Old and New Jokes

Carsons Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.

Copied from Ann Landers Column:

Landers: Santas official visit has special Claus in military directives.

DEAR Ann Landers: I found this on the Internet and thought it was a hoot. I hope you will print it for Christmas. — Steve Online

Dear Steve: Although the Internet has attracted an amazing amount of garbage, it has also made a great deal of valuable information available to millions of people. Thanks for your charming contribution. Here it is:

This in from retired Air Force Brig. Gen. Bob Clements. Please read.

To: All Retired Military Personnel

Subject: Official Command Visit

This office has been informed of an official visit by Gen. Santa Claus to this base on 25 December. The following directives will govern activities of personnel during this visit:

No creatures will stir without official permission. This will include all native mice. Special stirring permits will be obtained through the orderly room.

Personnel will settle their brains for a long winter nap prior to 220 hours. Uniform for nap: pajamas, cotton, light drowsing, with kerchief, general purpose.

Personnel will utilize standard ration sugarplums to dance through their heads. This item may be picked up in the orderly room.

Stockings, wool, cushion sole, will be hung by chimneys with care. Necessary safety precautions will be taken to avoid fires. Individual sections will submit stocking-hanging plans to Capt. Kringle by 0800 hours, 22 December.

At first sign of clatter from lawn, all personnel will spring from their beds to investigate and evaluate cause. Immediate action will be taken to tear open shutters and throw open window sashes.

Volunteers are needed to drive one sleigh, miniature, and eight (8) deer, rein, tiny, for use of Gen. Claus. Driver must have current roof-top license.

Gen. Claus will enter all sections through chimneys. Sections without chimneys will draw a Chimney Simulator from Link Services for use during ceremonies. Requests must be submitted in triplicate prior to 20 December.

All personnel will be rehearsed in shouting Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. This shout will be given upon termination of Gen. Claus visit. Uniformity of shouting is the responsibility of all section chiefs.

(signed) Ebenezer Scrooge, Colonel, USAF, Commander

(c) Creators Syndicate

A pickle, A cucumber, and a (member) were all sitting around discussing how bad their days were. The cucumber said I had the worst day ever my boss tried to pickle me. Oh yeah said the pickle my boss tried to eat me. I have all you guys beat said the (member), my owner stuck a bag over my head put me in a dark cave and made me do pushups till I threw up.

If youve got melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it far too slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge off your appetite and youll eat less.
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Dont they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
Put eat chocolate at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isnt that handy?
If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?

Heres a handy list to print out and carry with you at all times. Next time ya rip one and someone asks, what was that?, you can now explain!

Silent But Deadly (SBD) Fart The type that remains totally inaudible, yet somehow causes all the occupants of a room to collapse. Can smell like anything, nasal investigators rarely have time to distinguish an odour.

Eggy Fart Smells very much like rotten eggs (or Hydrogen Sulphide). A powerful odor which tends to put people off lunch. Often rips out in the fashion of a Bunbuster.

Windy Fart The sort of fart which goes Whoosh, and is more felt than heard. A little like an SBD, but louder and considerably less toxic.

Growling Fart Happens deep within the rectum (and therefore has no smell). Somehow never meets the light of day. Tends to growl like a dog at the vets.

Worrying Fart The kind which seems to be a fart right up to the point at which you release it. At this stage matters become less sure, as it feels too solid for comfort. You go to the bathroom and check your underpants at the next possible opportunity.

Prelude To A Poopie You feel like you have got a large beefy one, but out comes a tiny squeaker fart, and the head of something massive. You tense your buttocks fast, lest you give birth to the brown equivalent of a zeppelin.

Compost Fart You know the compost heap that a gardener keeps at the bottom of the garden? Well if you jump on it you will have some idea of what a compost fart sounds and smells like. Do not attempt this one while you have company.

Beefy One Sounds loud, and butch eg. BRAAAAMMPPP!. Will smell a bit like the rotting offspring of a B.S.E infected cow and a dogturd.

Present (a.k.a Time I Wasnt Here Fart) The type of fart which seems harmless, but then brings a small poopie as a housewarming gift. You shuffle off to the toilet, and thank God you werent in a business meeting when it happened. If you were in a business meeting of course, youre screwed.

