Old and New Jokes

Q: Did you hear about the girl who wanted to join the Army?

A: She jumped over a campfire and got Deferred.

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wifes birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. Hell wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom. Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that shell really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, Marvin, come out to the hallway and look. Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, $59 and they didnt even iron it.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a near-by mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked his Father, What is this, father? The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "I have never seen anything like this in my life. I dont know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old women stepped out. The Father looked at his son and said, Go get your mother.

In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.The instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, "A basketball coach?"

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the Gates of Heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter himself

When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a great family man.

The second guy says, I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children.

The last guy replies. I would like to hear them say…. LOOK!!! HES MOVING!!!!!

GENERAL

Any person with a valid state hunting and fishing license may harvest attorneys. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted The use of currency as bait is prohibited. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from all-terrain vehicles, helicopters, or aircraft. It shall be unlawful to shout whiplash, ambulance, or free Perrier for the purpose of trapping attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of a BMW dealership.

It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, one hundred (100) dollar bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it : An attorney which demonstrates clear rogue behavior in public office is exempted from this restriction, unless said attorney occupies the office of President of the United States of America .

Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a State Health Department inspection for AIDS, rabies, or vermin. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of enticing, entrapping, ensnaring, or harvesting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

Variant Daily/Seasonal Limit

Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2/4
Two-faced Tort Feasor 1/3
Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4/7
Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3/7
Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2/5
Honest Attorney Extinct (Sadly) Cut-throat 2/6
Weaseling Whiner 2/6
Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2/6
Silver-tongued Drug Defender $500 Bounty/No Limit
Ruby-slippered Civil Libertarian 7/22
Rogue Politico Open Season/No Limit

A father said, Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!

So, he showed up with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair … hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

Oh! Im sorry, she said. I didnt mean to scare you away.

You didnt! he replied. Im going out to get you some jewelry!

A mechanical engineer died & went to heaven. Upon arrival Saint Peter checked THE BOOK and didnt find his name, so he informed the engineer that he must get on the elevator and go DOWNSTAIRS.

Reluctantly the engineer boarded the elevator for the long trip DOWNSTAIRS and upon arrival in hell found that he was very uncomfortable due to the excessive heat. He asked to see the devil and was granted an interview, at which time he requested a large of materials with which to build an air conditioner. The devil replied that he could have anything he wished, and what he couldnt find, they would steal. So the engineer spent a month and a half building an air conditioner, which, when completed, cooled hell off only a few degrees.

Somewhat unsatisfied the engineer requested additional materials, with which he spent another month and a half building a sprinkler system to add to the cooling effect of his air conditioner. Hell was getting much cooler now and folks were beginning to almost enjoy it.

About a month later the red phone rang. The devil answered, and found that God was on the other end of the line.

Remember that mechanical engineer we sent down about 4 months ago? God queried.

Hell yes, I remember! Said the devil.

Well, Saint Peter missed that mans name on the last page of our book because the page was stuck to the one in front of it. So I want you to send the engineer back UPSTAIRS, as is our agreement. If theyre on THE BOOK, then they stay UPHERE and if not, they go DOWNSTAIRS. God exclaimed!

Ill be damned if your going to get that engineer back. Hes put in an air conditioner and a sprinkler system down here and folks are almost happy to be here. I expect that when some folks hear about this they may begin to request to be sent DOWNSTAIRS! said the devil.

Now look here! We have an agreement! In the book—UPSTAIRS and not in the book—DOWNSTAIRS!! If you dont send that engineer back right away I believe Ill have to sue you!!! shouted God!!

And just where do you think youll get an attorney? replied the devil!!!!!

Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)

Print it out and hang it over your work station…I dare ya!

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, dont open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, dont tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you dont like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, dont write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people youre with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job Im doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to managers hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and its nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. Im not here for the money anyway.

Ther was this Indian chief, and he had three wives. They slept in the same tent. One on a bear skin, one on a buffalo skin and one on a hippopotamus skin.

After a time the three had children. The one that slept on the bear skin had a baby boy, the one on the buffalo skin had a baby girl, and the one on the hippopotamus skin had a baby boy and a baby girl, proving that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the sqaws on the other two hides!!!