Old and New Jokes

…about the doctor, engineer, and programmer who were debating what the
worlds oldest profession was (other than the obvious one)? The doctor
said that medicine was the oldest because the Lord performed surgery in
the removal of Adams rib. The engineer countered that before that act,
the Lord had performed feats of engineering by creating the earth and
heavens from nothing.

The doctor conceded that the engineer was right and that engineering was
indeed the oldest profession. But then the programmer interjected that
programming was even older. He was chided by both the doctor and the
engineer saying that engineering had to be the oldest, because before the
Lord engineered the earth and heavens, there was nothing, only the Great
Void, only Chaos!

The programmer simply smiled and said:

Where do you think the Chaos came from?

A man who had been prescribed Viagra dies in the act and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director cant get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the mans beautiful young widow. Im afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member.

Well I have no more money, states the widow, and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece.

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: Hell amputate the member and then stick it up the deceaseds backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceaseds face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the teardrop and says to him quietly, See, I told you it hurts!

When a guys says he slept with a woman and she gave him the clap, it doesnt mean she applauded him for his effort.

Yo mama so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.

Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again and continue riding?
A: Bach in the saddle again.

Yango, el pistolero más temido del Oeste, entra a una cantina y le ordena al cantinero:

Deme una botella de güisqui, y tráigame a la puta más puta que haya en este sucio bar.

El cantinero acata la orden. Yango se toma de un porrazo la botella y sube a una habitación con la prostituta. Entonces, comienza a fornicar tan duro que casi mata a la chica. Al terminar se levanta, se acerca al oído de la mujer y le susurra:

Si de aquí a nueve meses pasa algo, llámalo Yango.

Y sale cabalgando con su caballo hacia Sudamérica. Llega a México y sucede lo mismo: ordena una botella de tequila y la puta más puta del lugar. Después de dejarla tirada en el piso le murmura:

Si de aquí a nueve meses pasa algo llámalo Yango.

Y sigue su rumbo por Venezuela, Colombia, Ecuador, haciendo lo mismo hasta llegar a Perú. Ahí entra en una cantina y le ordena al cantinero una botella de pisco y la puta más puta; sube y comienza a practicar el coito una y otra vez hasta quedar exhausto. Toma fuerzas para vestirse y le cuchichea a la joven en la oreja:

Si de aquí a nueve meses pasa algo, llámalo Yango.

La puta se levanta y comienza a vestirse con calma, al tiempo que le informa a Yango en la oreja:

Si de aquí a nueve minutos se te caen los huevos y el pene, llámalo chancro.

Un médico veterinario había tenido un día muy difícil en su clínica, donde atendió a muchos animales enfermos. Para su fortuna, al llegar a casa por la noche, su esposa lo estaba esperando con una bebida fría y una cena romántica a la luz de las velas. Después de cenar tomaron algunas bebidas más y luego se fueron a la cama muy emocionados.

Cerca de las 2 de la mañana el teléfono sonó:

¿Es el veterinario?, preguntó la voz de una anciana.

Si, soy yo. ¿Es una emergencia?

Se puede decir que sí… Hay un montón de gatos en celo en mi techo haciendo un ruido terrible y no puedo dormir. ¿Qué puedo hacer?

El veterinario respiró profundamente y respondió pacientemente:

Abra la ventana y dígales que tienen una llamada telefónica.

¿De veras? ¿Usted cree que eso los detendrá?

Seguro que sí… ¡ESO ME DETUVO A MÍ!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hans!
Hans who?
Hans off the table!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

67. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a
bank robbery has just taken place.