Squeaky Fart Sounds like Wheeek. Normally smells foul.

Bunbuster Fart BRAAA! Sounds like a Beefy one, except much more sudden and much much more powerful. Generally smells eggy or beefy. Leaves your asshole smarting. You really feel these babies.

Trouser Ripping Special Sends seismic ripples to the next city. Rips the back of your pants. This fart genuinely hurts, and you can still feel it 20 minutes later. Anyone sitting nearby at the time will suffer hearing loss.

Escape Pod Fart You think you got away with this one. You forced it out as silently as possible, and nobody heard. You take deep sniffs through your nose, as discreetly as possible. You smell nothing but your deodorant. Then 30 seconds later, as if released from a stasis field, everyone starts to cough and splutter. You point to the person next to you and try to look innocent.

Brewer Fart You try to push a brewer fart the last furlong, but it stays firmly lodged deep within your bowels. You come to the conclusion that it is some form of gaseous landmark.

Sphinctal Napalm Tends to occur a few hours after a hot curry. Nevermind the smell, worry about the burning sensation and the nasty stain you know it must have left.

Stalker Fart Occurs when you leave the room to politely fart elsewhere, and save people the trouble of breathing your flatulent devils breath. You go back into the room, but LO! The foul nasal bombardment has followed you, and you are duly criticised for poor manners.

Burble Fart Bubbly!

On The Spot Fart You didnt even know it was there, but suddenly Brrmp.

Not Now! (a.k.a Anal Control Fart) You feel the presence of a mighty fart, and are unable to release it due to your situation. Happens on first dates, at important meetings, and on other such inexcusable occasions. You clench your buttocks together so hard that you nearly give yourself a stroke, and wait for the pressure to subside. Success depends on a number of factors, but Sods law tends to win out in the end.

Hydrated Flatulation (a.k.a Wet Fart) The original wet fart, which leaves a mark on your pants, and gives you a cold wet sticky sensation when you walk. You might not like this little bugger, but you feel right at home with it.

GNL Fart Gambled n lost. You take a gamble that its going to be a fart and stay where you are, but realize tragically that this is much more than a fart…

Underwater Fart Often done in the bath, or while swimming. Sounds like the engine of a nuclear sub. Can be smelt on rising to the surface, and experienced windbreakers will often catch the fart in an upturned jam jar, in order to set light to them.

Gunshot Fart Gunshot farts sound just like a gunshot. They are exceedingly rare. In fact they are so rare that most people dont know they even exist. One report continues: I have only witnessed one gunshot fart myself, my own, and almost scared the poop out of my girlfriend who was lying asleep beside me at the time. She thought it was a gunshot, and it was so named. A few others have refered to these rare creatures, so proving their existance.

Tandem Fart Tandem Farts are the worst smelling and longest lasting farts ever to be recorded. They are so named since they are the only fart that is detectable by the nose on a Tandem bicycle (bicycle built for two) as it is being pedaled. A tandem fart occurs when the captain of the bike farts and the stoker smells it. As you can imagine, the fart most be extremely strong to compete with the wind and to get to the stokers nose. Extremely disgusting farts off of a tandem are sometimes called Tandem farts, but they can never be confirmed as true Tandem.

This is an old joke that has been heard around the Pentagon for some years, now.

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they dont speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to secure a building, they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three year lease with an option to buy.

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

By Jesus, said Paddy, will you look at how fookin short that runway is.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see, said Paddy.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you put the flaps down straight away, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.

Gerry looked out the side window and replied, Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.

