How many librarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dont know, but I can look it up for you.
21
Feb
21
Feb
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices
a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says, SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE
OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees
another sign which says, SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5
MILES, and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives
past a third sign saying, SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT
RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the
drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a
small sign next to the door reading, SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the
steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black
habit who asks, What may we do for you, my son? He answers, I saw your
signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.
Very well, my son. Please follow me.
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, Please knock on this
door. He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in
a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs Please place
$50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway. He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second
nuns cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds
himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE,
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
21
Feb
Why Beer is Better than Women
1. YOU CAN ENJOY A BEER ALL MONTH LONG.
2. BEER STAINS WASH OUT.
3. YOU DONT HAVE TO WINE AND DINE BEER.
4. YOUR BEER WILL ALWAYS WAIT PATIENTLY FOR YOU IN THE CAR WHILE YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.
5. WHEN YOUR BEER GOES FLAT, YOU TOSS IT OUT.
6. BEER IS NEVER LATE.
7. A BEER DOESNT GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER.
8. HANGOVERS GO AWAY.
9. BEER LABELS COME OFF WITHOUT A FIGHT.
10. WHEN YOU GO TO A BAR, YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS PICK UP A BEER.
11. BEER NEVER HAS A HEADACHE.
12. YOU DONT HAVE TO DRIVE A BEER HOME IN THE MORNING.
13. A BEER WONT GET UPSET IF YOU COME HOME WITH ANOTHER BEER.
14. IF YOU POUR A BEER RIGHT, YOULL ALWAYS GET GOOD HEAD.
15. A BEER ALWAYS GOES DOWN EASY.
16. YOU CAN HAVE MORE THAN ONE BEER IN A NIGHT AND NOT FEEL GUILTY.
17. YOU CAN SHARE A BEER WITH YOUR FRIENDS.
18. YOU ALWAYS KNOW YOURE THE FIRST ONE TO POP A BEER.
19. BEER IS ALWAYS WET.
20. BEER DOESNT DEMAND EQUALITY.
21. YOU CAN HAVE A BEER IN PUBLIC.
22. A BEER DOESNT CARE WHEN YOU COME.
23. A FRIGID BEER IS A GOOD BEER.
24. YOU DONT HAVE TO WASH A BEER BEFORE IT TASTES GOOD.
25. IF YOU CHANGE BEERS YOU DONT HAVE TO PAY ALIMONY.
21
Feb
This year The Frumious Bandersnatch highlights some of the more arcane or utterly worthless things you can give as a Christmas gift:
PHOTO PANTIES:
Have your picture silk screened onto your girlfriends panties for only $19.95. You can imagine all the creative purposes this can be put to.
YOU DONT KNOW JACK II:
The new edition of this game is designed for know-it-alls and includes questions about subjects such as the difference between Visigoths and Ostergoths that are sure to stump them.
FREE BAJA ARIZONA BUMPER STICKERS:
We still have a supply of our non-waterproof bumper stickers that melt away at the first drop of rain. Good for use only in extremely arid regions.
WAX BULLETS:
Perfect for shooting insects inside your house, our wax bullets come in 22 and 38 caliber sizes.
LIVE TUMBLEWEEDS:
Decorate your house in Southwestern style with our live tumbleweeds. Only $44.00.
MARS LANDERS:
NASA is offering its surplus Mars Landers for only $37 million each. Guaranteed to vanish into interstellar space if launched.
VARIOUS ICBMs:
The Russian Strategic Rocket Forces is offering up to 32,000 intercontinental ballistic missiles for sale at bargain basement prices if purchased before December 31st. None are Y2K1 compliant. (them Russkys … always a year late!)
STUFFED PYGMY OWLS:
The Tucson Homebuilders Association has stuffed pygmy owls for sale. The endangered owls, which have shut down the home-building industry in that city, are great for use in stopping growth in your community. Complete with taped mating calls.
RAIN SOUNDS:
Great for drought-ridden areas, our CD is rain falling on the roof will allow you to pretend your local water supply will not vanish.
MONICA MASKS:
We still have a supply of Monica Lewinsky masks left over from Halloween. Great for scaring your boss.
GDU DIPLOMAS:
Our offer of free General Delivery University college diplomas is about to expire one of these years.
(c) Baja Arizona Publishing Company
Frumious Bandersnatch
21
Feb
Whats the definition of mixed emotions?
— When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Whats the height of conceit?
— Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Whats the definition of macho?
— Jogging home from your own vasectomy
Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
— One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.
Why dont blind people like to sky dive?
— Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
How do you double the value of a Yugo?
— You fill it with gas.
What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
— Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
Have you heard George Michaels new song?
— Its called Zip Me Up Before You Go Go
I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
— The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
— Anyone can roast beef.
What is forty feet long and has eight teeth?
— The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Whats the difference between a lawyer and God?
— God doesnt think hes a lawyer.
Whats the weather like in Tahoe?
— Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree.
21
Feb
E.T. Phoned home
21
Feb
I heard this on the radio station Q-102, Des Moines, this morning:
Two women are playing golf when one of them asks the other,
Do you and your husband have mutual climax?
The other woman replies,
No, I think we have State Farm.
20
Feb
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Oewn!
Owen who?
Owen you open this door, Im going to give you such a roasting!
20
Feb
Dos polÃticos entran en un bar y el camarero les dice:
Eh, ¿vosotros sabéis que es lo que tiene 4 piernas y apesta?
No.
Vosotros dos.
¡Ja, ja, ja! Qué bueno, oye, vamos a contárselo a esos dos.
Se acercan a una mesa y les dicen a los que están sentados:
¿Vosotros sabéis que es lo que tiene cuatro piernas y apesta?
No.
¡Pues nosotros, hombre!
20
Feb
Un recomendado de Valladolid se incorpora a una factorÃa sevillana.
El jefe de personal que le recibe, no está de muy buen humor, -pues pretendÃa enchufar a su sobrino en ese puesto-, pero acata la decisión del gerente; y tras un frio saludo, le dice:
A vé, vamoz a reshená er ezpediente. ¿Zu nombre…?
Vicente responde, un poco intimidado por el tono rudo del andalú.
¿Edá…?
Veintiuno.
¿De onde é uzté…?, pregunta el entrevistador.
Y el nuevo fichaje hincha pecho y exclama orgulloso:
¡Pucelano!
El jefe de personal le mira de reojo y replica:
Le he preguntao de onde é uzte… no le pedÃo que me ezplique como conziguió er trabaho.