SHARING A DONKEY
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was
riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.
Later, they passed some people who remarked, What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story; If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye.
Y2K Ballad
(sing to the tune of Gilligans Island)
Just sit right back and youll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date
Two digits for a date
RAM memory was smaller then;
Hard drives were tiny, too.
Four digits are extravagant,
So lets get by with two.
So lets get by with two.
This works through 1999,
The programmers did say.
Unless we write new code by then
The data goes away.
The data goes away.
But management had not a clue;
It works fine now, you bet!
Rewriting code cost money,
We wont do it just yet.
We wont do it just yet.
Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero less then ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.
The mail wont bring your pension check;
It wont be sent to you
When youre no longer sixty-eight
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.
The problems were about to face
Are frightening, for sure.
And reading every line of codes
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.
[[ key change, the big finish coming]]
Theres not much time, theres too much code,
And COBOL-coders, few.
When the century is finished,
We may be finished, too.
A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, Honey, Do you remember this?
He looks up at her and says, Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.
She says, Yes, thats right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?
He nods and says, Yes dear, I still remember.
Well, what was it? she asks.
He responds, Well honey, as I remember, I said, Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, Im going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out!
She giggles and says, Yes honey, thats it. Thats exactly what you said. So, now its 50 years later, Im in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, Mission Accomplished.
A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man in a field down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says, Yes, youre in a hot air balloon, about 30 feet above this field.
You must be an engineer, says the balloonist.
I am. How did you know?
Everything you told me is technically correct, but its of no use to anyone.
The man below says, You must be in management.
I am. But how did you know?
You dont know where you are, or where youre going, but you expect me to be able to help. Youre in the same position you were before we met, but now its my fault.
There was this guy who was on airplane, he had to go to the bathroom really bad.. Well everytime he would go to the bathroom someone was always in it.So he finally asked the flight attendant if he could use the ladies room.
She said, well sir Im not sure if that would be a good idea,you see there are buttons in there.
He says ,Oh please please I really have to go and I promise I wont push any buttons.
So she tells him go ahead,just dont push any buttons. So he goes in there hes sitting on the toilet doing his duty. Well he looks over and sees three buttons. One is yellow,one is red and one is green. He pushes the yellow button and out comes water and sprays his behind.He thinks wow that felt good, Ill press the red button.So he pushes the red button and out comes a powder puff and dries him off and powders him.So then he pushes the green button.. He passes out and wakes up in hospital. He looks up at the flight attendant and she says you pushed the green button didnt you?
He knods.. He said What happened? She said The green button was an Automatic Tampon Remover,your dick is laying under your pillow
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave, how ya doin?
His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before. Oh no, says Dave. Hes on my bowling team.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.
No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.
A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?
Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.!
Gay rights.
If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime… does anyone care?
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say,
oh geez, better get cracking, and do some gibberish work. Turn it in
a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming, Andre, Andre, Ive got the
secret documents!!
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative.
Use the intregral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructors left
nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your
answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, Im SOOO
sure you can hear me thinking. Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say
to the instructor, I dont understand ANY of this. Ive been to every
lecture all semester long! Whats the deal? And who the hell are you?
Wheres the regular guy?
8. Bring a Game Boy and play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every
question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds
that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say, Theyve found me, I have to leave
the country, and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very
small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out, Merry Christmas.
If youre really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost
the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head,
and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turets Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you dont know one, make one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping
your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them
stay, and be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of
the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another
seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it
is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE,
etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers
completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently,
scream out Fuck this! and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor
that whether or not everyones done, they are all leaving after one hour
to go drink).
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during
the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell
him/her in a very derogatory tone, the light bulb that goes on above my
head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a
white mask and start yelling, Im here, the phantom of the opera until
they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you
belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your
right to take the exam.
The list continues below
Click Here!
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say, you
dont really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives
is on!!!
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the
instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave
one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River
Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could
possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If
it is a written exam, relate everything you your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knights outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious…like
history notes for a calculus exam…otherwise youre not just failing,
youre getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the
comment, Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question,
and ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do
before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray
to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. sent to you
every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you–desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90
degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked
to stop, say, it helps me think. Bring a copy of the Student Handbook
with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical
instruments during finals. Dont forget to us the phrase, Told you so.
50. Answer the exam with the Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks.
One elderly couple is visiting another for supper. The two women go into the kitchen for a moment, leaving the men to talk.
One of the men says to the other, The Mrs. and I went to the nicest restaurant last night.
Is that right? the other inquires, What was it called?
Thats just it, he replies I cant recall. Say, whats the name of that red flower that has thorns all over it?
A rose? he responds.
YEAH, THATS IT! he says energetically.
He then whirls around and yells into the kitchen, Hey, Rose! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night!?