An Israeli man goes to his doctor for a problem he is having. After the doctor examines him, the doctor says:
There are two different opinions on how best to treat you. Im convinced you need a triple bypass heart operation. However, Kupat Holim policy says that all you need to do is rub this tube of salve, which costs 14 shekels, on your chest.
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that theyre physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. Want anything while Im in the kitchen? he asks.
Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?
Sure.
Dont you think you should write it down so you can remember it? she asks.
No, I can remember it.
Well, Id like some strawberries on top,too. Maybe you should write it down, sos not to forget it?
He says, I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.
Id also like whipped cream. Im certain youll forget that, write it down? she asks.
Irritated, he says, I dont need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake! Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment.
Wheres my toast?
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
You arent so good in bed either! he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided hed better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
What took you so long to answer? I was in bed.
What were you doing in bed this late? Getting a second opinion!
A prominent biogeneticist is conducting advanced research on the similarities between primates and humans. After a decade of preparation, he is now ready for his most daring experiment to date: the mating of a human with a gorilla.
Having spent years searching for the proper gorilla, he finally selects a supple simian from the San Diego Zoo. Finding the human partner, however, will be more difficult. First, he designs an extensive and detailed forty-page questionnaire. Next, he places a classified ad in the New York Review of Books: Wanted: Single White male, between 25 and 27 years of age, with a Masters degree, non-smoker, who loves Mozart, animals and long walks on the beach, to impregnate a female gorilla. Stipend: $300.
To his delight, the researcher receives over two hundred letters, and promptly sends a copy of the questionnaire to each of the respondents. Over 90 percent of the questionnaires are returned, but only one applicant fulfills all the requirements.
An interview is arranged, and the applicant arrives to meet with the researcher. They talk for three hours, and the researcher finally says, Im thrilled to have found you. Youre exactly the man Ive been looking for. Are you free to begin on Monday?
Just a minute, says the young man. Youve asked me a lot of questions, but before we go any further, I have a few requirements of my own. First, therell be no kissing on the lips. Second, any offspring from this union must be raised in my own faith. And, finally, could you give me a couple of weeks to scrape up the three hundred bucks?
The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.
Uh huh, said the old man.
We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon, said the old woman.
Uh huh, said the old man.
And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon, said the old woman.
Thats right, said the old man, except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, Its too big, its too big!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Listz!
Listz who?
Listz of ingredients!
Un jesuita lleva 20 años conviviendo con una tribu de negros. Un dÃa el jefe de la tribu entra en la cabaña del misionero y le dice:
Padre, explÃqueme usted, cómo en esta tribu de negros ha nacido un niño blanco.
El misionero le hecha cara al asunto y le dice:
Mira, hijo mÃo, esto es un fenomeno de la naturaleza que se llama albinismo: de cada 10,000 niños sale uno completamente blanco que se llama albino. Te lo voy a demostrar. (Salen de la cabaña y el misionero apunta a un rebaño de ovejas).
¿Ves todas aquellas ovejas blancas? Pues fÃjate que hay una negra. Esa es la albina en este caso.
El jefe de la tribu se queda pensativo y le dice:
De acuerdo padre, yo no digo nada y usted tampoco.
Estaba Pepito con unos amigos en la alberca de un hotel cuando de pronto un mariquita que estaba en el trampolÃn a punto de tirarse al agua, comenzó a llamar a uno de los amigos de Pepito que ya estaba en la dentro del agua:
¿Oye tosco, cómo está el agua?
Como ninguno le hizo caso; da unos pasitos para adelante y para atrás y volvió a gritar ¿oye tosco como esta el agua?
Nadie lo miró ni le hizo caso.
Volvió a dar los pasitos para adelante y para atrás y volvió gritar pero mas fuerte: ¿oye tosco como está el agua?
Esta vez Pepito, que ya estaba encabronado con el llamado del mariquita le contesta:
El agua está tan caliente como el miembro de un novio en la noche de bodas.
El marica se vira de espaldas y grita a todo pulmón:
¡Ahhh que bueno, pues de espalda es que voy… fuá!
You are so poor . . .
When you were kicking a can, your friend came by and asked what you were doing. You said you were moving!
The last words of a chemist:
16. O no, wrong beaker…
17. The fire alarm is just being tested.
18. Now you can take the protection window away…