Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.
But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.
True enough, said Mrs. Whembleton. If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!
YO mamma is so fat…she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!
A married couple are very deeply in love with each other. The wife is very fond of watching hindi movies.
After a few months she becomes pregnant and everyday during her pregnancy she watches hindi movie SHOLAY.
During the time fo delivery the husband is waitng outside the maternity ward and the nurse comes running outside and breaks the good news Mubarak ho aap ko beta hua hai.
The husband runs with joy towards the ward, he opens tthe door and to his surprise finds his baby sitting on his mothers chest holding her collar and asking her Kyu kitne Aadmi they
Roosevelt and Deelya were astonished when Noah selected them to be the ants to represent their species in the ark. After all, they were considered inferior by the other ants in the anthill because of their large odor sensors. In humility they bowed before Noah and said We is honored to join you in this here boat although they werent really sure what a boat was. In fact, just that same day they had heard a couple of termites joking about Noahs Folly, saying the wood wasnt any good for chewing.
Roosevelt and Deelya were glad they were small, because Noah was really packing the animals in, and things were getting crowded. Just when it seemed there was absolutely no room for anything else, water began to fall from the sky and Noah shut the doors. Soon the ark began to rock, and it floated off into the growing storm, with all hands (several thousand, including itty-bitty flea feet) accounted for.
It was the middle of the night when the ark struck the side of Mt. Ararat (originally called Mt. Watchoutforthat). The sudden jolt and list to starboard woke the animals abruptly from their slumber. In the ensuing melee, Padre Porcupine accidently stuck Signor Skunk in the buttocks, causing the poor skunk to emit a full charge of eau de pew into the chaos.
Noah had his hands full trying to secure the ark and get everybody quieted down. Some accounts, particularly from the giraffes, had God appearing with a clothespin on his nose, which uniquely altered his stentorian voice. But most likely God answered Noahs frantic prayer by giving him a spontaneous clear insight.
In any event, Noah located Roosevelt and Deelya hiding in a coil of rope and said, Friends, I need your help. I have all I can handle securing this arc and calming the bigger animals. God has told me that you have a special gift for getting rid of this skunk stink. Will you help me?
Deelya looked at Roosevelt. What gift be dat? she asked. Only things different bout us be dese puffy noses, and child, they is getting a workout right about now.
But Roosevelt, although unaccustomed to considering a higher calling, decided If the Good Lord says it, it must be true. So he and Deelya went all around the ark, sniffing up the skunk stink with all the gusto they and their large odor sensors could manage. Before too long came the golden dawn of a new world.
Noah had lifes major constraints in place, and had called all the animals to a meeting outside the ark. The agenda centered mainly on Gods providence and the necessity to begin re-populating the earth.
Roosevelt and Deelya had sucked up all the stink and were a little bloated, but they responded to the call for them to come forward. Noah honored them in front of the assembly for their free use of their special gifts and the likelihood of a future anthill full of special noses.
As they returned to their place, Roosevelt realized out loud Yknow, we be de de-scent ants of Noah!
Sam, a business man was driving home after long sales trip and saw a hitchhiker with a cow. Sam finally stopped and the hitchhiker approached the window and said, Will you give me a ride to Denver Sir?
Sam was amazed and said, I do not mind, but you will have to leave your cow here.
No Sir, the hitchhiker said. I will just tie her to the back of the car, and I promise you sir, she will not slow you down. I Promise.
The business man was reluctant, but he was dying for company, so he agreed. The hitchhiker was elated and tied the cow to the back bumper.
They started out and Sam took the car up to 10 miles per hour, he looked in the mirror and the cow seemed to be trotting along. 20 mph, 30 mph, 40 mph, did not phase the cow. The hitchhiker looked over to Sam and assured him that the cow would be fine, not to worry.
Sam took the car up to 55 mph and still the cow was looking very comfortable. Now Sam was getting a little frustrated by this cow who could keep up with his car. Sam watched the speedometer go to 65, 75 and finally 90 mph.
Sam looked back and FINALLY the cow seemed tired, I got you, you son of ……..
What is the matter? the hitchhiker asked.
Your cow seems tired, her tongue is sticking out, the business man said.
Is it sticking out on the left, or the right? the hitchhiker asked.
The left side, Sam said with a smile.
Well, the hitchhiker said, You better pull over, she is trying to pass you.
A teacher, wanting to do something special for her class, brought in a bag of mixed chocolates. The next day, she called up a boy, blindfolded him, gave him a Herheys Kiss and asked him if he knew what it was.Im not sure. Said the boy.Well, its what your dad wants from your mom in the morning before he leaves for work. Replied the teacher.No! dont eat it! cried a girl in the back, Its a piece of ass!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Olga!
Olga who?
Olga way when Im good and ready!
Main Frame: Hold up the barn roof.
Port: Fancy wine.
Enter: Cmon in.
Random Access Memory: You cant remember whatcha paid for that new rifle when your wife asks.
Megahertz – When a big log drops on your bare foot in the morning
There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him. Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you? Well, the nurses around here wont let me fart!