Old and New Jokes

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, Look … twins!

— Rodney Dangerfield

31. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CANT HEEEEEEAR YOU!

32. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

33. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

34. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

35. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

36. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

37. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

38. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about that bug I picked up in the field.

39. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lectures over when the bottles done.

40. Growl constantly and address students as matey.

My parents were so poor they got married for the rice.

There once was an old man from Trent, Whose penis was crooked and bent, And so to save trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming, he went!

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, Who killed Jesus Christ?

The Jewish man answered without hesitation The Romans killed him. The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied Jesus was killed by the Jews. Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, Could I have some time to think about it? The chief said, OK, but get back to me tommorrow.

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked How did The interview go? He replied, Great, I got the job, and Im already investigating a murder!

Ground beef.

Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to change a futurologist?
A: About 6,000,000. You pack them together under high pressure and drop the result from 100 meters on his head. Even if he can predict it to happen he cannot change it, right?

One night a father sent his kid to bed.

Five minutes later the boy screamed,
Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!

No. You had your chance, said the father.

A minute later the boy screamed,
Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?

No. You had your chance.
The next time you ask, Im going to come up there and give you a good spanking! said the Dad.

Two minutes later the boy screamed,
Dad! When you come up to spank me
can you bring me a glass or water?

– Yo mamas so hairy, they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.

– Yo mamas so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.

– Yo mamas so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.

– Yo mamas so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.

– Yo mamas so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.

– Yo mamas so hairy, when she spreads her legs ,the first thing that comes to my mind is Were going to Bush Gardens.

Great minds run in great circles.