Old and New Jokes

Knock, Knock. Whos there? Dwayne. Dwayne who? DWAYNE THE TUB! IM DWOWNING!

WARNING! POOR FRED IS DEAD. DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE COME TO

MOURN HIS PASSING.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. Is Fred home? he asked the woman who answered the door. Sorry, the woman replied. Freds gone for cotton.

The next day the collector tried again. Is Fred here today?

No, sir, she said, Im afraid Fred has gone for cotton.

When he returned the third day he humphed, I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?

No, the woman answered solemnly, Fred died yesterday.

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Freds tombstone, with this inscription: Gone, But Not for Cotton. RIP, Fred.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner

and a loser at the same time.

Mrs. Martin went to see her gynecologist before her fourth marriage.

After the examination, the physician seemed confused. Youre a virgin. How is that possible?

My first husband was a psychiatrist, she explained. He analyzed it all the time.

My second husband was an English lit professor. He wrote about it all the time.

My third husband was a contractor and always said he would get around to it.

But now Im marrying a lawyer, she said with a smile, so I know Ill get screwed.

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!

And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!

The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.

The Japanese exclaimed, Wah… so expensive!

There upon, the driver yelled back, Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!

¿Cómo se relacionan las matemáticas con el sexo?

Se unen un 1° y un 2°…

Para formar un 3°, en un 4°…

Para romper un 5°.

Una novicia recién ingresada en un convento comienza por primera vez con los rituales matutinos. Siguiendo en fila a las otras hermanas, llega a la capilla donde se encontraba expuesto el Santísimo y observa que aquellas se inclinan diciendo:

Yo me ofrezco.

Una tras otra:

Yo me ofrezco.

Cuando llega su turno, la novicia se inclina diciendo:

¡Yo meo calientito y espumoso!

Manolo se encontraba puliendo un poste de metal con un pañuelo. En eso llega Venancio:

¿Por qué estás haciendo eso?

Manolo le contesta enseñándole la cabeza:

¿Qué no ves el chichote que tengo?

¡Hombre! ¿Y eso qué tiene que ver?

Es que el doctor me dijo que me limpiara en el sitio donde me golpeé.

Juancho compró una Kawasaki al llegar a Puerto Rico. Entonces se va a probarla a la autopista. La acelera al máximo y mas al frente va un Porche y Juancho se le pega y le dice:

¿Conoce mi Kawazaki?

Y el del Porche acelera y se va mas al frente y Juancho se le pega de nuevo y le dice:

¿Conoce mi Kawazaki?

El del porche se le despega otra vez y Juancho se le vuelve a pegar…

¿Conoce mi Kawazaki?

El del Porche ya estaba enpezando a enojarse y le dice:

Sí, la conozco.

Y Juancho le dice:

¡Pues dime donde están los frenos que no puedo parar!

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

See if they can do it again.

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For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

——————————————————————————–

For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.

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For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me

Tell them its a feature

Say its not supported

Change the documentation

Blame it on the hardware

Find a way around it

Say they need an upgrade

Reinstall the software

Ask for a dump

Run with the debugger

Try to reproduce it

Ask them how they did it and

See if they can do it again.