Old and New Jokes

Un profesor va a la residencia de estudiantes para socializar más con sus alumnos. Al entrar en una habitación encuentra a un grupo de estudiantes totalmente desnudos con una prostituta con ojos vendados. La daifa se los chupa por turno y trata de adivinar el nombre de ellos por el sabor de la chupada. Los muchachos ven al profesor y le gritan:

¡Hola, profe, venga con nosotros!

¡No! ¿Cómo puede ser? Un maestro no puede hacer cosas tan denigrantes; es más, yo no soy así.

¿Ah, no? ¡Ella ya tomó tres veces a alguien por usted!

A guy is getting ready to hunt when his wife asks if she can go

No way. We would be getting up early and you never know what the weather is like. I just dont think you could handle it.



Please, his wife begs, you never do anything with me.



Fine, he sats, Ill see you in the morning.





The next morning the guy wakes his wife. its four in the morning. she complains.



Thats what time we go, he says, now move it.





The wife gets out of bed and sees snow all over the ground and refuses to go.





Fine, says the husband, for making me pack double the gear and being a bitch you better suck my dick or let me fuck you in the ass.





The women abruply gets on her knees. A few seconds later she pulls her head away.





oh, your dick taste like shit.





I know, says the husband, the dog didnt want to go either.

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who took the Dale Carnegie course?
A: He improved his confidence from .95 to .99.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelors Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Ive been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller

Whats the difference between Ted Kaczynski and Monica Lewinsky?

Ted Kaczynski blows people up!

There was a blonde that lived next to a brunette. One day, the blonde was crying so the brunette went over and asked what was wrong. The blonde said, My mom just died. So the brunette comforted her all day.

The next day the blonde was crying again, so the brunette went over and asked, Whats wrong now the blonde said My sister just called… Her mom died too.

… every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS … Universe halted
COFFEE.EXE missing – insert cup and press any key.
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:WINDOWS C:WINDOWSGO C:PCCRAWL
C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN
Best file compression utility around: DEL *.* = 100% compression.
The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM halted … Cereal Port not Responding.
C:Bad command or file name: Go stand in the corner.
Why doesnit DOS ever say EXCELLENT command or filename?
… File not found. Should I fake it (Y/N)
Ethernet (n). something used to catch the Etherbunny.
An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted. Re-boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)
SENILE.COM found … Out of Memory
Whois General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS … Come in DOS … do you copy? Shell to DOS
All computers wait at the same speed.
Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI

This old lady walks into the Doctors office and says, Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. Its not really a social problem, because you cant smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.

The Doctor nods his head and says, Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.

The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still cant hear them, but now they smell horrible!

The Doctor again nods his head and says, Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now lets work on your hearing.

A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on the mans trouser leg.

The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit.

A busybody who had been watching ran up to him and said, You shouldnt do that. Hell never learn anything if you reward him when he does something like that!.

The blind man retorted, Im not rewarding him. Im just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass!