Old and New Jokes

A postponed compliment.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: What are you doing here today?

Woman: Oh, Im here to donate some blood. Theyre going to give me $5 for it.

Man: Hmm, thats interesting. Im here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

Case Report: Unique Case of Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverers

Syndrome Source: North Pole Journal of Medicine, vol 1 no.1, December 1993

Author: Dr. Iman Elf, M.D.

On January 2, 1993, Mr. C, an obese, white caucasian male, who appeared approximately 65 years old, but who could not accurately state his age, presented to my family practice office with complaints of generalized aches and pains, sore red eyes, depression, and general malaise. The patients face was erythematic, and he was in mild respiratory distress, although his demeanor was jolly. He attributed these symptoms to being not as young as I used to be, HO! HO! HO!, but thought he should have them checked out.

The patients occupation is delivering presents once a year, on December 25th, to many people worldwide. He flies in a sleigh pulled by eight reindeer, and gains access to homes via chimneys. He has performed this work for as long as he can remember.

Upon examination and ascertaining Mr. Cs medical history, I have discovered what I believe to be a unique and heretofore undescribed medical syndrome related to this mans occupation and lifestyle, named Aerial Sleigh-Borne Present-Deliverers Syndrome, or ASBPDS for short.

Medical History:

Mr. C. admits to drinking only once a year, and only when someone puts rum in the eggnog left for him to consume during his working hours. However, I believe his bulbous nose and erythematic face may indicate long-term ethanol abuse. He has smoked pipe tobacco for many years, although workplace regulations at the North Pole have forced him to cut back to one or two pipes per day for the last 5 years. He has had no major illnesses or surgeries in the past. He has no known allergies. Travel history is extensive, as he visits nearly every location in the world annually. He has had all his immunizations, including all available vaccines for tropical diseases. He does little exercise and eats large meals with high sugar and cholesterol levels, and a high percentage of calories derived from fat (he subsists all year on food he collects on Dec. 25, which consists mainly of eggnog, Cola drinks, and cookies). Family history was unavailable, as the patient could not name any relatives.

Physical Examination and Review of Systems, With Social/Occupational Correlates:

The patient wears corrective lenses, and has 20/80 vision. His conjunctivae were hyperalgesic and erythematous, and Fluorescein staining revealed numerous randomly occurring corneal abrasions. This appears to be caused by dust, debris, and other particles which strike his eyes at high velocity during his flights. He has headaches nearly every day, usually starting half way through the day, and worsened by stress.

He had extensive ecchymoses, abrasions, lacerations, and first-degree burns on his head, arms, legs, and back, which I believe to be caused mainly by trauma experienced during repeated chimney descents and falls from his sleigh. Collisions with birds during his flight, gunshot wounds (delivered by homeowners mistaking him for a burglar) and bites consistent with reindeer teeth may also have contributed to these wounds. Patches of leukoderma and anesthesia on his nose, cheeks, penis, and distal digits are consistent with frostbite caused by periods of hypothermia during high-altitude flights.

He had a blood pressure of 150/95, a heart rate of 90 beats/minute, and a respiratory rate of 40. He has had shortness of breath for several years, which worsens during exertion. He has no evidence of acute cardiac or pulmonary failure, but it was my opinion that he is quite unfit due to his mainly sedentary lifestyle and poor eating habits which, along with his stress, smoking, and male gender, place him at high risk for coronary heart disease, myocardial infarction, emphysema and other problems. Blood tests subsequently revealed higher than normal CO levels, which I attribute to smoke inhalation during chimney descent into non-extinguished fireplaces.

He has experienced chronic back pain for several years. A neurological examination was consistent with a mild herniation of his L4-L5 or L5-S1 disk, which probably resulted from carrying a heavy sack of toys, enduring bumpy sleigh rides, and his jarring feet-first falls to the bottom of chimneys.

Mr. C. had a swollen left scrotum, which, upon biopsy, was diagnosed as scrotal cancer, the likely etiology being the soot from chimneys.

Psychiatric Examination and Social/Occupational Correlates:

Mr. Cs depression has been chronic for several years. I do not believe it to be organic in nature–rather, he has a number of unresolved issues in his personal and professional life which cause him distress.

He exhibits long-term amnesia, and cannot recall any events more than 5 years ago. This may be due to a repressed psychological trauma he experienced, head trauma, or, more likely, the mythical nature of his existence.

Although the patient has a jolly demeanor, he expresses profound unhappiness. He reports anger at not receiving royalties for the widespread commercial use of his likeness and name. Although he reports satisfaction with the sex he has with his wife, I sense he may feel erotic impulses when children sit on his lap, and I worry he may have pedophillic tendencies. This could be the subconscious reason he employs only vertically-challenged workers (elfs), but I believe his hiring practices are more likely a reaction formation due to body-image problems stemming from his obesity. The patient feels annoyed and worried when he is told many people do not believe he exists, and I feel this may develop into a serious identity crisis if not dealt with. He reports great stress over having to choose which gifts to give to children, and a feeling of guilt and inadequacy over the decisions he makes as to which children are naughty and nice.

Because he experiences total darkness lasting many months during winter at the North Pole, Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) may be a contributor to his depression.

