Old and New Jokes

Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to get lost in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

One day, an old Italian couple arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native town, and it wasnt long before the wife got lost. The Italian husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked for his wifes description.

Whats that? asked the Italian.

Well, you see, a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 511, weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?

Forget her! exclaimed the Italian. Lets go look for yours!

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said: Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa? Luigi said: Everytinga wasa perfecto except for da traina ride down. Whata you mean, Luigi? asked Giovanni. Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She broughta vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were looking a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa Okey Dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga hisa finger at us and a say: No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car. So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a biga luncha and start to open a bottle of nice vino! Conductore walka by again, waga hisa finger and say: No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club acar. So, we go to club car. While drinkina vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say: No smokina disa car. Musta go to smokina car. We go to smokina car and I smoke my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of hisa voice: Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia! Next time, Im a gonna take a da bus.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment, but no one seemed annoyed.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for one little old lady walking with a cane. She approached and asked, conspiratorially, Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?

Why no Maam, what is it?

Did we land or were we shot down?

Ive got one of those wristwatches that is wound by movement. The first page of the instruction leaflet says, This watch is wound by normal wrist movement. Three minutes of normal wrist movement will wind the watch for about 8 hours.

That means that an episode of Baywatch should wind it up for, lets say about a week. 🙂

(For those in countries which dont receive Baywatch, it is a US American TV series in which everything from plot to production values is secondary to the breast size of the female characters.)

A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands. – Sacha Guitry

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. – Sacha Guitry

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she werent. – Sacha Guitry

The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one is Marxism. – Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married. – Katherine Hepburn

Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. – Katherine Hepburn

Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense of alimony. – Oliver Herford

Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. – John Heywood

Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. – M. Hirschfield

Love is like pi – natural, irrational, and very important. – Lisa Hoffman

It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are indispensable to take it off! – Douglas Jerold, 1858

Marrying a man is like buying something youve been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesnt always go with everything in the house. – Jean Kerr

I dont worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. – Sam Kinison

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. – Marvin Kitman

Marriage is a lottery, but you cant tear up your ticket if you lose. – F. M. Knowles

Harpo, shes a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. – Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpos fiancee

I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to have me. – Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. – Rich Little

Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. – John Lyly

For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. – Lyster

The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it. – Shirley MacLaine

In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But you have to shoot him in the end. – Herman Mankiewicz

I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me. – Dick Martin

Q: When did Clintons friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl Gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy.

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa. The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma. The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldnt concentrate, however, thinking about those words, Goodbye Daddy. He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below.

The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.

The Pope says, No way. You cant do that.

The Queen says, Watch this. So she waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union jacks on sticks and cheering and basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought shed be able to do it.

So he thinks for a minute and then he turns to her and says, I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.

The Queen says, No way. It cant be done.

So the Pope head butts her.