Old and New Jokes

A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are in a train.

The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
glass, drinks it, and says: In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away…
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
nowhere in the world are there such good cigars and we have so many
of them, that we can just throw them away… Saying that, he throws the pack
of Havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.

At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
lawyer through it…

Felix
(felix@ai.sri.com)

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,

Were having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive.

The four open the door and look out below.

The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, God Save The Queen, and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, Viva La France, and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, Remember the Alamo, and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

Oops. Has anyone seen my watch? That was some party last night. I cant remember WHEN Ive been that drunk!

5 jews and a car go over a cliff why is this a problem?

3 mor could have fit in the car

1. According to Movie Life magazine, Ann-Margaret would like to start having babies soon, but her husband wants her to wait a while. Why?

   PAUL LYNDE: Hes out of town.

2. Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie Whats The Matter With Helen? Who plays Helen?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: Dennis Weaver-thats why they asked the question.

3. What are dual-purpose cattle good for that other cattle arent?

   PAUL LYNDE: They give milk … and cookies, but I dont recommend the cookies.

4. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?

   PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

5. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: Ill lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

6. Robert Young recently stated, I never, never give … something to his fans who ask for it. What?

   PAUL LYNDE: A hysterectomy.

7. James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was one of the best things I ever did. What was it?

   MARTY ALLEN: Rhonda Fleming.

8. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

   CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

9. Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?

   PAUL LYNDE: An engagement ring.

10. According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?

    CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

11. When the Lone Ranger finished with a case, he left something behind. What?

    PAUL LYNDE: A masked baby.

12. True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.

    CHARLEY WEAVER:This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

13. Youre on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?

    PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

14. If youre going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?

    CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

15. Do female frogs croak?

    PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

16. Youve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?

    DON KNOTTS: Thats whats been keeping me awake.

17. Is there any such thing as an F cup in bra sizes?

    PAUL LYNDE: Yes, it sleeps four.

18. True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.

    PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

19. According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

    PAUL LYNDE: No. You should dress warmly.

20. According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?

    PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

One day President Clinton was on an airplane with a Jew and a Russian. The plane started dropping. President Clinton took a bomb and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Jew took a bottle of wine and threw it out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

The Russian took the Jew and threw him out the window. We have too many of these in our country, he said.

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up.

A man had a watch that didnt work. He ask his friend to tell what is wrong. The friend say Its because the watch is on your right hand.

The man puts the watch on his left hand and says Oh there we go!

In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar.

Since then, weddings have been held there, and times havent changed at all!

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, I dont mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?
St. Peter replied, Well, Ive added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!