Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

It opens at noon answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

What time does the bar open? he asks.

Same time as before… Noon. replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?

The clerk then answers, It opens at noon, but if you cant wait, I can have room service send something up to you.

No… I dont wanna git in… Ah wanna git OUT!!!

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him.

The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

Ill only marry you under three conditions. she said.

Anything, anything, said the ambassador.

First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France.

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, Yes, yes, I build, I build!

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

Finally, she said. Ill only marry you, if you have a 10 inch tool.

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!

When I was a kid I adopted a stray cat.

I couldnt afford Kitty Litter so I filled a cardboard box with dirt and kept it on the screened porch at the back of the house. We had mostly dirt in our back yard and the whole world is made out of dirt but that stubborn cat would scratch and meow at the screen door so it could get inside to use the box of dirt.

We went on vacation for two weeks, took the cat, but forgot to take the box of dirt.

When we got back, the cat looked like a football and could hardly walk.

I dont know how to describe what happened when it got to the box of dirt. Have you ever blown up a balloon and have it slip out of your fingers before you could tie a knot in the neck?

A man goes to the doctor complaining of a stutter.Ittt tt juuu st wonntt go aw ayyy! he said.The doctor examined him and found the problem.Your penis is too long, he said and he was right. It was over 13 inches long.I can cut some off and your stutter will go away.The man agreed and the doctor performed the procedure and he left.The man came back a week later for a check up.Im fine, he said, but my wife has left me as Im not great in bed anymore. Id like the rest of my penis sewn back on please. Is that possible?The doctor replied, Nn oooO!! Gg goo aWaa yy!

Q: How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one to screw it in.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables.

When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying,
Jesus is watching you.

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard,
Jesus is watching you.

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.

Did you say that? he hissed at the parrot.

Yep, the parrot confessed, and then squawked, Im trying to warn you.

The burglar relaxed.

Warn me, eh? Who are you?

Moses, replied the parrot.

Moses? The burglar laughed. What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?

The parrot replied, Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.

Viajaban tres monjas en un avión y una dice: En mi pueblo tenemos unas naranjas así de grandes. Y acompaña sus palabras con un gesto de las manos.

La otra dice: Pues en mi pueblo tenemos unos plátanos así de largos. Y hace el gesto con las manos.

La otra monjita, que era sorda, dice: ¡Ya sé de que hablais! ¡De los cojones del padre Camilo!

Cierto día se encontraba un burro a las orillas de un pantano.

De repente, sin darse cuenta tropieza y cae al pantano, desesperado empieza a gritar…

!AYUDENME, ME AHOGO!

En ese momento pasaba por ahí una hormiga que oye los gritos del burro y corre para ayudarlo.

Casualmente vio un Mercedes con una cuerda adentro, así que abre el auto, toma la cuerda y se la arroja al burro. La hormiga se sube al Mercedes y saca al burro.

Pasa el tiempo y a la hormiga le sucede lo mismo: cae al pantano y desesperada pide ayuda. En esos momentos el burro oye sus gritos y va a ayudarla, pero ya no estaba ningún Mercedes ni nada. Entonces le avienta su miembro y la hormiguita resbalándose y todo logra salir del pantano.

MORALEJA…

Si tienes una buena reata , NO NECESITAS UN MERCEDES.

Two awols were talking:

a)Boo!

b)Boo, fuck you, you scared me!