Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if you have to go outside to get something from your fridge!

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as mother, although she didnt mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.

Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmothers house.

But mother, wont this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?

Red Riding Hoods mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

But mother, arent you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?

Red Riding Hoods mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

But mother, then shouldnt you have my brother carry the basket, since hes an oppressor, and should learn what its like to be oppressed?

And Red Riding Hoods mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights of community.

But wont I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that shes sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?

But Red Riding Hoods mother explained that her grandmother wasnt actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called health.

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to come out of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandmas house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hoods teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity.

The Wolf said, You know, my dear, it isnt safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone.

Red Riding Hood said, I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if youll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way.

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmothers house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandmas house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandmas nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch.

The Wolf said softly Come closer, child, so that I might see you.

Red Riding Hood said, Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!

You forget that I am optically challenged.

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

Arent you forgetting something? Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

Hands off! cried the woodchopper.

And what do you think youre doing? cried Little Red Riding Hood. If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams.

Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting! screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

Thank goodness you got here in time, said the Wolf. The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.

No, I think Im the real victim, here, said the woodchopper. Ive been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now Im going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?

Sure, said the Wolf.

Thanks.

I feel your pain, said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said Do you have any Maalox?

He can remember which of 2.4 billion kids have been naughty or nice … but does he remember to replace the roll of toilet paper when it runs out? NooOOooo.
That whole knows if youve been bad or good thing makes it mighty hard for kids to cheat at Old Maid.
One night a year for me to sneak out with the girlfriends, and all the bars are closed.
Managing toy production, keeping elves in line, cleaning up after reindeer … meanwhile, fatboy sits around 364 days out of the year and gets all the glory!

/* Because we care about the health of your computer… */

****VIRUS WARNING****
If you received an e-mail with a subject line of Badtimes, delete it immediately without reading it! It is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet. It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer.
It will recalibrate your refrigerators settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will demagnitize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access codes, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number.
It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will drink all your beer and leave your dirty socks on the coffee table when theres company coming over.
It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile.
It will give you nightmares about circus midgets.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease.
It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattress and pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole.
It is insidious and subtle.
It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve. These are just a few of the signs.
BE AFRAID! BE VERY AFRAID!

Thanx to Pete Galt.

Hacker – Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking.

Un matrimonio inglés. La mujer le pide al marido:

James, nuestro hijo ha cumplido 16 años y creo que deberías hablarle de hombre a hombre y contarle lo que hacen la vaquita y el toro, la abejita y el abejorro, el perrito y la perrita, etc.

De acuerdo, querida.

A continuación va a buscar a su hijo y le dice:

John, siéntate y sírvete un whisky. Tú y yo vamos a tener una conversación de hombre a hombre. ¿Tú te acuerdas, John, cómo el año pasado, cuando estabamos cabalgando cerca del río, nos encontramos a dos chicas desnudas bañándose y acabamos tirándonoslas? Pues bien, tu madre quiere que sepas que eso también lo hacen las vaquitas, los perritos, las ovejitas…

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as Millennia Year Application Software System (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.



We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.



Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinates office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.



Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, Im a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before. I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.



There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.



This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.



As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, here, stick this in MYASS.



It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.

Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.

We all want progress, but if youre on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive. – C.S. Lewis

The things that come to those that wait may be the things
left by those who got there first.