Old and New Jokes

A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he
laid down the rules, Now heres the way its gonna be: Ill go
hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime
I want to, with no hassle from you. And Ill come home anytime I want
to, with no hassle from you. And Ill expect dinner to be on the table
whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do
you understand?

His new bride smiled sweetly and replied, Of course, dear. Thats
fine. But I have one little rule of my own: Im gonna have sex every
night at seven oclock – whether youre home or not!

This Russian guy loses his pet parrot. He looks everywhere, all around the neighbourhood, in the park, everywhere, but he cant find the parrot. Finally he goes around to the KGB office, and tells the desk officer his problem. The officers a little puzzled. Look, bud, Im sorry you lost your bird, but this is the KGB. We dont handle missing animal reports.Oh, I know that, says the guy. I just wanted you to know, if you find my parrot — I dont know where he could have picked up all his political ideas.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.

After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesnt kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying, Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down for dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.

This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. Well then. she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms. WHAT was it?

Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they werent fooling around.

I see said the blind man as he was peeing into the wind. Its all coming back to me now.

Jews dont recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Muslims dont recognize the Pope as Patriarch.
Two Baptists in a liquor store dont recognize one other.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Clinton met with members of the newsmedia in an attempt to clear up misunderstandings involving dealings between Microsoft of Redmond, Washington and the U.S. Goverment.

Mr. Clinton not only denied taking any military action against Microsoft or Bill Gates, he also stated that there were never any negotiations regarding the acquisition of the United States by Microsoft, Inc.

In fact Clinton said, we have entered into a strategic alliance with Microsoft that promises to end the enmity between our two nations (President Clinton has apparently mistaken Microsoft for an independent country), and to bring about a new spirit of cooperation that will benefit those we have used, er, our users, or uh, rather, our citizens… well you know what I mean.

Mr. Gates joined the president on stage by means of a satellite hookup, with his image being projected on a large screen over Clintons left shoulder, while the president talked to him on a cellular phone. Thanks, Bill said Clinton, youve just help make the world a better place. For his part, Gates would makes faces and mock the president but would stop just before the president turned to look at the screen in response to audience reaction.

Details of the agreement have not been completely worked out, but it appears that Microsoft will be making a $150 million donation to the Democratic party and has promised that Microsoft Office will continue to be compatible with YK2-susceptible U.S. government computers well into the 21st century (Thats the next one coming up, right?… Right? Clinton was heard to inquire.).

Microsoft will be granted a deluxe weekend stay, including continental breakfast and souvenir pen, in the Lincoln Bedroom and one Get out of jail free card.

Reactions of the assembled reporters and analysts was mixed.

A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, Whats the problem? Wouldnt your cat eat them?

The womans eyes got very large, and she whispered, Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for cats?

Estaban Romeo y Julieta en una noche muy romántica con luna y en un lugar muy alejado y privado, y mantenían la siguiente conversación:

Julieta: Romeo, ¿no quisieras que coja tu miembro con mis manos y lo acaricie a él y a tus bolitas, para que sientas placeres enormes?

Romeo: ¡Cómo se te ocurre, amada mía! ¿Cómo vas a usar esas manos tan puras para algo así? No, no, de ninguna manera.

Julieta: Romeo, amor mío, ¿no quisieras que coja ese miembro tan varonil y lo ponga entre mis piernas o entre mis senos, y te haga llegar a niveles de placer jamás alcanzados por humano alguno?

Romeo: ¡Jamás!, nunca permitiría que esas partes tan tuyas, tan blancas y sin mancha, puedan ser tocadas por esa parte tan sucia de mi cuerpo. No, dueña mía, ¡jamás!

Julieta: ¡Ay, amado mío!, ¿no quisieras entonces introducir ese gran pedazo de carne tuya, dentro de mi boca y que con esto logre estremecer tu cuerpo y alma con tiernas y locas caricias?

Romeo: ¡Nunca jamás!, no puedo pensarlo siquiera que mi miembro varonil toque esa boca tuya que solo dice hermosas frases y canta a viva voz tu amor por mí.

Julieta: Bueno Romeo, entonces vamos a tener que pensar en otra cosa, porque a mí ya me está doliendo mucho el CULO!

Theres this guy who sells knives by acsident he thruw a k nife down a building and it cuts of a guys dick and then the guys dick falls into green paint and i t fell into a pickle jar and a lady bought that jar she ate all of them and she came back and she said all those pickles where delicous especialy the hairy one.

You cant get here from there.