cover.

once they find out its a false alarm they come back. now its the blondes turn and they say ready aim and she screams fire.

Manlys Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra
or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were
both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided
he would fire the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over
after partying all night. She went to the cooler
to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: Debra,
Ive never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off. Could you jack off? she says. I
feel like shit.