Treatment and Counselling:

All Mr. Cs wounds were cleaned and dressed, and he was prescribed an antibiotic ointment for his eyes. A referral to a physiotherapist was made to ameliorate his disk problem. On February 9, a bilateral orchidectomy was performed, and no further cancer has been detected as of this writing. He was counselled to wash soot from his body regularly, to avoid lit-fire chimney descents where practicable, and to consider switching to a closed-sleigh, heated, pressurized sleigh. He refused suggestions to add a helmet and protective accessories to his uniform.

He was put on a high-fibre, low cholesterol diet, and advised to reduce his smoking and drinking. He has shown success with these lifestyle changes so far, although it remains to be seen whether he will be able to resist the treats left out for him next Christmas.

He visits a psychiatrist weekly, and reports doing Not too bad, HO! HO! HO!.

Conclusions:

Physicians, when presented with aerial sleigh-borne present-deliverers exhibiting more than a few of these symptoms, should seriously consider ASBPDS as their differential diagnosis. I encourage other physicians with access to patients working in allied professions (e.g. Nightly Teeth-Purchasers or Annual Candied Egg Providers) to investigate whether analogous anatomical/ physiological/ psychological syndromes exist. The happiness of children everywhere depend on effective management of these syndromes.

One night when a boy prayed to god, the boy asked god:

How Long is 1 million years to you?

God replies 1 second.

The Boy asked God:

How much is 1 million dallors to you?

God replies 1 penny.

Then the boy asked god if he could have a penny.

God replies…sure, gimme 1 second.

A young man was invited to his girlfriends house for dinner and to meet his soon-to-be inlaws.

During dinner, the man realized he had to fart. He pinched his cheeks to hold it in as long as he could. But pretty soon, he was so uncomfortable, he just decided to try and let it quietly slip out (make your favorite fart sound here) and the girls father yelled, Spot! which was the family dogs name.

Well, the young man was very relieved, thinking to himself, They think the dog farted. Whew! Im safe.

As the dinner progressed, the young man broke wind a few more times and each time the girls father would yell, Spot!

Towards the end of the meal, the young man really let one rip (add your best fart sound here) and the girls father yelled, Spot! Get over here before he shits all over you!

(pronounced C more or less)

Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language. Each C+- class instance
known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or
undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well
as public members known as boasts or claims. The following C operators are
overridden as shown:

> better than
> much better than

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says,

Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex… youll love it!

Doris thinks for a minute and says,

I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK…maybe I would have such sex with you…

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him: Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad:

Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz… Now, Ill just address this… By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name?

Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?

A software engineer, hardware engineer and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing offguard rails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along the mountainside. The occupants of the car were unhurt, but they had a problem. They were stuck halfway down the mountain in a car with no brakes.

I know said the manager. Lets have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and through a process of Continuous Improvement, find a solution to the Critical Problems and well be on our way.

No, said the hardware engineer. Ive got my Swiss army knife with me. I can strip down the cars braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and well be on our way.

Wait, said the software engineer. Before we do anything, shouldnt we push the car back to the top of the mountain and see if it happens again?

ACCOUNTANTS – Lose their balance.

ACTORS – Drop a part.

ACTUARIES – Get broken down by age and sex.

ARCHERS – Bow and quiver.

BANKERS – Lose interest.

BASEBALL PLAYERS – Get pitched.

BASKETBALL players – Go on dribbling.

BEEKEEPERS – Buzz off.

BLONDES – Dye away.

BOOKKEEPERS – Lose their figures.

BOTANISTS – Wither away.

BOWLERS – End up in the gutter.

CARDIAC SURGEONS – Get bypassed.

CHAUFFEURS – Lose their drive.

CHICKENS – Get fried.

CLEANING PEOPLE – Kick the bucket.

CLOTHIERS – Lose their shirts.

COMPUTER USERS – Lose their memory.

COOKS – Get deranged.

COWS – Kick the bucket.

DAIRYMEN – Get butter and butter.

DAREDEVILS – Get discouraged.

DEANS – Lose their faculties.

DOCTORS – Lose their patients.

EGYPTIAN TOURISTS – Go senile.

ELECTRICIANS – Lose contact.

ENGINEERS – Lose their bearings.

EXTERMINATORS – Bug out.

FARMERS – Go to seed.

The science section of Tuesdays The New York Times (Jan 6, 1998) includes a profile of Biologist Dr. Anne Simon (U Mass, Amherst). The piece (by Carey Goldberg) is entitled The Science Adviser to Whaaat?

It seems that Dr. Simon has, for some time, been a friend of one Chris Carter. Carter is the creator of the X-FILES TV show on the Fox network (U.S.). For the uninitiated, Goldberg describes X-FILES as a dark confection of conspiracy, fantasy and paranormalcy. On the show two FBI agents come across aliens (from outer space), witches, vampires and high government conspiracies. But the crazy thing is often well written and filled with dry humor (EG. in one episode about a southern town whose economy was based upon a chicken processing plant and whose culture was steeped in cannibalism, the local companys motto was: GOOD PEOPLE MAKE GOOD FOOD).

When Carter started to write scripts for the show he called on Dr. Simon for scientific expertise. Simon says (?!?), What Chris says is that the science looking real and being real is what makes the show scary.

In the show Special Agent Fox Mulder has a big sign in his office. The sign reads: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE

Dr. Simon has a sign on HER office door. Her sign reads: THE TRUTH IS IN HERE

Simon doesnt get paid much for her consulting on the show, but she does get bragging rights and access to clips from the show that she uses in her class lectures. Simon also wears an X-FILES t-shirt when she teaches.

Kinda makes ya wanna go back and take bio again, no?