A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored.
Hey, lets play a game she said.What game? was his bored reply.
Lets play hidenseek. Ill give you a blow-job if you can find me.
What if I cant find you?
Ill be behind the piano.
Un niño le dice a su padre:
Papi, dijo el vecino que le prestes tu carro.
El padre, furioso, responde:
Dile al cabrón del vecino que mi carro no es relajo de nadie y que mi culo no es garaje.
El niño, extrañado, le pregunta:
¿Por qué dices que tu culo no es garaje?
Porque cuando le digas lo que yo te mande a decirle, lo primero que te dirá es que me meta mi carro por el culo.
What do Michael Jackson and cavier have in common?
They both come on little white crackers.
A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he cant hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, I, then at his knee, meaning, need, then he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, handsaw. The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate.
The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, What the hell is wrong with you!?! Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!
The laborer looks at the carpenter and says, I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.
Better latent than never.
In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemens helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!
I assured her that I did, but simply couldnt recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said See, it says right here, The three wise man came from afar.
Several first grade boys overheard some junior high boys talking about a penis.
The first graders asked each other, Whats a penis? None of them knew.
Finally one boy said, Ill ask my Dad, he knows everything.
That evening the boy asked his Dad, Whats a penis?
The father replied, Well, if youre old enough to ask I guess youre old enough
to know. Dad dropped his pants and said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact,
thats a perfect penis!
The next day the boy told his friends, I found out what a penis is, come on,
Ill show you.
The others followed him to the bathroom and watched him drop his pants. The boy,
exposing himself to his friends, said, Thats a penis! As a matter of fact, if
it was two inches shorter, itd be a perfect penis!
The visiting church school supervisor asks Little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him. The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies that he knows Little Johnny, as well as his whole family, very well and can vouch for him. If Little Johnny said that he did not do it, he as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story. After listening he replies: I cannot see why you are making such a big issue out of this; we will get three quotations and fix the damned wall.
A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. What can I get you? asked the bartender.
Anything but a Canadian Club replied the seal.
A big-city lawyer, from Washington, D.C., went duck hunting in the South Carolina Low country. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell in to a farmers field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now Im going in to retrieve it. The old farmer replied. This is my property, and you are not coming over here. The indignant lawyer said, I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you dont let me get that duck, Ill sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, Apparently, you dont know how we do things in South Carolina. Down here we settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule. The lawyer asked, A Three Kick Rule. What is the Three-Kick Rule? The Farmer replied, Well, first I kick you three times, and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyers groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the mans nose off his face. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmers third kick to the kidney area nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will, managed to get to his feet, and said, Okay, you old coot, now its my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.