Old and New Jokes

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog – After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high – maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar – if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time – if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I dont have.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother- in-law, and headed over the embankment.

I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been driving for forty years, when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble and my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

An invisible car come out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, found that I had a fractured skull.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

In indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray dogs.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

After much discussion the scientific community decided to try to determine why the human penis was shaped the way it was.

MIT allocated a budget of $200,000 and after 2 years research decided the the head of the penis was bigger than the shaft so that during intercourse a better seal was maintained and thus preventing leakage and ensuring fertilization.

Johns Hopkins Medical Center allocated a budget of $500,000 and after 5 years research decided that the head was bigger than the shaft in order to provide more stimulation, ensure ejaculation and thus allow for impregnation.

The fellows over at the University of Hawaii spent $2.50, bought a copy of the latest Victorias Secret catalog and reached the conclusion that the head is bigger to prevent your hand from slipping off!

Person: Are you a democrat or a republican?

Blonde: Oh, Im an American.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?

She says, Why, officer?

Because your breast is hanging out.

She looks down and says, OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, sure. The next thing I hear is, Hey, where do you put the coffee? I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.

Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.

Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when he asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. He responded, appalled, What on earth are blind people doing DRIVING???

Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to downsizing, our manager spoke up and said, This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often.

Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #5:

I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his system would not turn on.

Sighting #6 (a rare double sighting):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font theyd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.

Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Individual: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?

Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Individual: Now what do I do?

Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Individual: Its asking for Enter Your Last Name.

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Individual: How do you spell that?

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Yo mama so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.

Desde el bosque, Venancio y su mula, cargada con dos guacales en cada costado, se dirigen al pueblo más cercano. Como la noche los sorprende, el hombre decide amarrar al animal de un árbol, y él decide acostarse a un lado. Durante la noche, unos ladrones se roban la mula y a Venancio le amarran los guacales. Al amanecer, espantado, busca a su animal de carga:

¿Y la mula?

Pero al sentir los guacales, exclama:

Si yo soy la mula, ¿dónde está Venancio?

Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman its over is to look her straight in the eye and say, Ill call you next week. But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. Its safe, its affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. Its at your fingertips right now: E-mail.

Thats how all the happening, 90s kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. Youll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless? Following is an email rejection letter:



Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:



Dear (her name),



I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.



So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: (Men will check those that apply)



_____ Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.



_____ Your inadvertent admission that you buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.



_____ You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.



_____ The only question you did ask was how much money I make.



_____ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.



_____ My breasts are bigger than yours.



_____ Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.



_____ Your repeated comments such as, Is it still called a penis when its this small? were both uncalled for and thoughtless.



_____ The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.



_____ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he beats that domestic abuse rap shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.



_____ Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team



into the bedroom so it would be just like college seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.



_____ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.



Sincerely,



(Your name)