Old and New Jokes

One day an Italian and a Pollock were fishing on opposite sides of the same river, but the Italian guy was catching all of the fish.

Eventually, the Pollock asks the Italian, How do you get to the other side?

The Italian guy says, Ill turn on my flashlight and you can walk across the beam.

The Polish guy says, Nice try… Just because Im Polish doesnt mean that Ill fall for that. Ill get halfway across and youll turn it off!

The average mans life consists of:
• twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going;
• forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
• and at the end, the mourners wondering too!

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THATS a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night youre beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. Im not drunk youre just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You dont recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. Youve fallen and cant get up.

20. The shrubberys drunk too, from frequent watering.

Once there were three teenager boys sitting on the lawn in front of the sanctuary after a sunday church service. The pastor noticed them and said,Well, hello boys. What are you up to?

They replied, Nothing much. Were just trying to figure out whos told the biggest lie about thir sex life.

The pastor said,Im shocked! When I was your age, I never even thought about kissing girls!

They all replied in unison,You win, Pastor!

From The Economist of July 8, page 49:

Mensa, the club for highly intelligent people, advertised
a competition in a childrens newspaper–closing date,
June 31st.

How are men and parking spots alike?

The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.

I saw your mama kicking a can down the street. I asked her what she was doing, and she said Moving.

Unos arqueólogos alemanes hacen una excavación a cien metros de profundidad y encuentran trocitos de cobre alineados. De ello deducen que los antiguos germanos tenían una red telefónica.

Los franceseces, celosos de los resultados alcanzados por los alemanes, investigan y hacen un pozo de 500 metros y descubren trocitos de vidrio alineados y deducen que los antiguos

galos tenian redes telefónicas de fibra óptica.

Entonces los científicos de Tontilanda, para no ser menos, hacen un pozo de 100 metros

y no encuentran nada. ¡De ello deducen que los antiguos habitantes de Tontilandia

usaban teléfonos celulares!

Deck the Labs

Deck the labs with rubber tubing
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Fill the beakers with solutions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: Boys, we all know Ive been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I dont know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint givin him any of mine.

Second Bull: That pretty much says it for me, too. Ive been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows weve agreed are mine. Ill fight em till I run him off or kill im, but I AM KEEPIN ALL MY COWS.

Third Bull: Ive only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: You know, its actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

Second Bull: Ill have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. Im certainly not looking for an argument.

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting — the bulls equivalent of an Apes beating his chest or Mans bone-chilling, war-like cry of Stay away from my Woman, Vato!!

First Bull: Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it.

Third Bull: Hell , Mister, he can have ALL MY COWS.
Im just making sure he knows IM a bull!