What is a cat? – Cats do what they want.
– They rarely listen to you.
– They are totally unpredictable.
– When you want to play, they want to be alone.
– When you want to be alone, they want to play.
– They expect you to cater to their every whim.
– They are moody.
– They leave hair everywhere.
– They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats.

What is a dog?

– Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most
comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
– They can hear a package of food opening half a
block away, but they dont hear you when you
are in the same room.
– They growl when they are not happy.
– When you want to play, they want to play.
– When you want to be alone, they want to play.
– They are great at begging.
– They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
– They leave their toys everywhere.
– They do disgusting things with their mouths
and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, Im sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole! she screamed.

Thats funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her too!

As Time Goes By – A Brief History Lesson…

3050 B.C. – A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

525 B.C. – The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians dont try to enter a six-footer with a moustache in the womens shot put.

214 B.C. – Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesnt keep the neighbors dog out.

1 B.C. – Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

432 – St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1297- The worlds first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1456 – An English judge reviews Joan of Arcs case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

1607 – The Indians laugh themselves silly as the first European tourist to visit Virginia tries to register as John Smith.

1755 – Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at last providing young children with a book they can look up dirty words in.

1770 – The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, 3 shootings in Boston will be considered just about average for a Sat. Night.

1805 – Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 – Robert Fulton invents the steamship so he has something to blow up with his torpedo.

1865 – Union Soldiers face their greatest challenge of the war: getting General Grant sober enough to accept Lees surrender.

1912 – People with Reservations for the voyage of the Titanic get their money back.

1934 – As if the Great Depression werent giving business enough headaches, Ralph Nader is born.

Anyone who thinks that severance pay is something new probably doesnt understand alimony.
No man knows how short a month can be until he has to pay alimony.
Paying alimony is like having your television on while youre asleep.
I sued for divorse on the grounds of mental cruelty. A couple of times, she tried to kill me.
We had a Hollywood divorce. She asked for custody of the money.
It was a rather friendly divorce, we split up the house equally. I got the outside.
Im never getting married again. Ill just find some woman I really hate and buy her a house.

This may sound like an urban legend – but it actually happened to my Dad!

My father work requires him to make several home calls, one of which resulted in the following amusing tale:

As he arrived at the house in question, he knocked on the door – and as he walked in a dog ran in behind him and headed straight for the lounge.

Whilst discussing the deal the dog was leaping all over both of them – my dad thought it was rather strange that this was going unnoticed by the householder.

He also thought it was rather strange that the dog was allowed inside the room whilst they were talking. After several minutes the wife walked in the room with a tray of drinks and the dog just ran up to her and knocked the tray out of her hand, spllling tea all over the place – it was at this point my dad decided to casually ask: How long have you had the dog?

Their reply was Oh – we thought it was yours! … It was a stray!!!

Another of his visits (which was made a few days into my first year at high school) was made to someone whose daughter had just started at the same school as me who turned out to be in the same class as me.

When my dad mentioned my name she said Oh – hes the one who blew up the test tube – an incident which I hadnt told my parents about until then – so I had some explaining to do when he got back!!

(Incidently – the explosion was caused when I poored cold water onto hot magnesium oxide!!! (idiot))

And now one about an experience that happened to me at school once:

In one of our classes at high school, the teacher had somehow got involved in asking what everyones ideal car would be, when the got round to ask me – I let a real ripper of a fart go, and the person sitting next to me said: Cor – something with air conditioning!!.

How embarassing!!! 🙂

You Know Youre from Missouri If:

1. Youve never met any celebrities.

2. Everyone you know has been on a Float trip

3. Vacation means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six
Flags.

4. Youve seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.

5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles.

6. Down south to you means Arkansas.

7. The phrase Im going to the Lake this weekend only means one thing.

8. You know several people who have hit a deer.

9. You think Missouri is spelled with an ah not an i at the end.

10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.

11. You know what party cove is.

12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.

13. You instinctively ask someone youve just met, What High School did
you go to?

14. Youve ever had to switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

15. You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.

16. You know whats knee-high by the Fourth of July.

17. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.

19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.

20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example:
Wheres my coat at?

21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
or grain.

22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and
jell-o salad with marshmallows.

24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should.

25. You went to skating parties as a kid.

26. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

27. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

28. You think sexy lingerie is tube s

It was the usual scene in the citys night court; the police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the judge. Three hookers stood before him, all
arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.The woman was irate and yelled out, I dont know what all this is about, your
Honor. Im a college student doing research for a term paper!The Judge sighed and said, Well miss, I would have thought youd done enough research by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and a $250 fine. He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify. The woman began crying softly and said, Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested.This time, the judge shook his head and said, Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your husband in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and a $250 fine. He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.The woman said simply, Im a hooker.Refreshed at her honesty, the judge laughed and said, Hows business?She sneered and replied, Terrible judge! With all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Only one, but the lightbulb must want to change.

Frases útiles para que los gringos no se queden sin comer en México.

Hungry?

Para ordenar huevos:

Web us come ham on

Web us come toss see no

Web us tea be us

Web us come shore is so

Web be toes come free hall lit toes

Para ordenar tacos:

Does stack kit toes door add it toes the Paul Joe

Does stack kit toes the car neat as

Para acompañar a los tacos:

Come chill leap toes hall up pen Joes

Para acompañar a la carne asada:

Come chill lack kill less

E free hall lit toes

Para ordenar bebidas:

Train us on six the shell as

Kiss sea ram must does tea kill as

Y después de un taco… un buen tabaco:

See Gary toe?

Y si les agradó la comida:

Much as grass see ass.

Padre e hija están viajando a través del desierto cuando unos bandidos les asaltan y les roban hasta la ropa. Cuando se van, la hija le dice al padre:

¿Has podido salvar algo?

¡Pero cómo voy a salvar algo si nos han dejado en pelotas!

Entonces, la hija se saca un anillo de diamantes del chomino y, con aire de triunfo, anuncia:

Mira, mamá me enseño este truco.

Ya, es una pena que tu madre no estuviese aquí… podríamos haber salvado el coche.