67 razones por las que es mejor ser hombre:

1. Las conversaciones telefónicas duran 30 segundos.

2. En las películas los desnudos son casi siempre femeninos.

3. Sabes cosas sobre autos y mecánica.

4. Vacaciones de 5 días requieren solo una maleta.

5. Fútbol los domingos.

6. No tienes que monitorear la vida sexual de tus amigos.

7. Las colas al baño son 80 por ciento menores.

8. A los viejos amigos no les importa si subiste o bajaste de peso.

9. En las peluquerías no te afanan.

10. Tu trasero no es un factor en entrevistas de trabajo.

11. Todos tus orgasmos son reales.

12. Una panza de cerveza no te hace invisible al otro sexo.

13. Locos con máscaras de hockey no te atacan en la calle.

14. No tienes que llevar una cartera llena de pendejadas a todas partes.

15. No tienes que taparte si subes una escalera en un lugar público.

16. Puedes ir al baño sin ir en grupo.

17. Tu apellido se queda.

18. Puedes dejar la cama de un hotel sin tender.

19. Cuando tu trabajo es criticado no piensas que todos te odian.

20. El garaje es todo tuyo.

21. Te dan más crédito por el menor acto de inteligencia.

22. Ves el matrimonio con humor.

23. Nunca tienes que limpiar el inodoro.

24. Puedes estar bañado y listo en 10 minutos.

25. En el sexo nunca tienes que preocuparte por tu reputación.

26. Si alguien olvida invitarte a su casa, todavía es tu amigo.

27. Tu ropa interior cuesta $10.000 (un paquete de tres).

28. Ningún colega de trabajo tiene la capacidad de hacerte llorar.

29. No tienes que afeitarte del cuello para abajo.

30. Si tienes 34 años y eres soltero a nadie le importa.

31. Puedes escribir tu nombre cuando meas.

32. Puedes meterte en un campeonato de mear.

33. Todo en tu cara se queda del mismo color.

34. No tienes que preocuparte por los sentimientos de otras personas.

35. Piensas sobre sexo el 90 por ciento de veces cuando te despiertas.

36. Tres pares de zapatos es más que suficiente.

37. Puedes comer una banana en un lugar público tranquilamente.

38. Puedes decir lo que piensas.

39. Jugar antes del sexo es opcional, es tu decisión.

40. Luis Miguel, Diego Torres, Ricky Martin y demás no existen en tu universo.

41. Nadie para de contar un buen chiste verde si entras al cuarto.

42. Te puedes quitar la camiseta cuando hace calor.

43. No tienes que limpiar tu apartamento cada vez que entra alguien.

44. Los mecánicos no te mienten.

45. Te importa un carajo que se den cuenta de tu nuevo corte de pelo.

46. Puedes ver televisión con un amigo, en total silencio por horas, sin pensar debe estar enojado conmigo.

47. Puedes saltar sin que nadie te mire al pecho.

48. Cera caliente nunca se acerca a tu zona privada.

49. Tienes un solo estado de ánimo, todo el tiempo.

50. Puedes sentarte con las piernas abiertas.

51. Pelo gris y arrugas son madurez, no vejez.

52. Si retienes agua, es en una cantimplora.

53. El control remoto es solo tuyo.

54. La gente nunca echa miraditas a tu pecho cuando le hablas.

55. Puedes pasar a visitar un amigo sin tener que llevarles un regalo.

56. Puedes comprar condones sin que el cajero te imagine desnudo.

57. No tienes que decir que te vas a refrescar para ir al baño.

58. Si no llamas a un amigo cuando dijiste que lo ibas a llamar, este no le va a decir a los amigos que has cambiado mucho.

59. Algún día, puedes llegar a ser un viejo verde.

60. Puedes solucionar cualquier problema con la frase ¡A la mierda!.

61. Si alguien aparece en una fiesta con tu misma pinta, puedes llegar a hacerte su amigo.

62. Nunca te pierdes una experiencia sexual porque no estás de ánimo.

63. Los zapatos nuevos no le hacen daño a tus pies.

64. Las películas porno están diseñadas para ti.

65. No tienes que recordar fechas de cumpleaños y aniversarios.

66. Que no te caiga bien alguien, no impide tener buen sexo con ella.

67. Con 400 millones de espermatozoides por tiro, podrías doblar la población de la tierra… ¡al menos en teoría!

Q: Why do women like 77 better than 69?

A: Because its eight more

There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater.

They attempted to rob a bank but got caught.

They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair.

The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.

The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.

The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.

The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words.

I think if you plug the chair in, itll work better.