A blonde goes into a room full of vending machines and she has lots of loose change so she decides to geta can of juice so she puts the money in and gets a can….she then puts more money in and gets another can then more money and gets another can….a small queue has formed behind her by now and the man behind her asks her to hurry up so he can geta can of juice and the blonde turns around to the man and says will you fuck off im winning
09
May
09
May
Dont let your mind wander too far.
It is too little to go out alone!
09
May
Q – Why do elephants travel in herds?
A – Because is they traveled in flocks they might be mistaken for sheep.
Q – What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill?
A – Look, here comes the elephants!
Q – What did Jane say when she saw the elephants come over the hill wearing sun glasses?
A – Nothing – she didnt recognize them.
Q – How can you tell if there is an elephant in bed with you?
A – By the giant E on its pyjamas.
Q – How can you tell if an elephant has crawled under the bed during the night?
A – You are currently having an intimate relationship with the ceiling.
Q – How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?
A – If all your trashcan liners are missing.
Q – Why does an elephant have four feet?
A – Because 8 inches isnt enough!
Q – Where do elephants have their sex organs?
A – In their feet – If an elephant steps on you, youre fucked!
Q – Why did the Elephant cross the road?
A – Because it was handcuffed to the chicken.
09
May
Chet Wolford tells this one:
An Erie, Pennsylvania executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf
decided about December one year that he couldnt take it any longer. So he
said to his wife one evening, Honey, next Friday were going to Hilton Head
for the weekend. Well get a condo on the golf course and Im going to play
golf all weekend.
That sounds fine, she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6
a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone. After playing two holes, he
noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway. The
exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, Mind if I play along?
The exec. said, Fine. Glad to have the company.
All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green.
When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club. The
exec. noticed, however, that it wasnt a club at all. It was a high powered
rifle.
Whoa, he said. Thats a high powered rifle!
Look, said the other man. Im not out to cause any trouble. If you want me
to leave, I will. No hard feelings.
No. No, said the exec. Im just curious as to why you have a high-powered
rifle in your bag.
The other man pondered for a moment and then said, Well, Ill tell you. Its
my business. Its what I do for a living.
Wow, said the other. Ive heard about guys like you, but Ive never met one
before.
Still want me to play? said the other.
Sure, said the Erie exec. As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little
hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?
The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful–an inlaid Weatherby with
a huge powerful scope mounted on it.
The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, Gee, I can see the
window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, theres my wife. He
lowered the gun for a moment and said, she doesnt have any clothes on. He
looked through the scope again. Damn, theres a guy with her.
The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. How much do you
charge?
$10,000 a bullet, said the man.
The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, Do it.
Which one? said the hit man.
Both, said the exec.
Thats $20,000, you know.
I dont care. hit em both.
The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. Where do
you want me to get the man? he asked.
You know where to hit him, said the exec.
How about the woman?
In the mouth. Shes always flapping her gums anyway.
Ok, said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked
off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. Mister, he said, I think
Im going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars.
09
May
Once Santa Singh called Banta Singh for a hearty lunch. Banta Singh arrived promptly on time and was surprised to see the door locked. Then he saw a note which said, Kaise ullu banaya!
Banta Singh was terribly furious, therefore thinking himself to be smart stuck a note saying, Main to aya hi nahein
08
May
The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful.
Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?
Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.
Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.
Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen.
Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.
Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said, Beautiful, just fucking beautiful.
08
May
Whats the best way to get a guy to stop smoking after sex?
Fill his water bed with gasoline.
08
May
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and hes stopped in Connecticut for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, Sir, have you been drinking?
The minister says, Just water.
The sheriff says, Then why do I smell wine?
And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, Good Lord, Hes done it again!
08
May
Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would get their brains thinking.
In my own apartment, I had been pacing, Dreading all those exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his books, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, And brewed a new pot, No longer caring That my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, But my thoughts were all muddy, My eyes went ablur, I just couldnt study. Some pizza might help, I said with a shiver, But each place I called Refused to deliver. Id pretty much concluded Life is unfair and cruel, Since our futures all depend On grades made in school. When all of a sudden, Our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off Ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, Her manner was mellow, She looked at the mess And started to bellow: Why should us students Make such a fuss, About what those teachers Toss out to us? On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On Last Years Exams! On Wingit and Slingit, And Last Minute Crams! Her message delivered, She vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing Outside in the night. Your teachers wont flunk you, So just do your best. Happy Finals to All, And to All, a good test.
08
May
It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided
to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly
cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife
ended up on a flight the day after her husband.
The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting
to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in
Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didnt notice he had misspelled
his wifes email address
In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her
husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory
just a few days earlier.
She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from
relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud
scream, fainted and fell to the floor.
The womans son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He
glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife: Ive just been checked in. Everything has been prepared
for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.