Old and New Jokes

A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.

The baby looked up at him and said, Are you my father?

The doctor said, No, I am the doctor that delivered you. Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.

While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, Are you my father?

The nurse said, No, I am just the nurse. Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.

The baby looked at him and said, Are you my father?

The new father said proudly, Yes! I am your father.

Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, So how do YOU like it?!

Dear Abby: I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancees mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Abby, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their little test was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

You might be a redneck if…
Your back porch is bigger than your house.

Two guys were walking down the sidewalk in their neighborhood, and one turned to the other and asked Did you hear about the new girl who moved into the old King house?

No replied the other guy is she pretty?

She like a brickhouse! answered the guy, and every brick is in the right place!

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

But I paid, dont you remember? says the customer.

Okay, says the bartender, If you said you paid, you did.

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender cant keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, If you say you paid, Ill take your word for it.

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.

Dont bother me with your troubles, the final patron responds. Just give me my change and Ill be on my way.

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!

And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…
as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

a supposedly true story from:

Bermant, G. (1976). Sexual behavior: Hard times with the Coolidge
Effect. In M. H. Siegel & H. P. Zeigler (Eds.), /Psychological
Research: The inside story/ (pp. 76-103). New York: Harper & Row.

One day the President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a government
farm. Soon after their arrival they were taken off on separate tours.
When Mrs. Coolidge passed the chicken pens she paused to ask the man in
charge if the rooster copulates more than once each day. Dozens of
times, was the reply. Please tell that to the President, Mrs.
Coolidge requested.

When the President passed the pens and was told about the
roosters, he asked, Same hen every time? Oh no, Mr.
President, a different one each time. The President nodded
slowly, then said, Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.

You might be a redneck if…
You think a Volvo is part of a womans anatomy.

Rere are some new state slogans… Enjoy!

AlabamaYes, We Have Electricity
Alaska11,623 Eskimos Cant Be Wrong!
ArizonaBut Its A Dry Heat
ArkansasLiteracy Aint Everything
CaliforniaBy 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
ColoradoIf You Dont Ski, Dont Bother
ConnecticutLike Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Dont Own It Yet
DelawareWe Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
FloridaAsk Us About Our Grandkids
GeorgiaWe Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism
HawaiiHaka Tiki Mou Shaami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
IdahoMore Than Just Potatoes … Well Okay, Were Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
IllinoisPlease Dont Pronounce the S
Indiana2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
IowaWe Do Amazing Things With Corn
KansasFirst Of The Rectangle States
KentuckyFive Million People; Fifteen Last Names
LouisianaWere Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But Thats Our Tourism Campaign
MaineWere Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
MarylandIf You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
MassachusettsOur Taxes Are Lower Than Swedens (For Most Tax Brackets)
MichiganFirst Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota10,000 Lakes … And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
MississippiCome And Feel Better About Your Own State
MissouriYour Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
MontanaLand Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies And Very Little Else
NebraskaAsk About Our State Motto Contest
NevadaWhores and Poker!
New HampshireGo Away And Leave Us Alone
New JerseyYou Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New MexicoLizards Make Excellent Pets
New YorkYou Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney …
North CarolinaTobacco Is A Vegetable
North DakotaWe Really Are One Of The 50 States!
OhioAt Least Were Not Michigan
OklahomaLike The Play, Only No Singing
OregonSpotted Owl … Its Whats For Dinner
PennsylvaniaCook With Coal
Rhode IslandWere Not REALLY An Island
South CarolinaRemember The Civil War? We Didnt Actually Surrender
South DakotaCloser Than North Dakota
TennesseeThe Educashun State
TexasSi, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)
UtahOur Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
VermontYep
VirginiaWho Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Dont Mix?
WashingtonHelp! Were Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
Washington, D.C.Wanna Be Mayor?
West VirginiaOne Big Happy Family … Really!
WisconsinCome Cut The Cheese
WyomingWhere Men Are Men … and the sheep are scared!!!

(Forwarded by an American friend of Italian descent).

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Brooklyn version of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside New York. If you have one of the Brooklyn editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Brooklyn edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen.
It reads WINDAS 98 with a background picture of the East River with a floating body. It is shipped with a NYPD BLUE screensaver.
Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Garbitch
My Computer is called My Freakin Computer,
Dialup Networking is called Good Fellas,
Control Panel is known as the da Tote Board,
Hard Drive is referred to as da trunk, and …
Floppies are them little Freakin plastic disc tings.
Instead of an error message you get a winda covered with steel bars and Grafitti.

OTHER FEATURES:

WINDOWS 98WINDAS 98
OKdo it I tell ya
Cancelhell no
Resetdis is ya last chance
Yesa kay
Nona
Findturn dis place ova
Insertstick it in dere
Deleterub it out
Helpcan I get some help here
Stopya betta quit it
Startlets get a move on
Settingsda Fix
Programsstuff
Documentsstuff dat I already done

Also note that windas 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to windas 98:

WINDAS 98WINDOWS 98
SecritaryA word processor
Pitcha makera Graphics program
Numberscalculator
Scratch papernotepad
Boom-boxCD player
Da WebMicrosoft Explorer
pitchasA graphics viewer
IRSM/S accounting software
IRS2M/S accounting software with hidden files
BookieRace track records tax records – usually an empty file
graffitiscreen saver
Red Light DistrictInternet connection
VinnisDiscount computer repairs

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the Brooklyn edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.