Old and New Jokes

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself

When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.

The last guy replies. I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HES MOVING!!!!!

[From the Mens Health Magazine]

Meeters Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, thats sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label — he seems to be saying, Go on, eat me already. The second-best thing is the presence of both cooked mutton and mutton in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If youre really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, youll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (its stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat falling off the bone.
Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think its a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where eveyone happily consumes Vegemite?
Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the worlds most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the products titular robin isnt actually blind, hes blindfolded — the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
Kylmänen Reindeer Pate (Kylmänen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph the Reindeer was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santas sleigh team — he didnt want to end up a cracker spread.
Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing youve ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If youre the sort whos always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.

GENERAL

Any person with a valid state hunting and fishing license may harvest attorneys. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted The use of currency as bait is prohibited. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from all-terrain vehicles, helicopters, or aircraft. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of a BMW dealership.

It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, one hundred (100) dollar bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it : An attorney which demonstrates clear rogue behavior in public office is exempted from this restriction, unless said attorney occupies the office of President of the United States of America .

Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a State Health Department inspection for AIDS, rabies, or vermin. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of enticing, entrapping, ensnaring, or harvesting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

Variant Daily/Seasonal Limit

Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2/4
Two-faced Tort Feasor 1/3
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4/7
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3/7
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2/5
Honest Attorney Extinct (Sadly) Cut-throat 2/6
Weaseling Whiner 2/6
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2/6
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $500 Bounty/No Limit
Ruby-slippered Civil Libertarian 7/22
Rogue Politico Open Season/No Limit

A father said, Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!

So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair … hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

Oh! Im sorry, she said. I didnt mean to scare you away.

You didnt! he replied. Im going out to get you some jewelry!

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.

Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.

Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!

Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.

Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!

And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.

Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.

After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?

Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

The following supposedly a true story.

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said Because I dont believe you are over 21.

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didnt believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.