Old and New Jokes

– They took offence.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

A: A refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Four international businessmen are on the golf course, and there is a ringing sound.

The Canadian guy goes to his golf bag, pulls out his cellular phone and talks for a minute with his office.

Very important to be in touch these days, he says.

Yes, his golfing partners agree. A little bit later another, a different ring is heard, and the American golfer holds his hand up to his head (as if to imitate talking on the phone) and starts talking in what is clearly a real conversation.

After the call he explains to his friends, Its the very latest in cellular technology – a speaker is attached to my thumb, and a microphone to my pinky. You cant even tell I have it on.

A couple of holes later, a different, muted, ringing sound is heard, and the German businessman in the foursome stands erect and begins talking, again an obviously real conversation. When finished he explains, This really is the latest in cellular technology. A speaker is implanted in my ear, and a microphone in the backside of a front tooth. I just stand at attention to talk.

Suitably impressed, the foursome continues their game. Suddenly, the Japanese golfer excuses himself and ducks behind a bush. After he doesnt re-appear for several minutes, the American golfer goes to make sure he is okay. He finds him behind the bushes squatting down with his pants around his ankles.

Is everything okay? asks the American.

Yes, replies the Japanese golfer, If you could just give me a minute here, Im expecting a fax …

A public servant, on his way home from work in Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, This is unusual. He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolled down his window and asked, Officer, whats the hold-up? The officer replied, The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire.He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that reduced funding will improve the Higher Education and Health sectors, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends.So were taking up a collection for him. The public servant asks, How much have you got so far? The officer replies, About 200 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning.

The angry preacher…

The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A: A roamin catholic.

10. Reach in and grab the giblets!

9. Whew…..thats one terrific spread!

8. Im in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

6. Talk about a huge breast!

5. And he forces his way into the end zone

4. Shes 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.

3. Its cool whip time!!

2. If I dont unbuckle my pants, Im going to burst.

1. It must be broken cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically… so he asked his dad.

His dad said, Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, She said yes.

Well, said the dad, Go ask your sister the same question.

He did and came back and said,

She said yes.

And the dad said, Now go ask your brother the same thing.

He did and came back and said, He said yes too!

And the dad said, Well hypothetically were sitting on three million dollars, realistically were living with 2 whores and a fag!

Ai Bang Mai Ne
I bumped into the coffee table

Ar U Wun Tu
A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat
You need a face lift

Dum Gai
A stupid person

Gun Pao Der
An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung
Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding
We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive

Jan Ne Ka Sun
A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia
Approach me

Lao Ze Sho
Gilligans Island

Lao Ze
Not very good

Lin Ching
An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding
A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn
A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai
A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be
A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne
A small horse

Ten Ding Ba
Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung
A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan
Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah
Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim
Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting
There is no reason to raise your voice

Im going fishing.

Really means

Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car.

Really means

Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas.

Woman driver.

Really means

Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.

I dont care what color you paint the kitchen.

Really means

As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray,

mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.

Its a guy thing.

Really means

There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

Can I help with dinner?

Really means

Why isnt it already on the table?

Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.

Really mean

Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.

Good idea.

Really means

Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.

Have you lost weight?

Really means

Ive just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.

My wife doesnt understand me.

Really means

Shes heard all my stories before and is tired of them.

It would take too long to explain.

Really means

I have no idea how it works.

Im getting more exercise lately.

Really means

The batteries in the remote are dead.

I got a lot done.

Really means

I found Waldo in almost every picture.

Were going to be late.

Really means

Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.

Hey, Ive read all the classics.

Really means

Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.

You cook just like my mother used to.

Really means

She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.

I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind.

Really means

I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.

Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.

Really means

I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

Thats interesting, dear.

Really means

Are you still talking?

Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.

Really means

I forgot our anniversary again.

You expect too much of me.

Really means

You want me to stay awake.

Its a really good movie.

Really means

Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.

Thats womens work.

Really means

Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.

Will you marry me?

Really means

Both my roommates have moved out, I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.

Go ask your mother.

Really means

I am incapable of making a decision.

You know how bad my memory is.

Really means

I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

I was just thinking about you and got you these roses.

Really means

The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.

Football is a mans game.

Really means

Women are generally too smart to play it.

Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.

Really means

I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.

I do help around the house.

Really means

I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.

Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.

Really means

And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

I cant find it.

Really means

It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.

What did I do this time?

Really means

What did you catch me at?

What do you mean, you need new clothes?

Really means

You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.

Shes one of those rabid feminists.

Really means

She refused to make my coffee.

But I hate to go shopping.

Really means

Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.

No, I left plenty of gas in the car.

Really means

You may actually get it to start.

Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.

Really means

I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.

I heard you.

Really means

I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping

desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.

You know I could never love anyone else.

Really means

I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.

You look terrific.

Really means

Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.

I brought you a present.

Really means

It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game.

I missed you.

Really means

I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.

Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.

Really means

No one will ever see us alive again.

We share the housework.

Really means

I make the messes, she cleans them up.

This relationship is getting too serious.

Really means

I like you more than my truck.

I recycle.

Really means

We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.

Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.

Really means

Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?

It sure snowed last night.

Really means

I suppose youre going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.

Its good beer.

Really means

It was on sale.

I dont need to read the instructions.

Really means

I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.

Ill fix the garbage disposal later.

Really means

If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.

Ill take you to a fancy restaurant.

Really means

Someplace that doesnt have a drive-thru window.

I broke up with her.

Really means

She dumped me.