Old and New Jokes

How does a blonde part their hair? By doing the splits.

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored.

Hey, lets play a game she said.What game? was his bored reply.

Lets play hidenseek. Ill give you a blow-job if you can find me.

What if I cant find you?

Ill be behind the piano.

Un niño le dice a su padre:

Papi, dijo el vecino que le prestes tu carro.

El padre, furioso, responde:

Dile al cabrón del vecino que mi carro no es relajo de nadie y que mi culo no es garaje.

El niño, extrañado, le pregunta:

¿Por qué dices que tu culo no es garaje?

Porque cuando le digas lo que yo te mande a decirle, lo primero que te dirá es que me meta mi carro por el culo.

What do Michael Jackson and cavier have in common?

They both come on little white crackers.

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he cant hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, I, then at his knee, meaning, need, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.



The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!



The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.

Better latent than never.

In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.

If you like British humor! This is really good!

The British Governments policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called Proxy Fathers.

Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father – a government employee who attempts to solve the couples problem by impregnating the wife.

The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, Im off. The government man should be here soon. Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell…

Ms Smith: Good morning.

Salesman: Good morning, madam. You dont know me, but Ive come to…

Ms Smith: No need to explain, Ive been expecting you.

Salesman: Really? Well, good. Ive made a specialty of babies, especially twins.

Ms Smith: Thats what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

Salesman: (Sitting) Then you dont need to be sold on the idea?

Ms Smith: Dont concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do.

Salesman: Well, perhaps we should get down to it.

Ms Smith: (Blushing) Just where do we start?

Salesman: Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out.

Ms Smith: Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasnt worked for Harry and me.

Salesman: Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, Im sure youll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, I aim to please.

Ms Smith: Pardon me, but isnt this a little informal?

Salesman: Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. Id love to be in and out in five minutes, but youd be disappointed with that.

Ms Smith: Dont I know! Have you had much success at this?

Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London.

Ms Smith: Oh, my!!

Salesman: And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.

Ms Smith: She was?

Salesman: Yes, Im afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. Ive never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.

Ms Smith: Four and five deep?

Salesman: Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldnt concentrate. Im afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.

Ms Smith: You mean they actually chewed on your, eh…, equipment?

Salesman: Thats right, but its all in a days work. I consider my work a pleasure. Ive spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store.

Ms Smith: I just cant believe it.

Salesman: Well, madam, if youre ready, Ill set up my tripod so that we can get to work.

Ms Smith: TRIPOD?!?

Salesman: Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. Its much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while Im shooting. Ms Smith? … Ms Smith? … My word, shes fainted!

Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis.
The first graders asked each other, Whats a penis? None of them knew.

Finally one boy said, Ill ask my Dad, he knows everything.

That evening the boy asked his Dad, Whats a penis?

The father replied, Well, if youre old enough to ask I guess youre old enough
to know. Dad dropped his pants and said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact,
thats a perfect penis!

The next day the boy told his friends, I found out what a penis is, come on,
Ill show you.

The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy,
exposing himself to his friends, said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact, if
it was two inches shorter, itd be a perfect penis!

The visiting church school supervisor asks Little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows Little Johnny, as well as his whole family, very well and can vouch for him. If Little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.

Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall.