Old and New Jokes

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: You know, one of these days the passengers arent going to scream, and we arent going to know when to take off!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, Where is God?

They boys mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, Where is God? Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face and bellowed, WHERE IS GOD!?

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, What happened?

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, We are in BIG trouble this time, dude… God is missing–and they think WE did it!

A man walks into a pub with an ostrich to his left and a cat on his right. He orders a pint of beer for himself, the ostrich and the cat.

The cat shouts Im not paying for this round, Im not paying and they all go to sit down to drink their beer.

When theyre finished the same thing happens, the man goes for another pint each and the cat shouts Im not paying for this round either, you hear? Im not paying!

The bartender, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, asks the man Whats going on here with the ostrich and the cat?

The man replies I dunno, something went wrong somewhere. I was outside the pub when a genie came up to me and granted me a wish… I asked for a big bird with a tight pussy.

Theres this blonde driving down the road in her brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 Lamborghini. Shes cruisin about 95, radio blaring, having a great time. She comes up on this trucker who is carrying a double-wide home and is taking up both lanes. To her disliking, he is only going about 45. To get the point across that she wants to get past, she decides to tailgate him. So, she gets to within a foot of his rear bumper.



The trucker looks back and sees her on his butt, and motions for her to get off of it, but to her it looks like a wave and she waves back. Since her first attempt was futile, she decided to get a little closer and begin flashing her headlights, hopefully making herself more visible in the process. Once again the trucker sees her on his butt, and this time motions for her to pull over to the side of the road.



The trucker steps out of his vehicle with a chunk of chalk and draws a circle three feet in diameter in the middle of the road. He instructs her not to move until he tells her to. Naive as she was, she agrees to it and steps inside it. The trucker goes back to his truck and pulls out a 50-ounce Louisville Slugger. He walks over to the Lamborghini and beats it, and beats it, and beats it again. When he is done, all that is left is a brand new, candy-apple red, $125,000 pile of metal. Satisfied, he throws the bat in his truck and walks over to the blonde. When he gets there, to his astonishment, she is rolling around on the street laughing hysterically.



He asks her, Why are you laughing? I just beat the crap out of your car! She is laughing too hard to respond, but between giggles he can make out, While you werent looking I stepped out of the circle!

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, Have you done your chores yet?
No, replies the boy, but could I have breakfast first?

You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs.

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, Wheres my eggs, my milk and my sausage?

Well, says his mother, I saw you kick a chicken, so now you dont get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you dont get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you dont get any sausage.

Just then, the boys father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, Should I tell him now, or do you want to?

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

God didnt create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.

The world does not revolve on an axis.

He got the sack.

Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and looked around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.

The first one says Earthling take me to your leader! He gets no response.

The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. Earthling, I said Take me to your leader! Still no response.

The first Alien then turns to the second and says If this Earthling doesnt show me some respect Im going to blast him!

The second Alien replies O.K. but, Im just going to stand down on the next block.

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. Earthling take me to your leader! No response.

The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump.

After the explosion the Alien gets up dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy. He then says to the second Alien If you knew that was going to happen why didnt you warn me?

The second replies I didnt know what was going to happen, but Im not going to mess with anyone whos dick can hang to the ground, wrap around his body twice, and still stick it in his ear!