Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there.

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest…Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new…under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with…a private jet.

A committee of three…gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you cant stand the heat…try Antarctica.

Better late than…absent.

A rolling stone…may dent the floor.

If at first you dont succeed…live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry…and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is….better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise…and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads…are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than…to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as…a mister.

A penny saved…is not a lot.

Dont burn your bridges…or youll fall in the lake.

Haste makes…sweat

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. You dont want to try these techniques at home.Why not? asked someone from the back of the audience. I watched my wifes routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. Hon, I suggested, Why dont you try carrying several things at once? The voice from the back asked, Did it save time? The expert replied, Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk
and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and
stored in pencil holders.

Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal
particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the
disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and
soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow
the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.

Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. Big diskettes
may be folded and used in little disk drives.

Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off
the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.

Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If
your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the
drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both
diskettes.

Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red
light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text.
Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a hung or
hooked state. If your system is hooking you will probably need to insert a
few coins before being allowed access to the slot.

If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk
from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data
enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the
openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Data access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the
diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.

Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they
are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using.
(See item #2 above.)

Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored
much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other
document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may
be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.

Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from
spreading.

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor, he said, Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

Well see, the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

Doctor, what are you doing?!? he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, Oh, its you! Im only taking your wifes temperature!

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. Well, doc, he said, when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she cant sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dogs testicles and he will stop snoring.

A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him!

The woman sleeps very soundly.

The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over.

He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dogs testicles.

He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:

Boy, dont remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place!

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry).

Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin – among many others have sworn to leave the country if George  Bush is elected president.  

And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds.

For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You will know that your efforts are helping when you receive postcards, letters, and pictures from your chosen refugeeas they learn to become useful citizens in the Third World country of their choosing.

You will help, wont you? It costs so little but it means so much.

Call 1-800-deport a lib. Operators are standing by. Major credit cards are accepted.

Do you believe in life after death?, the boss asked one of his employees.

Yes, Sir, the employee replied.
Well, then, that makes everything just fine.

The boss went on,
After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,
she stopped in to see you.

What do you want to be when you grow up little Johnny?

A doctor?

And why is that?

Because its the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill.

Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring thats the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?

Joe says, Yes I did.



Well, says the police officer, it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending 3 people to hospital. And its all because you sliced the ball.



Oh my goodness, says Joe, is there anything I can do?



Yes there is, the cop says… Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit.