Old and New Jokes

Did you hear about the [ethnic] who was asked to be a Jehovahs witness?

– He refused becuase he hadnt seen the accident.

Support the right to arm bears.

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought – I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and make fun of me.

He went into isolation for three months and after a lot of practice, he walked confidently into a shop and said, I am a very hungry. Give me some pepperoni and zucchini.

Immediately, the man behind the counter said Are you a hillbilly? This guy was taken aback and he repeated his request. The man behind the counter said, Are you a hillbilly or not?

This man was finally very ashamed and amazed at the shop owners discerning ability and so he admitted to the fact after which he asked, But how did you know?

The shopkeeper replied, This is a hardware store!

Two mothers were talking about their sons. The first said, My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesnt smoke, and he hasnt so much as looked at a woman in over two years. The other woman said, Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasnt he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasnt touched a drop of liquor in all that time. My word, the first mother said. You must be so proud.I am, the second mother replied. And when hes paroled next month, Im going to throw him a big party.

A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking.

So he speaks with the manager and the manager says, Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.

The man smiles and says,Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away. So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away.

The manager frowns, Sir, Im sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I dont like the look of all those condoms.

The man chuckles, Oh, Im no womanizer… but do you know how hard it is to buy Tylenol at a drug store with your eye contantly winking?

Two older ladies were swimming in the pool at a Miami hotel. One of
the ladies was about to get out of the pool and the first lady asked if
she would bring her a cigarette when she came back.

Thats no problem, dear. And pulling a condom from her halter,
untied the knot and revealed several cigarettes and some matches.

Thats clever. What do you call it?

Why, its a condom, dear. You can get them at the drug store.

Later that day, the lady went into the drug store and asked the
druggist for some condoms. The druggist looked at the packages of various
quantities and asked the lady what size she wanted.

Oh, big enough for a king sized Camel!

Wilie was a chemist

but willie is no more

for what he thought was H20

was H2SO4

If youre not part of the solution, youre part of the precipitate.

One day Bill Clinton was walking down the beach when he found a genie lamp. He rubbed it and a genie came out. He said to Bill You have one wish.

Bill Clinton cried But I thought you were supposed to have three wishes! Well you are the most powerful man in the world so I only allow one for you, replied the Genie.

Bill Clinton thought hard and said Bring peace to the middle east. He took out a map to show the Genie.

The genie said Nope. Cant do that choose another wish. This next wish came up right away.

I want the WHOLE world to love Monica Lewinsky as much as I do The Genie stared at him with a raised an eyebrow. The Genie replied quickly Um…can I take a look at that map again?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

None, replied Johnny, cause the rest would fly away.

Well, the answer is four, said the teacher, but I like the way youre thinking.

Little Johnny says, I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

Well, said the teacher nervously, I guess the one sucking the cone.

No, said Little Johnny, the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way youre thinking.