Old and New Jokes

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He leadeth me beside the still factories, He maketh me to lie down on park benches, He restoreth my doubts about the Republican party, He guideth me onto the paths of unemployment for the partys sake. I do fear the evildoers, for thou talkst about them constantly. Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy deficit spending They do discomfort me. Thou anointeth me with never-ending debt, And my savings and assets shall soon be gone. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me, And my jobless children shall dwell in my basement forever.

Knock knock Whos there? KatmanduKatmandu who? Katmandu what Catwoman wants!

If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair.

If this doesnt work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.

WINDOWS PROBLEM

Im wondering if anybody can help me with a problem Im having on my computer at work.

I recently upgraded to Windows 95 from Windows 3.14159, and Ive noticed that whenever Im running WordWanker Version 2.0.9.4 (which I upgraded from 1.8.4.7) in conjunction with FaxBuddy! Version 4.2.4.3.7857, everything works fine for about the first 25 minutes, but then if I try to type the passive plupefect subjunctive form of the verb procreate (or any of its slang equivalents) the keyboard locks up permanently and the hard drive makes a whimpering sound and all current data is erased, including data in computers several cubicles away. I have tried everything, including reformatting my hard drive and exorcism.

Please help!!!

REPLY TO: WINDOWS PROBLEM

I had exactly the same problem, and after a lot of trial and error I found out that if you click on the Windows Control Panel, then on Command Center, then on Reset Variables, then on Establish New Parameters, then on Define Standards, then on Modify Criteria, then on Effectuate Paradigms, then on the little icon labeled Do Not Ever Click On This Little Icon then go down to the box that says Enter New Value, and type in 2038, you will still have the same problem.

This is why my doctor tripled my Prozac dosage.

Its so nice to have a president who can play Santa without padding
Im sorry, Miss. Theres no Paula Jones on the guest list
You make an adorable elf, Mr. Stephanopolous
Hey, who invited Nipsey Russell?
So what are you doing to pass the time these days, Ms. Elders?
Stand back – Gores gonna do a cannonball into the eggnog
Ive never seen a wreath made of French fries before
Check it out! A bullet just shattered my punch glass!
See if Jimmy Carter can go negotiate us another keg of brew!
This party sucks – lets go to Newts

Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.
Vampire A said, Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!
And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.
Vampire B then said, Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!
He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.
Vampire C then yelled, Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!
He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.
Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, How come you have such speed, friend?
Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, Do you see a building over there?
Yes! answered A and B.
Well I DONT!!!

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
anti-wrinkle cream on her face.Why do you do that Mummy? he asked.To make myself beautiful replied his mother, who then
began removing the cream with a tissue.Whats the matter? asked Little Johnny. Giving up?

Manolo y Paco se hacen narcotraficantes. En el primer intento de pasar mercadería al país vecino, son descubiertos por la guardia fronteriza. A Manolo lo hieren de un balazo en una pierna y lo detienen. Paco, con mejor suerte, logra huir. Un mes después Paco va a visitar a Manolo, quien le dice:

Paco, hazme un favor. La herida en la pierna se me ha infectado y aquí en la cárcel me la van a cortar. Quiero que recojas esa pierna y la lleves a enterrar a nuestro pueblo.

Por supuesto.

A la semana siguiente, Paco retira la pierna extirpada, la lleva a su terruño y procede muy compungido a su entierro. Vuelve al país vecino a visitar a Manolo y éste le dice:

Paco, el maldito virus de la herida se ha extendido. Es menester que me corten la otra pierna. ¿No harías lo mismo que hiciste con la anterior?

Casi llorando, Paco acepta. A los pocos idas va a la enfermería, le entregan la pierna de Manolo y cumple la misma ceremonia de enterrarla en su terruño. Un mes después va a visitar a Manolo a la cárcel y escucha esto:

Mira Paco, esta endemoniada infección no quiere detenerse. Se me ha extendido al brazo derecho y me lo van a cortar; yo te pido que…

Paco lo interrumpe muy sonriente y acercándosele para hablarle en secreto le dice: ¡Qué hábil que eres Manolo… ¡Ya me he dado cuenta, ¡¿te estás fugando de a poco, eh?!

En la frontera de México y Estados Unidos se encuentran un ecuatoriano, un boliviano y un mexicano; están a punto de cruzar el Río Grande, cuando se percatan de que la Migra ha puesto caníbales en balsas para patrullar la frontera. Desde lejos, el jefe de la Border Patrol lo observaba todo, mientras que del lado mexicano, el ecuatoriano decide:

La necesidad es mucha y ahí voy.

Entra al río, pero antes de llegar a la mitad, los caníbales lo agarran y se lo devoran. En eso, el boliviano dice:

Espero cruzar antes de que se lo terminen.

Se avienta al río y llega a la otra orilla; pero al poner el primer pie en suelo estadounidense, los antropófagos lo regresan y también se lo comen. El mexicano se espera para ver qué pasa, si los salvajes se llenaron o qué. Pero al ver que no se van, no lo piensa dos veces y se arroja al río; comienza a nadar lo más rápido que puede; pasa la mitad del río y los carniceros ni en cuenta. Llega a la otra orilla y pone el primer pie en tierra seca; observa para todos lados y no ve a nadie, así que se echa a correr perdiéndose entre los arbustos y se les escapa.

Entonces, llega el jefe de la patrulla fronteriza y le reclama al jefe de los antropófagos:

What happened? Al ecuatoriano no lo dejaste pasar; al boliviano tampoco, pero al mexicano ni siquiera lo miraste, ¿por qué?

Mira, mi blanquito, si supieras que el último mexicanito que nos echamos, nos dejó ardiendo el culo por una semana…

Give an example of tragedy



Winston Peters is visiting a school.



In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offersthat, if my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.



No, Winston says, That would be an ACCIDENT.



A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy. Im afraid not, explains Winston, that is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.



The room is silent, none of the other children volunteer. What? asks Winston, isnt there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?



Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Winston Peters was blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.



Wonderful! Winston beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy? Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly wouldnt be a great loss!