Old and New Jokes

A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said $50.00.

She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, Why is this parrot so cheap?

Well, he replied, You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it.

How bad could it be?, the woman thought.
Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table.

The parrot looked around and said Awk! New House, New Madam!
Well, the woman thought, Thats not so bad.

Then the womans two daughters came home from school.
Awk!, the parrot said, New Madam, New Whores!

Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasnt so bad either. Then the womans husband came home from work.

Awk! The parrot said, New Madam, New Whores, Same old faces! Hi George!

Education Kills by degrees!

your mamas so fat that when she goes to the beach the whales start to sing:We are family, even though your bigger than me!

[Noted in HARVARD MAGAZINE, September/October 1990.]

Conservative Member of Parliament Geoffrey Dickens tells of attending a fair
in his constituency and being followed around by a sweet but exceptionally
ugly woman whom he couldnt get rid of.

A few days later he got an admiring letter from her asking for his
photograph, and signed, after her name, (Horseface).

Dickens was touched by her humorous modesty and sent off a picture
autographed, To Horseface, with best wishes, Geoffrey Dickens.

Some time later his secretary asked him, Did you get that letter from the
woman at the fair? I wrote Horseface after her name so youd know which
one she was.

Four words guaranted to destroy a mans ego:

Is it in yet?

For women – Helpful info.

For men – For the woman in your life.

PREPARING FOR YOUR MAMMOGRAM:

Many woman are afraid of their mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared. And best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in the privacy of your own home.

Exercise No. 1:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Place one bookend on each side of your breast. Press the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet again next year and do it again. Repeat all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 2:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends (or a stranger) slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Dont breathe. REPEAT again in case the first time wasnt effective enough. REPEAT all steps on the other breast.

Exercise No. 3:

Visit your garage at 3:00 a.m. when the temperature of the concrete floor is just perfect (anywhere below 32 degrees). Take off all your warm clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged tightly under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until the breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

CONGRATULATIONS! Now you are properly prepared for your mammogram.

To: All Male U.S. Citizens From: I.R.S. Service Center Re: Notice of increase in tax payments The only thing that the I.R.S. has not taxed yet is your penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 20% of the time it is pissed off, 30% of the time it is hard up and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependants and they are both nuts.

Effective January 1, 1998 your penis will be taxed according to size.

——- The categories are as follows: ——- 10 – 12 inches…….Luxury Tax $

30.00 8 –

10……………Pole Tax $

25.00 5 –

8…………….Privilege Tax $

15.00 4 –

5…………….Nuisance Tax $

3.00

Males exceeding 12 must file a capital gains return. NOTE: Anyone under 4 is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!                                                                  Sincerely, Pecker Checker I.R.S

Quoted from Sacramento Bee:

Yakov Smirnoff on his communication with friends who came to America before him:

Before they left, we worked out a code that they would say the opposite of
what they meant in their letters, Smirnoff recalled. When they wrote that
the streets are filthy and the people are rude, we thought that they meant
the people were friendly and the streets were clean. Since they live in
Cleveland, we later learned they had forgotten the code.

Una mujer le dice a su jefe:

Me temo que tengo malas noticias.

¿Por qué siempre tienes malas noticias? Por una vez en tu vida, dime que tienes buenas noticias.

Está bien. Te tengo una buena noticia: ¡No eres estéril!

Guy walks into movie studio asking for a movie career.

director says well u have everything we are looking for, u have had experience u have the look so wats ur name?



man answers penis van lesbian



sorry we cannot empoy u , u r gonna have to change ur name,



no van lesbian has been in my family for generations,no way.



so guy walks out



3 YEARS LATER.



director recieves a cheque for 50 grand with a note saying i thought about what u said about changing my name so i changed it to the following.





dick van dike



i am thinking of u